Well, it's Christmas Mom. One of the biggest days in the Hurlburt household, and we didn't have you there. And you were greatly missed. This is one of your most favorite days in the world. A day that you always looked forward to because you were spending it with your family.
I started the day going over to your house to cook one of your turkeys that you had in the freezer. Now, as a vegetarian I have to say, that is a pretty gross job. Sticking my hand in its ass and neck to pull out the innards and all that yucky stuff...but I digress. I was over to the house about 6:45 to make sure that I got the bird in the oven in time so we could eat at 1:00.
Dad did his usual, "hello", from the bedroom when I walked in, and I had to chuckle, cause I remember when he would do that when I was visiting you sometimes and you would roll your eyes. I feed the cat cause she was yawling her head off as she always does at morning and evening feed times. And Keira was let out, but had to bite the door on her way out; like she always did with you too. And I yelled "Keira" to make her stop just like you always used to. Keira came right back after she went to the bathroom cause she knows that she gets a "cookie" for coming back without being called. She misses you Mom. I can tell. Dogs have that deep bond like humans do. I do my best to give her enough love, I believe we all do but I think it pales in what you would do for her. You were so good to her. The cat is the same pain in the ass as you well know. All she cares about is eating and sleeping in either Dad's recliner or his kitchen table chair.
But we are giving her all the spoiling just like you used to too.
Susie came over today to help out cause it was Christmas morning and us kids were with our kids or spouses for the morning. She has been God-sent Mom, she is helping so much with taking care of Dad. She makes him laugh and she feeds him well. He enjoys her company. But he misses you terribly too. He asks about you often and it is painful to watch him go through this. I think that we kids appreciate so much more than we did before what it took for you to take care of Dad with all of his health needs. I wish I had known the work that it took to take care of him because I would have tried to pick up some of the slack for you. I know that we all would have helped pick up the slack. But it wasn't in your nature to "burden" your children or anyone, for that matter, with something that you thought was your responsibility.
I left your house for a few hours and had the tree at my house but you weren't far from my thoughts all morning. I miss hearing your voice on Christmas morning; I remember when I'd call, I'd hear on the other end "Merry Christmas". So cheerful and happy cause we were all going to be getting together soon.
We went back to your house about noonish; of course I was running late as usual. And Laura , Larry and Kailey were there, and Amanda and Nick had just pulled in before me. Jr and Marlaina and the rest of their kids weren't there because they were a little sick and we didn't think that Dad should be around anyone that is sick cause it takes him so long to recover from a cold. Earl, III came next, followed by Russ, Patience and Chris. And then Norma. It was pretty funny watching Dad sit in his chair at the kitchen table and watch all the activity. He was watching Norma, Laura, Me and the others trying to get the meal to the table. It took all of us to do what you used to do pretty much by yourself. I said to Dad, "look at all the people that it takes to do the work of what Mom used to do by herself." And he just nodded. Well, we finally got everything on the table by 1:30ish.
After lunch, Dad asked about you a couple of times and when he does so, it is with sadness. It is painful to look in his eyes and see the emptiness that he feels without you. I can feel it when I look in his eyes. Sometimes when I respond, I can't look at him. It hurts too much.
We then had Dad open his presents. He is comical when he does stuff like that, you know how he does it. He makes some kind of joke about it. And he makes people laugh when he does that. I got him the game Uno. Remember when we used to play that all the time. That and Yahtzee. We had such fun playing games. I found a picture not too long ago. It is of you, Laura and me and we are playing a card game. And in it we were laughing our asses off. You could just feel the laughter in that picture. I remember it so well. I asked Dad today when we were playing Uno, if he remembered playing Kings Four Corners. He said no but I am sure you would remember it. We had fun, and in Dad's usual way, he beat us most of the time.
We missed your wonderful holiday treats that you made each year too. It is so sad to see all those empty tins where you would put those treats.
This year, I tried to give something special to all of your kids and grandkids for Christmas. Just a small piece of you for them to keep. I took your special recipe book and photocopied all of your recipes and made a booklet for them. It had 30 pages of your best recipes ever; and all of your favorite holiday treats that you used to make. I laminated them or put them in a plastic sleeve and then bound them in some twine. The cover sheet was entitled "Gram's [or Mom's] Holiday Treats (and other recipes from her coveted recipe book)." It had several pictures of you on it; All of them are of you smiling cause that is how I remember you most. There is also one that I put in that is of all of your children and grandchildren; you would remember that one, you used it one year for your Christmas card. I then made three of your favorite holiday treats; Rice Crispy Treats, Coconut balls, and Fudge WITH nuts. I typed a note to the grandkids and reminded them of how special you were (although, I did not have to remind them, they know so well) and how much you love them (again, I did not have to remind them). I boxed it all up and gave it to them. I also made one for Caleb cause I know that you loved him as your own grandchild, and I know that he loved your holiday treats too. I made 13 copies for grandkids and 6 for kids (Bonnie is included, of course).
I also gave to your daughters, a bottle of your favorite perfume that you used to wear. I had my own already that I had of yours. I remember right after you passed finding that perfume bottle. I picked it up and sprayed a little and closed my eyes. It was like you were right beside me or had just walked by. It brought you back to me for that moment; a wonderful moment.
Well after all the presents were opened and the card game was over, Dad took his nap and people left. Norma called me to say that she went down to visit you and sprayed a little of your perfume on a tiny stocking that she placed on the wreath that is on your grave. That was a beautiful gesture.
I left Dad at around 5 on Christmas night as Laura was making dinner for him. He is doing ok with all of us. I did want to tell you that I appreciate so much what you did for Dad all of these years; the good care that you took of him, and the love that you gave him. One of the Christmas gifts that I gave Dad, was a picture of you and him together in the mid-70s. You both looked great. I wanted him to have the ability to have a picture of you and him at the table so that he can look at it often and I hope that it gives him good memories of you.
These past several months have allowed me to feel closer to Dad. I am able to be one on one with him, unlike before when I used to ask you to ask Dad if he wanted to go see Uncle Bernard, or go to the dump with me, or if I could borrow his truck, or whatever it was. I would go through you to get to Dad. Or I would just say a couple of things to Dad and then talk with you. I see a side of Dad that I didn't appreciate enough before. I see him as a funny, gentle man. Sometimes very vulnerable and that makes me sad and scared. But I also see the man that was my Dad that was strong with a firm hand in his younger days, a man that could scare the shit out of me just by you saying "wait til your father comes home". I can laugh at that NOW Mom, it was not funny then!!!
It has been a tough day Mom, I won't lie. We miss you terribly. All of us do. I only hope that you can see me, us. I hope that you can see what an impact you have made in our lives, an impact you still are having on our lives. You were the thread that held us all together. We are all struggling without you; feeling the terrible loss of you from our lives. But the lessons you had given us when you were here, and with you gone, have been priceless and a blessing. You gave so much then and still are giving with you gone. That is a very special ability and says alot about who you are and your character. I love you more than you will ever know. I can only strive to live up to who you are and leave such an impact as you did.
Merry Christmas Mom. I hope that you have a peaceful day where you are and that you are enjoying seeing old friends and family.
Please visit me in my dreams...
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Happy Anniversary to you.
Well, today is Mom and Dad's 58 wedding anniversary. 58 years. I can't believe it. That is an incredibly long time to be married. I miss seeing her with Dad on their anniversary. I know Dad misses her so much just like we do. And it is so hard to see him without her. It is like he is missing a limb or something. When people say they are missing a part of themselves, it is literally true. A part of your soul is gone when your wife/husband/mother/partner dies.
I remember when Mom and Dad were approaching their 50 wedding anniversary. Mom could not wait to celebrate. She was so excited to reach that milestone. We held a really fun party for her and Dad; complete with live music and food and friends. I know that they had a great time. It was such a great day. We were so happy for them. We laughed so much.
Last time, I wrote about a letter that I had written to Mom and Dad on their anniversary over 20 years ago. I reprinted the section that I wrote to Mom on my last post. This time I am going to reprint the section that I wrote to both of them in honor of a great set of parents who gave so much to their children over all else.
Mom & Dad: What a Team! You two keep each other young and keep each other going. Your a great symbol for all of your children. We have all married wonderful people and have really good relationships. You both have done all this for us. Thanks for all you've shown us. For you two are the core of this whole big beautiful family and we love you and need you still for added guidance. Who is it that we all call for unanswered questions no matter how small the questions; you always have a good answer. What an inspirational duo! We love you always!!!
Here's to you Mom and Dad!
It is especially difficult this year because right on the heels of their anniversary is Christmas. And boy did Mom love Christmas! She would start her shopping soon after Christmas the year before. No kidding. She loved shopping for her family. She also loved putting up her outside lights of Santa and the reindeer. She would put it on a timer so she could enjoy it from dusk til she went to bed. Norma just put up the outside decorations for Dad to look at. That was really great. I don't think I could have done it. It is still difficult for me to do some of the stuff that Mom would do. It is still too close to the bone.
Mom would also start her holiday baking. She made so many good, tasty treats. Mom had such a great time making things that her kids and friends would enjoy. This year, Patience made some great Gram goodies for Thanksgiving in her memory. And she did a great job, everything tasted so good. Gram is very proud of her I'm sure.
It is hard to go to the house and go on the porch where she kept all of the goodies she made and see the empty tins where she kept her treats. The were always full of rice crispie treats, fudge, magic bars, joe froggers, crescent cookies, sand tarts, gingerbread boys and girls, peanut clusters, almond joys candies, peanut butter balls, date balls, no bake cookies, and pies too. She made so much that she would make up plates for people and send them off to her grandkids and kids. She was a great cook.
She loved the holidays. She loved doing for other people. That's really what she was all about. She did all of this for her family cause she knew that we loved eating her delicious treats. She knew that we would all enjoy what she did; cooking for her family.
I would laugh too cause she loved fudge, but she loved rice crispie treats the best; and she would make a big batch and would eat about a quarter of them right off. And she would smile that "you caught me" smile. God I miss that smile. I miss seeing her at the kitchen table with her nightgown on and her leg swinging. She always would swing her right leg when she sat there. I miss seeing her chew her gum and playing her word circle games. I miss her fresh smell that she had right out of the shower every night with her hair slicked back. And the wood stove cranking. The kitchen was so warm and toasty all the time. I miss the simple things that are in no way simple, but comforting.
I remember telling Mom several years ago about this radio station, 92.9, that played all Christmas songs from Thanksgiving on. She immediately turned it there. She loved it and always had that station on for the month. I can still see her now, how she would bop her head side to side to the music when it was on the radio. Some of the Old Gene Audrey songs, Oh, God, how she loved them. I miss that so much. I can't listen to that station this year cause I just will start crying thinking about her and what we are all missing. It is so painful when you know how important something is for someone and they aren't here to enjoy it any more. It is painful!
It is still one day at a time. I still think of her all the time. All the time. I think of what she would be doing getting ready for the holidays. Thinking of how she would be getting everything set to send out or to bring gifts over to her family in the area. I think of how she would exude the energy of the holidays and how it made her so happy that they were here. I think of how she would just make people happy; feeling her energy. I know that we would feel that energy when we were with her. The holidays will not be the same without her; the energy will not be as strong nor the Christmas lights so bright.
Our shining star is not atop our tree this year.
I remember when Mom and Dad were approaching their 50 wedding anniversary. Mom could not wait to celebrate. She was so excited to reach that milestone. We held a really fun party for her and Dad; complete with live music and food and friends. I know that they had a great time. It was such a great day. We were so happy for them. We laughed so much.
Last time, I wrote about a letter that I had written to Mom and Dad on their anniversary over 20 years ago. I reprinted the section that I wrote to Mom on my last post. This time I am going to reprint the section that I wrote to both of them in honor of a great set of parents who gave so much to their children over all else.
Mom & Dad: What a Team! You two keep each other young and keep each other going. Your a great symbol for all of your children. We have all married wonderful people and have really good relationships. You both have done all this for us. Thanks for all you've shown us. For you two are the core of this whole big beautiful family and we love you and need you still for added guidance. Who is it that we all call for unanswered questions no matter how small the questions; you always have a good answer. What an inspirational duo! We love you always!!!
Here's to you Mom and Dad!
It is especially difficult this year because right on the heels of their anniversary is Christmas. And boy did Mom love Christmas! She would start her shopping soon after Christmas the year before. No kidding. She loved shopping for her family. She also loved putting up her outside lights of Santa and the reindeer. She would put it on a timer so she could enjoy it from dusk til she went to bed. Norma just put up the outside decorations for Dad to look at. That was really great. I don't think I could have done it. It is still difficult for me to do some of the stuff that Mom would do. It is still too close to the bone.
Mom would also start her holiday baking. She made so many good, tasty treats. Mom had such a great time making things that her kids and friends would enjoy. This year, Patience made some great Gram goodies for Thanksgiving in her memory. And she did a great job, everything tasted so good. Gram is very proud of her I'm sure.
It is hard to go to the house and go on the porch where she kept all of the goodies she made and see the empty tins where she kept her treats. The were always full of rice crispie treats, fudge, magic bars, joe froggers, crescent cookies, sand tarts, gingerbread boys and girls, peanut clusters, almond joys candies, peanut butter balls, date balls, no bake cookies, and pies too. She made so much that she would make up plates for people and send them off to her grandkids and kids. She was a great cook.
She loved the holidays. She loved doing for other people. That's really what she was all about. She did all of this for her family cause she knew that we loved eating her delicious treats. She knew that we would all enjoy what she did; cooking for her family.
I would laugh too cause she loved fudge, but she loved rice crispie treats the best; and she would make a big batch and would eat about a quarter of them right off. And she would smile that "you caught me" smile. God I miss that smile. I miss seeing her at the kitchen table with her nightgown on and her leg swinging. She always would swing her right leg when she sat there. I miss seeing her chew her gum and playing her word circle games. I miss her fresh smell that she had right out of the shower every night with her hair slicked back. And the wood stove cranking. The kitchen was so warm and toasty all the time. I miss the simple things that are in no way simple, but comforting.
I remember telling Mom several years ago about this radio station, 92.9, that played all Christmas songs from Thanksgiving on. She immediately turned it there. She loved it and always had that station on for the month. I can still see her now, how she would bop her head side to side to the music when it was on the radio. Some of the Old Gene Audrey songs, Oh, God, how she loved them. I miss that so much. I can't listen to that station this year cause I just will start crying thinking about her and what we are all missing. It is so painful when you know how important something is for someone and they aren't here to enjoy it any more. It is painful!
It is still one day at a time. I still think of her all the time. All the time. I think of what she would be doing getting ready for the holidays. Thinking of how she would be getting everything set to send out or to bring gifts over to her family in the area. I think of how she would exude the energy of the holidays and how it made her so happy that they were here. I think of how she would just make people happy; feeling her energy. I know that we would feel that energy when we were with her. The holidays will not be the same without her; the energy will not be as strong nor the Christmas lights so bright.
Our shining star is not atop our tree this year.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thanksgiving and simplicity
I had my first dream of my Mother last night. It was brief, a few seconds. But the weird part is that I don't remember seeing her only hearing her voice. I woke up calm and unsure of what to think. I am still at that point.
I also went to a florist because I was looking to see what could be made up to put on Mom's grave for the winter season. Unfortunately, not much. However, I asked them if they could put together some greens with holly, and some other reds to make it seasonal. I picked it up and it is lovely. Mom would have loved it but hated that I spent money on her like that. I had it at Mom and Dad's house for Thanksgiving. It really was nice on the table.
Thanksgiving was busy for me. Which probably was a good thing. I took the morning shift with Dad and began some cooking over there. I cleaned the house and porch (where we were to have lunch) and set the table and did all kinds of stuff to keep me occupied. Marcel Paul took over Mom's role of cooking the turkey. Mom had one in her freezer and Marcel made that along with stuffing and gravy. Everyone loved it. Mom would have loved that we used her bird ..."use it up" she would say. Don't want to waste anything in the Hurlburt household. Amanda made the mashed potatoes, a casserole, and some desserts. Patience made several of Mom's special treats for everyone; peanut butter balls, rice crispy treats, and fudge (Mom loved fudge). She really took on Gram's role of making some of her incredible goodies, and that was special. And delicious too, Gram would have been proud!! Other people brought things too.
Everything went as well as could be expected, there were 18 people there which was nice. Lots of food and great to have family around. I managed to make it until all the food was on the table and as I stood in front of the stove, I just stopped working and felt overcome with sadness. It was obvious to me at that point that Mom was not there and that there is a gaping hole in the day. I was able to walk away without being seen and have a little crying moment in the bathroom. Enough to release some of the pain and go back out to the porch.
After almost everyone had left, I took the arrangement down to the cemetery to put on her grave. I stayed for about 20 minutes and really cried. The arrangement looked very nice there and I have to say that she has the loveliest grave in the cemetery. We make sure that hers is the most beautiful for a wonderful and loving Mom.
I posted the other day that I was glad that Thanksgiving was over and that was all that I could say. And it is true. And I got to thinking about what it really means to be thankful. Of course I am thankful for all I have in my life, that is a given. But I thought about what I was thankful about when I think of Mom. And this is what I came up with:
I am so thankful that I was born to Catherine Josephine Cormier Hurlburt.
I am thankful that Mom was young enough when she had me that she was able to be a very cool Mom in not only my eyes, but my friends as well.
I am thankful that she let me be me and supported everything that I chose to do.
I am thankful that she taught me how NOT to take myself too serious and to laugh at myself when appropriate.
I am thankful that she showed me what compassion is and why it is important to be a compassionate person.
I am thankful that she practiced loving her children unconditionally and without judgement because we learned by her example to love our children that way too.
I am thankful that she did the same with her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
I am thankful that she showed me why it is important to be a giving person with your time, money, and energy.
I am thankful that she taught her children what family is about and why it is important to keep the ties strong; we are able to put that lesson to use now.
I am thankful that she was with us for nearly 76 years of life.
I am thankful that I moved here nearly 7 years ago and was either able to spend every day visiting her or talking with her on the phone.
I am thankful that she showed us what strength is...because we all need to call upon that one often now.
I am thankful that she taught me that the simple things in life are often the most precious.
I am thankful and proud that she is my mother and I love her.
I recently remembered something that I had given to my Mom and Dad about 23-24 years ago when Russ and I were just married only a couple of years. We were broke as a young couple and Mom and Dad's anniversary was coming up. I was not sure what I could get them that was special AND what I could afford. So I did the best thing that I could and I wrote something to them. And here is an excerpt of it:
Happy Anniversary
Mom: What energy you have. Sometimes I get so tired just looking at you, never mind trying to keep up with you. And you're such a fun person to be around, always so excited about new things, different holidays, and especially how very proud of your children you are, who in return I can say "WE" are so proud of you for being our mother, putting up with everything that kids do when they're growing up-but always standing by us throughout everything. Keeping us on the straight and narrow. You're such a beautiful lady too! Those sparkling eyes (that I can say thank you for I have the same eyes), wonderful smile that could warm the heart of anyone, but most important, warms the heart of your children and your husband as well. I love you for everything you've done for us and I'm sure everything you keep right on doing.
I found this letter that I had written to them in her box where all of her important papers are located; birth certificates, baptisms and wedding certificates. I found a photocopy of it too. That photocopy means to me that that simple act of writing these feelings down to her meant the world to her. That it meant so much in fact that she wanted to have copies of it around. And it gives me comfort to know that it meant that much to her.
It's the simple things Debra, that's what I now say and practice. It is time with family. The love we all feel for each other and our family. And it is the ability to continue to enjoy being with each other. These are the key elements.
Now isn't that simple! Thanks Mom for continuing to teach me. You are the best!!
I also went to a florist because I was looking to see what could be made up to put on Mom's grave for the winter season. Unfortunately, not much. However, I asked them if they could put together some greens with holly, and some other reds to make it seasonal. I picked it up and it is lovely. Mom would have loved it but hated that I spent money on her like that. I had it at Mom and Dad's house for Thanksgiving. It really was nice on the table.
Thanksgiving was busy for me. Which probably was a good thing. I took the morning shift with Dad and began some cooking over there. I cleaned the house and porch (where we were to have lunch) and set the table and did all kinds of stuff to keep me occupied. Marcel Paul took over Mom's role of cooking the turkey. Mom had one in her freezer and Marcel made that along with stuffing and gravy. Everyone loved it. Mom would have loved that we used her bird ..."use it up" she would say. Don't want to waste anything in the Hurlburt household. Amanda made the mashed potatoes, a casserole, and some desserts. Patience made several of Mom's special treats for everyone; peanut butter balls, rice crispy treats, and fudge (Mom loved fudge). She really took on Gram's role of making some of her incredible goodies, and that was special. And delicious too, Gram would have been proud!! Other people brought things too.
Everything went as well as could be expected, there were 18 people there which was nice. Lots of food and great to have family around. I managed to make it until all the food was on the table and as I stood in front of the stove, I just stopped working and felt overcome with sadness. It was obvious to me at that point that Mom was not there and that there is a gaping hole in the day. I was able to walk away without being seen and have a little crying moment in the bathroom. Enough to release some of the pain and go back out to the porch.
After almost everyone had left, I took the arrangement down to the cemetery to put on her grave. I stayed for about 20 minutes and really cried. The arrangement looked very nice there and I have to say that she has the loveliest grave in the cemetery. We make sure that hers is the most beautiful for a wonderful and loving Mom.
I posted the other day that I was glad that Thanksgiving was over and that was all that I could say. And it is true. And I got to thinking about what it really means to be thankful. Of course I am thankful for all I have in my life, that is a given. But I thought about what I was thankful about when I think of Mom. And this is what I came up with:
I am so thankful that I was born to Catherine Josephine Cormier Hurlburt.
I am thankful that Mom was young enough when she had me that she was able to be a very cool Mom in not only my eyes, but my friends as well.
I am thankful that she let me be me and supported everything that I chose to do.
I am thankful that she taught me how NOT to take myself too serious and to laugh at myself when appropriate.
I am thankful that she showed me what compassion is and why it is important to be a compassionate person.
I am thankful that she practiced loving her children unconditionally and without judgement because we learned by her example to love our children that way too.
I am thankful that she did the same with her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
I am thankful that she showed me why it is important to be a giving person with your time, money, and energy.
I am thankful that she taught her children what family is about and why it is important to keep the ties strong; we are able to put that lesson to use now.
I am thankful that she was with us for nearly 76 years of life.
I am thankful that I moved here nearly 7 years ago and was either able to spend every day visiting her or talking with her on the phone.
I am thankful that she showed us what strength is...because we all need to call upon that one often now.
I am thankful that she taught me that the simple things in life are often the most precious.
I am thankful and proud that she is my mother and I love her.
I recently remembered something that I had given to my Mom and Dad about 23-24 years ago when Russ and I were just married only a couple of years. We were broke as a young couple and Mom and Dad's anniversary was coming up. I was not sure what I could get them that was special AND what I could afford. So I did the best thing that I could and I wrote something to them. And here is an excerpt of it:
Happy Anniversary
Mom: What energy you have. Sometimes I get so tired just looking at you, never mind trying to keep up with you. And you're such a fun person to be around, always so excited about new things, different holidays, and especially how very proud of your children you are, who in return I can say "WE" are so proud of you for being our mother, putting up with everything that kids do when they're growing up-but always standing by us throughout everything. Keeping us on the straight and narrow. You're such a beautiful lady too! Those sparkling eyes (that I can say thank you for I have the same eyes), wonderful smile that could warm the heart of anyone, but most important, warms the heart of your children and your husband as well. I love you for everything you've done for us and I'm sure everything you keep right on doing.
I found this letter that I had written to them in her box where all of her important papers are located; birth certificates, baptisms and wedding certificates. I found a photocopy of it too. That photocopy means to me that that simple act of writing these feelings down to her meant the world to her. That it meant so much in fact that she wanted to have copies of it around. And it gives me comfort to know that it meant that much to her.
It's the simple things Debra, that's what I now say and practice. It is time with family. The love we all feel for each other and our family. And it is the ability to continue to enjoy being with each other. These are the key elements.
Now isn't that simple! Thanks Mom for continuing to teach me. You are the best!!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
For the Love of Family
Yesterday, November 13th was a beautiful Fall day. I was able to go outside and do some yard work. I have not been up to doing that in a long time, and my gardens sure looked like they had been neglected. And I thought of Mom most of the time. And I think back to when my Mom lost her Mom, my Grandmother. She was about my age now. She was so strong during that time. She seemed to pick herself right back up, never skip a beat. I am not sure how she did it, I think that part of it was that she was from an era that you just kept going. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I cannot do that. I am not strong like her.
I am still so crushed by this loss. What is wrong with me? I thought I was so strong and independent; thought I was just like her. But come to find out her strength surpassed me. She is such a force.
I remember my Grandmother's funeral. I remember my Mother before and after Grandma's death; my mother kept it together. She helped her sister, my Aunt Irene, with the funeral preparations; she helped take care of her father, Shirl Ovitt, when he was left alone after Gram died. I remember coming to Vermont to visit my family and my mother would go get my Grandfather at his house in East Middlebury to bring him over to have dinner with her. Then she would take him home. I remember saying to her how do you do this and work and sleep and keep your house and, and, and... And she responded that this is her father and she loved him and it is what she wanted to do and what was right. She helped take good care of him after my Grandmother passed. I appreciated that then, and I appreciate AND understand it now.
We have a great video somewhere here of my Grandfather Shirl spending Christmas at our house after Gram died. He was a such a funny guy. I can see why Mom wanted him around so much. I get what my mother did and I respect her so much for what she did.
But the strength that she had, just blows me away. I think back and just am humbled:
She had 5 children in six years. She worked to the day for each of them. She was working at the old Topp's Restaurant in Middlebury (now where Breadloaf Construction is located) when she had my oldest brother, Earl. She told me that she was cleaning up while in labor with him. She went to the hospital AFTER she was done with her work. She came home after each child was born and went pretty much right back to work. No questions, no discussion, that just what you did. She raised her family well and that is why her children have such a work ethic because of her and my Dad. Nothing is for free and if you want something you gotta work for it she would say.
She also worked very hard in her and Dad's vegetable garden. It was the most incredible garden. At the time, we didn't think it was the most incredible garden; trust me, we hated it. That was because we HAD to do chores. We had to help with all the work of planting a garden; from laying down fertilizer, to tilling, to planting, to watering, to weeding, to picking, to help canning, to putting it to bed in the Fall. And the garden was huge. The garden took up most of what is their backyard right now. The food that was produced was what we ate for the winter. So we had to have a good garden. There is this picture of us standing in front of the garden; what a riot, we all look like some rag-a-muffin kids. We all laugh so much when we see that picture. Mom did too. She knew what we went through in our younger years. But that's just the way it was.
As I was the youngest, and when all the other kids were in school, I was able to go with my mother to where she worked. I was very lucky, I was able to see what she did everyday. I was able to be with her everyday before I was in school. That was a very precious time for me. She would take me and I would help her with her work. Then she would let me watch a little TV and get me some kinda treat. When I was older and in high school, I was able to ride to high school and back with Mom after she got out of work. I would go shopping with her everyday after work at Greg's, actually it was Stan's Market then; Stan Stefanski.
When I graduated from High School, I was engaged (too young stupid girl) and my mother, although never said don't do it said instead, "...you know, you really should live with someone before you marry them, you never really know someone til you live with them." Well I did then live with him and soon after moved out. She was so right. I then moved to Rochester, NY, because of someone special in my life. She too never said anything negative but always supported my decisions. I was very young now that I look back at that time. I had nothing then, no money, no car. I walked everywhere and live with the most minimal of things. I called one day and said that I wanted to move back home. So the very next day she drove 7 hours to pick me up with my Dad, then we turned around and drove 7 hours back. I will never forget what she had done for me then. And I will never forget what she has done for me in my life.
I guess that is why I am so crushed by the loss of her. I can never give back everything that I believe I owe her. Even though I know exactly what she would say..."you kids have given me so much and that I am so blessed with you."
So history repeats itself. I will help take care of my father with my family and make sure that he is taken care of because this is my father and that I love him and it is what I want to do and what is right.
I get it Mom, you were right. Thank you again, and again, and again...
I am still so crushed by this loss. What is wrong with me? I thought I was so strong and independent; thought I was just like her. But come to find out her strength surpassed me. She is such a force.
I remember my Grandmother's funeral. I remember my Mother before and after Grandma's death; my mother kept it together. She helped her sister, my Aunt Irene, with the funeral preparations; she helped take care of her father, Shirl Ovitt, when he was left alone after Gram died. I remember coming to Vermont to visit my family and my mother would go get my Grandfather at his house in East Middlebury to bring him over to have dinner with her. Then she would take him home. I remember saying to her how do you do this and work and sleep and keep your house and, and, and... And she responded that this is her father and she loved him and it is what she wanted to do and what was right. She helped take good care of him after my Grandmother passed. I appreciated that then, and I appreciate AND understand it now.
We have a great video somewhere here of my Grandfather Shirl spending Christmas at our house after Gram died. He was a such a funny guy. I can see why Mom wanted him around so much. I get what my mother did and I respect her so much for what she did.
But the strength that she had, just blows me away. I think back and just am humbled:
She had 5 children in six years. She worked to the day for each of them. She was working at the old Topp's Restaurant in Middlebury (now where Breadloaf Construction is located) when she had my oldest brother, Earl. She told me that she was cleaning up while in labor with him. She went to the hospital AFTER she was done with her work. She came home after each child was born and went pretty much right back to work. No questions, no discussion, that just what you did. She raised her family well and that is why her children have such a work ethic because of her and my Dad. Nothing is for free and if you want something you gotta work for it she would say.
She also worked very hard in her and Dad's vegetable garden. It was the most incredible garden. At the time, we didn't think it was the most incredible garden; trust me, we hated it. That was because we HAD to do chores. We had to help with all the work of planting a garden; from laying down fertilizer, to tilling, to planting, to watering, to weeding, to picking, to help canning, to putting it to bed in the Fall. And the garden was huge. The garden took up most of what is their backyard right now. The food that was produced was what we ate for the winter. So we had to have a good garden. There is this picture of us standing in front of the garden; what a riot, we all look like some rag-a-muffin kids. We all laugh so much when we see that picture. Mom did too. She knew what we went through in our younger years. But that's just the way it was.
As I was the youngest, and when all the other kids were in school, I was able to go with my mother to where she worked. I was very lucky, I was able to see what she did everyday. I was able to be with her everyday before I was in school. That was a very precious time for me. She would take me and I would help her with her work. Then she would let me watch a little TV and get me some kinda treat. When I was older and in high school, I was able to ride to high school and back with Mom after she got out of work. I would go shopping with her everyday after work at Greg's, actually it was Stan's Market then; Stan Stefanski.
When I graduated from High School, I was engaged (too young stupid girl) and my mother, although never said don't do it said instead, "...you know, you really should live with someone before you marry them, you never really know someone til you live with them." Well I did then live with him and soon after moved out. She was so right. I then moved to Rochester, NY, because of someone special in my life. She too never said anything negative but always supported my decisions. I was very young now that I look back at that time. I had nothing then, no money, no car. I walked everywhere and live with the most minimal of things. I called one day and said that I wanted to move back home. So the very next day she drove 7 hours to pick me up with my Dad, then we turned around and drove 7 hours back. I will never forget what she had done for me then. And I will never forget what she has done for me in my life.
I guess that is why I am so crushed by the loss of her. I can never give back everything that I believe I owe her. Even though I know exactly what she would say..."you kids have given me so much and that I am so blessed with you."
So history repeats itself. I will help take care of my father with my family and make sure that he is taken care of because this is my father and that I love him and it is what I want to do and what is right.
I get it Mom, you were right. Thank you again, and again, and again...
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Happy-Sad
It's been a couple of weeks since I have written on my blog but not for lack of wanting to, just waiting for the right subject to consider. I have been thinking about writing about the people who have had signs from Mom, or writing about Stephen Hawkings (I don't know how to spell his name), but you know, the brilliant physicist who now believes that time travel is possible. Two very powerful topics and I can't wait to delve into them. However, those will have to wait because I think I need to write about Mom's holiday baking; a very powerful consideration in the Hurlburt household.
So the holidays are coming nearer and Mom loved the holidays. She started right before Halloween and went to after January (with all those after-holiday sales). She would start her buying for her children, their significant others, her 16 grandchildren and her 9 great grandchildren. She would begin writing her lists of what to give whom, and then she would start her list of what to make for each holiday. She began with Halloween and her popcorn balls. I decided that I would try to give making them a whirl this year in her honor and in her spirit. I just hope that they turn out HALF as good as she used to make them.
Yesterday, it was my shift with Dad. So I looked around in her kitchen for her cookbook that housed her specialty items where she kept all of her best (and I mean best) holiday treats. I found it! Her cookbook was actually a photo album which she converted years and years ago into her personal cookbook. This cookbook had handwritten recipes, cutout-of-magazine recipes, recipes that were typed up, and recipes that had pictures of some of these items. It was a happy-sad find for me.
Happy-sad is a term that my family, Russ, Patience and I, used after Patience came into our life. It is one of those moments that you try to explain to your child, in simplistic terms, why you are crying at something that is good and beautiful. It refers to things that you really can't describe as a sad event or a happy event, but an event that makes you smile with good thoughts but with tears that make you sad, and it can make you laugh through the tears. So finding Mom's special cookbook was a happy-sad moment for me.
I sat at the table and cried because I found all these great recipes for goodies that Mom would have started cooking for the holidays. I cried because I know how much I am going to miss that ritual that she had. I sat there and cried because I really miss her so badly. One of the hardest moments of looking through the cookbook was a recipe for molasses cookies, and above the typed recipe text she had hand-written, "very good", next to it (So you have to know that if Mom wrote that in there, it MUST be good). That was very sad for me. I could just picture her doing this, after making the cookies and sampling them, writing those words down. I could just picture her there. My heart broke again.
I also found some of her recipes for pickles and relishes. Again, all of these were typed, and when I say typed, I should clarify, they were typed from a typewriter, not a computer. That is how good they are, that she kept them and used them year after year.
Well, I found the popcorn ball one and it had just four ingredients. Popcorn, molasses, sugar, and "oleo". I don't know if too many people call it oleo anymore; or just margarine today, but that's how long this recipe has been there. I am going to make her popcorn balls and save some for my brother and sisters. And I hope that we get some trick-or-treaters tonight. Dad would love that. He would get such a kick out of seeing all of these little costumed-kids.
Here is another lesson that I have learned (thank you Mom, you keep teaching me and I am so appreciative). Please make sure that you think of your elderly parents and friends and keep them in your mind every day. It can be a terribly lonely existence if they are left to themselves. Take the time to visit them often and make them a part of your daily ritual; either with a call or a short visit. Doing things like this MAKE us all better people. Compassion is such an important part of life and it is one that will come back to you many times over.
Today I will go over to Mom and Dad's house and I will be proud of what I am about to undertake. I am going to give it my best shot; try to put my feet in some very big shoes. And I will wait with my Dad in hopes that little kids stop by to give him a chuckle. And to test my first shot at seeing how far the apple fell from the tree. I love you Mom! And I am so proud to say that I am your daughter. It makes me happy-sad...
So the holidays are coming nearer and Mom loved the holidays. She started right before Halloween and went to after January (with all those after-holiday sales). She would start her buying for her children, their significant others, her 16 grandchildren and her 9 great grandchildren. She would begin writing her lists of what to give whom, and then she would start her list of what to make for each holiday. She began with Halloween and her popcorn balls. I decided that I would try to give making them a whirl this year in her honor and in her spirit. I just hope that they turn out HALF as good as she used to make them.
Yesterday, it was my shift with Dad. So I looked around in her kitchen for her cookbook that housed her specialty items where she kept all of her best (and I mean best) holiday treats. I found it! Her cookbook was actually a photo album which she converted years and years ago into her personal cookbook. This cookbook had handwritten recipes, cutout-of-magazine recipes, recipes that were typed up, and recipes that had pictures of some of these items. It was a happy-sad find for me.
Happy-sad is a term that my family, Russ, Patience and I, used after Patience came into our life. It is one of those moments that you try to explain to your child, in simplistic terms, why you are crying at something that is good and beautiful. It refers to things that you really can't describe as a sad event or a happy event, but an event that makes you smile with good thoughts but with tears that make you sad, and it can make you laugh through the tears. So finding Mom's special cookbook was a happy-sad moment for me.
I sat at the table and cried because I found all these great recipes for goodies that Mom would have started cooking for the holidays. I cried because I know how much I am going to miss that ritual that she had. I sat there and cried because I really miss her so badly. One of the hardest moments of looking through the cookbook was a recipe for molasses cookies, and above the typed recipe text she had hand-written, "very good", next to it (So you have to know that if Mom wrote that in there, it MUST be good). That was very sad for me. I could just picture her doing this, after making the cookies and sampling them, writing those words down. I could just picture her there. My heart broke again.
I also found some of her recipes for pickles and relishes. Again, all of these were typed, and when I say typed, I should clarify, they were typed from a typewriter, not a computer. That is how good they are, that she kept them and used them year after year.
Well, I found the popcorn ball one and it had just four ingredients. Popcorn, molasses, sugar, and "oleo". I don't know if too many people call it oleo anymore; or just margarine today, but that's how long this recipe has been there. I am going to make her popcorn balls and save some for my brother and sisters. And I hope that we get some trick-or-treaters tonight. Dad would love that. He would get such a kick out of seeing all of these little costumed-kids.
Here is another lesson that I have learned (thank you Mom, you keep teaching me and I am so appreciative). Please make sure that you think of your elderly parents and friends and keep them in your mind every day. It can be a terribly lonely existence if they are left to themselves. Take the time to visit them often and make them a part of your daily ritual; either with a call or a short visit. Doing things like this MAKE us all better people. Compassion is such an important part of life and it is one that will come back to you many times over.
Today I will go over to Mom and Dad's house and I will be proud of what I am about to undertake. I am going to give it my best shot; try to put my feet in some very big shoes. And I will wait with my Dad in hopes that little kids stop by to give him a chuckle. And to test my first shot at seeing how far the apple fell from the tree. I love you Mom! And I am so proud to say that I am your daughter. It makes me happy-sad...
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Lists
Halloween is coming. You can feel it in the air. The nights are getting chilly and the blanket of leaves on my lawn are being pulled up closer to the house, preparing for what is to come.
Mom loved autumn. She love the coolness of it. She would put up the vegetables from the garden; tomatoes, beans, Swiss chard, beets, carrots, pickles, everything; there was never any waste from her garden. I tried to keep up with it this fall but my mind was not on that. And it is so much work to can vegetables. I have done it several times and I am in total awe of how she was always able to do all that work. I now see the empty canning jars on the porch and feel sad that it is not going to be this year, or any other year for that matter.
Mom always loved Halloween too. It think that it was a reason for her to make her incredibly delicious popcorn balls. She always made so many and would end up eating alot of them. But making sure she gave some to Laura cause she loved them too. I would go over and she would have some set aside for Laura. She ALWAYS thought about her kids. She would give the trick-or-treaters a popcorn ball and a huge chocolate bars. However, since us kids have grown up, and the kids' kids are grown, there really aren't too many others that come by the house any more. But that didn't matter to Mom. She would still make as many popcorn balls and have the same number of candy bars available, cause"...you never know." She never would have wanted to disappoint a kid so she always made sure there was enough.
This is also the time of year that she would start preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She LOVED the holidays. She loved knowing that her family was going to celebrate these days together. She would make sure that she had the turkey way ahead of time. Starting buying the cranberry sauce. And start making her lists. She was a list-lady. So am I and so is her granddaughter Amanda. There is something fulfilling about being able to write things down and then crossing them off.
LISTS
I was over to Mom's and Dad's house yesterday and was going over some papers, looking for something for Dad's truck. And I found the most heartwarming thing that I didn't know that she had kept. It actually made me get butterflies in my stomach. It was a list of people that were attending Russ and my wedding, 27 years ago. She had the pages of them with the names of attendees and a check beside their name. Also in another list were the names of the guys that were in the wedding party with the measurements for their tuxes that she had kept there too. It was a really beautiful find!
My wedding was her wedding too. I had my Mom involved in every step of it. She was my own personal wedding planner. She loved to be involved too. Russ and I were living in Massachusetts but getting married here in Vermont and I couldn't always be there to do stuff so Mom did alot of it for me. She was great too. She would do all the leg work for me for things from the wedding cake that I ordered (with her guidance of course) to the tuxes. She was the depository for the RSVP cards too. She put them in order for me and would call me and tell me who had responded that day. We would talk every night about how the wedding plans were progressing and what she could do for me. It was a beautiful, fun wedding and I have such great memories of Mom on that day. And finding that list was such a wonderful find. It was like finding treasure. I was able to smile and not cry.
My lists these days are in my head mainly; making sure my father is taken care of (with my brothers and sisters), get myself stronger, take care of my family, and try to find the spirituality of life; in that order. Because at this time in my life, my Dad is a priority. He cannot take care of himself and we have to take care of him. He looks so lost sometimes and sad that it makes me cry when I leave him. Dad is of the generation that women take care of the men. I know that he misses Mom so much. We try our very best to make him comfortable and as happy as we can as his children. I will do everything in my power to make sure that he knows how much we love him and how much Mom loved him.
Finding my strength to move forward, one step at a time, is my next list item. When that happens I can take care of MY family again. They have been wonderful and patient with me. They know what I am going through and are giving me love and support to get me back. When my strength returns, I know that I will be whole again, be myself, and be who I am and get back to how I want my live to be.
My life has been interrupted; it actually has been put on pause. That is what it feels like. Not knowing how to move forward of how to move back. My humor, love of life, sense of who I am has been totally knocked out of me. I need to get that back in order to find myself again. And I do see the sparks sometimes. I do know that I am getting there. It is a process. One that I know that I have to get through in order to move forward. And to grieve properly, to get it out.
My last mental list item is finding spirituality; finding the meaning of all of this. I am not necessarily talking about religion, but maybe that is what it will be. I want to know what is out there for all of us. I am looking for the comfort that we all try to find when this happens to us. I was telling the woman that has been helping me through this journey on Friday that I am so happy that Mom has come to people all around me in their dreams but am upset that she has not come to me, no dreams of Mom. So MM asked me that if my Mom came to me, what would I want to know or ask her. The words just tumbled out of my mouth, I just want to know that she is ok, that she is happy and joyful where she it. That is all I want to know. I want to know that my Mom IS out there. I want to know that there is a place where I will someday see her again. I want to know that we will laugh again, hug again, and I can kiss her cheek again. Her beautiful, smiling, mom-cheek.
Mom loved autumn. She love the coolness of it. She would put up the vegetables from the garden; tomatoes, beans, Swiss chard, beets, carrots, pickles, everything; there was never any waste from her garden. I tried to keep up with it this fall but my mind was not on that. And it is so much work to can vegetables. I have done it several times and I am in total awe of how she was always able to do all that work. I now see the empty canning jars on the porch and feel sad that it is not going to be this year, or any other year for that matter.
Mom always loved Halloween too. It think that it was a reason for her to make her incredibly delicious popcorn balls. She always made so many and would end up eating alot of them. But making sure she gave some to Laura cause she loved them too. I would go over and she would have some set aside for Laura. She ALWAYS thought about her kids. She would give the trick-or-treaters a popcorn ball and a huge chocolate bars. However, since us kids have grown up, and the kids' kids are grown, there really aren't too many others that come by the house any more. But that didn't matter to Mom. She would still make as many popcorn balls and have the same number of candy bars available, cause"...you never know." She never would have wanted to disappoint a kid so she always made sure there was enough.
This is also the time of year that she would start preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She LOVED the holidays. She loved knowing that her family was going to celebrate these days together. She would make sure that she had the turkey way ahead of time. Starting buying the cranberry sauce. And start making her lists. She was a list-lady. So am I and so is her granddaughter Amanda. There is something fulfilling about being able to write things down and then crossing them off.
LISTS
I was over to Mom's and Dad's house yesterday and was going over some papers, looking for something for Dad's truck. And I found the most heartwarming thing that I didn't know that she had kept. It actually made me get butterflies in my stomach. It was a list of people that were attending Russ and my wedding, 27 years ago. She had the pages of them with the names of attendees and a check beside their name. Also in another list were the names of the guys that were in the wedding party with the measurements for their tuxes that she had kept there too. It was a really beautiful find!
My wedding was her wedding too. I had my Mom involved in every step of it. She was my own personal wedding planner. She loved to be involved too. Russ and I were living in Massachusetts but getting married here in Vermont and I couldn't always be there to do stuff so Mom did alot of it for me. She was great too. She would do all the leg work for me for things from the wedding cake that I ordered (with her guidance of course) to the tuxes. She was the depository for the RSVP cards too. She put them in order for me and would call me and tell me who had responded that day. We would talk every night about how the wedding plans were progressing and what she could do for me. It was a beautiful, fun wedding and I have such great memories of Mom on that day. And finding that list was such a wonderful find. It was like finding treasure. I was able to smile and not cry.
My lists these days are in my head mainly; making sure my father is taken care of (with my brothers and sisters), get myself stronger, take care of my family, and try to find the spirituality of life; in that order. Because at this time in my life, my Dad is a priority. He cannot take care of himself and we have to take care of him. He looks so lost sometimes and sad that it makes me cry when I leave him. Dad is of the generation that women take care of the men. I know that he misses Mom so much. We try our very best to make him comfortable and as happy as we can as his children. I will do everything in my power to make sure that he knows how much we love him and how much Mom loved him.
Finding my strength to move forward, one step at a time, is my next list item. When that happens I can take care of MY family again. They have been wonderful and patient with me. They know what I am going through and are giving me love and support to get me back. When my strength returns, I know that I will be whole again, be myself, and be who I am and get back to how I want my live to be.
My life has been interrupted; it actually has been put on pause. That is what it feels like. Not knowing how to move forward of how to move back. My humor, love of life, sense of who I am has been totally knocked out of me. I need to get that back in order to find myself again. And I do see the sparks sometimes. I do know that I am getting there. It is a process. One that I know that I have to get through in order to move forward. And to grieve properly, to get it out.
My last mental list item is finding spirituality; finding the meaning of all of this. I am not necessarily talking about religion, but maybe that is what it will be. I want to know what is out there for all of us. I am looking for the comfort that we all try to find when this happens to us. I was telling the woman that has been helping me through this journey on Friday that I am so happy that Mom has come to people all around me in their dreams but am upset that she has not come to me, no dreams of Mom. So MM asked me that if my Mom came to me, what would I want to know or ask her. The words just tumbled out of my mouth, I just want to know that she is ok, that she is happy and joyful where she it. That is all I want to know. I want to know that my Mom IS out there. I want to know that there is a place where I will someday see her again. I want to know that we will laugh again, hug again, and I can kiss her cheek again. Her beautiful, smiling, mom-cheek.
Friday, October 8, 2010
My Birth Day
Happy Birthday.
Well today is my 52 birthday. It is my first birthday without my Mom. Another first.
Mom would always call me on my birthday and get me a card. I have kept all my cards. I just pulled out ones from the last few years. She was so sweet and thoughtful. I even found one that she gave to me that had two dogs on the front. I opened it up and it was signed "Love, Kiera and Dakota" Kiera is her German Shepard dog and Dakota is my German Shepard dog. She would do things like that. Very thoughtful. She loved animals so much and thought that they had such wonderful personalities and that they should be treated as equally as people. I do too.
I will miss getting my card from her today. My Mother loved to give, to make people smile and try to make them happy. Mom loved to make her children happy. It meant the world to her to give her children what she could. I know that it meant more to her to give me something, to give her children something, than to get anything in return. She always got such pleasure in the giving. She didn't so much like the getting, it was never about her. And that is what giving should always be about. A lesson.
I remember too, the story of my birth. Mom got a charge out of telling me about it. To me, births are really the story of mothers and their strength. I think that a birthday should be celebrated to not only honor the child but also to honor the mother. Mother's have great strength. I knew someone (a mother) that received flowers from the father at every one of their children's birthdays because he knew what a special day that is for women.
But this is my birth story and it is a pretty cool story. Mom starting by telling me that because I was her 5th child, the delivery was fast, really fast. So the story goes that Dad took her to the hospital on October 8, 1958 and left her with the nurses as was usual protocol back then. Back in the day, fathers didn't go in the delivery room to experience the whole birthing process. She said that fathers just dropped you off and either left or went to a waiting room. Dad decided to go home because he thought that it would be a while. Once Dad got home, he called the hospital to check on Mom and see how she was doing. The nurse told Dad, "Well, Mr. Hurlburt your wife gave birth ever before you had left the hospital. It took about 10 minutes." She actually gave birth to me before she reached the delivery room. Well as Mom told it, Dad was glad about that because on his way home he had a flat tire. That would have been an interesting addition to the story. But I love this story. It is a pretty exciting story to tell.
I am sitting here on my couch this morning and am considering how to spend the day. I know that I will go to the cemetery to see Mom and to talk with her a bit. To thank her for being a great Mom, and to celebrate my birth with her. I know that she will be on my mind, in most of my thoughts today. I would really love to get a sign from Mom today, that would be a the best birthday present ever.
I got several birthday cards today wishing me a happy birthday and to "stay strong" (I am trying so hard), and that "she is with you". I don't know what that means. Does that mean she is here with me spiritually or that I have much of her in me. I don't understand. How do people move forward? It is so slow and painful.
I want to celebrate my day of birth with as much happiness that I can muster. I want to think of Mom where she is now, in a place of beauty, surrounded by friends and family since passed. Laughing her infectious laugh and making people so comfortable and at ease where she is. I want to hear her laughing in my head from the joy that was her life.
My birth is not just a celebration of my life but a celebration of my Mother's strength, caring, beauty and loving self. Happy birthday to me, thank you Mom. You make me a better person for all that you were and all that you gave me. I guess that is the best birthday gift of all. I love you.
Well today is my 52 birthday. It is my first birthday without my Mom. Another first.
Mom would always call me on my birthday and get me a card. I have kept all my cards. I just pulled out ones from the last few years. She was so sweet and thoughtful. I even found one that she gave to me that had two dogs on the front. I opened it up and it was signed "Love, Kiera and Dakota" Kiera is her German Shepard dog and Dakota is my German Shepard dog. She would do things like that. Very thoughtful. She loved animals so much and thought that they had such wonderful personalities and that they should be treated as equally as people. I do too.
I will miss getting my card from her today. My Mother loved to give, to make people smile and try to make them happy. Mom loved to make her children happy. It meant the world to her to give her children what she could. I know that it meant more to her to give me something, to give her children something, than to get anything in return. She always got such pleasure in the giving. She didn't so much like the getting, it was never about her. And that is what giving should always be about. A lesson.
I remember too, the story of my birth. Mom got a charge out of telling me about it. To me, births are really the story of mothers and their strength. I think that a birthday should be celebrated to not only honor the child but also to honor the mother. Mother's have great strength. I knew someone (a mother) that received flowers from the father at every one of their children's birthdays because he knew what a special day that is for women.
But this is my birth story and it is a pretty cool story. Mom starting by telling me that because I was her 5th child, the delivery was fast, really fast. So the story goes that Dad took her to the hospital on October 8, 1958 and left her with the nurses as was usual protocol back then. Back in the day, fathers didn't go in the delivery room to experience the whole birthing process. She said that fathers just dropped you off and either left or went to a waiting room. Dad decided to go home because he thought that it would be a while. Once Dad got home, he called the hospital to check on Mom and see how she was doing. The nurse told Dad, "Well, Mr. Hurlburt your wife gave birth ever before you had left the hospital. It took about 10 minutes." She actually gave birth to me before she reached the delivery room. Well as Mom told it, Dad was glad about that because on his way home he had a flat tire. That would have been an interesting addition to the story. But I love this story. It is a pretty exciting story to tell.
I am sitting here on my couch this morning and am considering how to spend the day. I know that I will go to the cemetery to see Mom and to talk with her a bit. To thank her for being a great Mom, and to celebrate my birth with her. I know that she will be on my mind, in most of my thoughts today. I would really love to get a sign from Mom today, that would be a the best birthday present ever.
I got several birthday cards today wishing me a happy birthday and to "stay strong" (I am trying so hard), and that "she is with you". I don't know what that means. Does that mean she is here with me spiritually or that I have much of her in me. I don't understand. How do people move forward? It is so slow and painful.
I want to celebrate my day of birth with as much happiness that I can muster. I want to think of Mom where she is now, in a place of beauty, surrounded by friends and family since passed. Laughing her infectious laugh and making people so comfortable and at ease where she is. I want to hear her laughing in my head from the joy that was her life.
My birth is not just a celebration of my life but a celebration of my Mother's strength, caring, beauty and loving self. Happy birthday to me, thank you Mom. You make me a better person for all that you were and all that you gave me. I guess that is the best birthday gift of all. I love you.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Her Strength
I have been wondering lately about the depth of my grief. People have commented to me about it and say that it is a testament to my Mom. To me this is normal, I didn't know that there is any other way to grieve. Deep, painful, crushing, empty, sustaining grief. And terribly, terribly sad. Don't other people feel this depth of grief? Don't other people suffer so? I don't know. I would suspect that they do. However, I know nothing else but what I am experiencing.
I wonder if it has anything to do with how I knew my mother to be. She was the strongest woman I have ever known. I truly, honestly believe this. She was not a complainer. She worked so very hard in her life. But to her that was what people do. She worked at a job, came home, took care of the kids, the house, the garden, her community. She made sure she gave everything that she possibly could to her family. That was what life was for her, her family.
If she had it, she gave it and gave generously. She would go without for her children, her family. To Mom, life is what you give and how you give. You never said anything in passing to Mom because the next thing you know, it would appear for you. I learned later in my life to keep things to myself, things that I might wish I had, because she would get it for me. She wanted her children to have things that would make them a little happier, make their lives a little easier.
She also had this incredible strength emotionally. She was the type of woman that would say to herself, "can't feel sorry for yourself, gotta keep going," or "better pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move forward." She believed that life was going to leave you behind if you didn't keep moving.
I never heard her complain about anything, even when she was sick, she always went to work, did her usual daily chores, and just kept going. She just didn't talk about it. I would ask her, "how you doing today?" "Oh, I'm great." No matter what. She was always great. Part of it is that she probably didn't want us kids to worry about her. She never lead on anything negative.
I guess maybe that is why my grief is so deep, so profound some say. Because how could someone leave so suddenly, when they had such a strong persona. How can someone pass when they had so much life to live and so much love to give to her family. How could this woman, that I so looked up to, and admired for all that she was, leave me so absolutely lifeless; so weak. I believed, or maybe I hoped, that I could reach this pinnacle of what she was. But I feel so powerless now. Strength is not within this body right now.
She came from a generation of women where inequality reined. But she grew to be a woman that was stronger than any woman that I now know who has grown up in this "newer" generation. She surpassed them in every area.
Maybe my deep grief translates from the loss of the great pedestal that my Mom resides on in my mind and heart.
I wonder if it has anything to do with how I knew my mother to be. She was the strongest woman I have ever known. I truly, honestly believe this. She was not a complainer. She worked so very hard in her life. But to her that was what people do. She worked at a job, came home, took care of the kids, the house, the garden, her community. She made sure she gave everything that she possibly could to her family. That was what life was for her, her family.
If she had it, she gave it and gave generously. She would go without for her children, her family. To Mom, life is what you give and how you give. You never said anything in passing to Mom because the next thing you know, it would appear for you. I learned later in my life to keep things to myself, things that I might wish I had, because she would get it for me. She wanted her children to have things that would make them a little happier, make their lives a little easier.
She also had this incredible strength emotionally. She was the type of woman that would say to herself, "can't feel sorry for yourself, gotta keep going," or "better pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move forward." She believed that life was going to leave you behind if you didn't keep moving.
I never heard her complain about anything, even when she was sick, she always went to work, did her usual daily chores, and just kept going. She just didn't talk about it. I would ask her, "how you doing today?" "Oh, I'm great." No matter what. She was always great. Part of it is that she probably didn't want us kids to worry about her. She never lead on anything negative.
I guess maybe that is why my grief is so deep, so profound some say. Because how could someone leave so suddenly, when they had such a strong persona. How can someone pass when they had so much life to live and so much love to give to her family. How could this woman, that I so looked up to, and admired for all that she was, leave me so absolutely lifeless; so weak. I believed, or maybe I hoped, that I could reach this pinnacle of what she was. But I feel so powerless now. Strength is not within this body right now.
She came from a generation of women where inequality reined. But she grew to be a woman that was stronger than any woman that I now know who has grown up in this "newer" generation. She surpassed them in every area.
Maybe my deep grief translates from the loss of the great pedestal that my Mom resides on in my mind and heart.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
My First, Firsts...
Today I took my first bike ride since Mom's passing and I find that the "firsts" are very hard for me. It is then that I think things like "well the last time I took a ride, Mom was here." I know that sounds weird but that is how I look at some things. I guess that is what is meant when people say the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, Easter, etc. are very hard.
I don't want to pull out the vegetable plants that have gone by because Mom planted them; I don't want to put some things away in the house cause Mom put them there, I don't want to throw anything out cause Mom may have set it there or used it for something or just touched it.
I even find that the fall is making me sad because winter is coming and that can be such a dreary part of the year. It just makes me that much more sad. I know that when winter is here then I will withdraw because spring's approach will be hard. That is when Mom and I would say that the days are getting gorgeous and we would start to think about cleaning out our the vegetable and flower beds.
On our bike ride today, Russ and I were on Swamp Road, no cars in sight, no breeze, no nothing but swamp all around us on this road and we both at the same time smelled cigarette smoke. I looked at him and said, "I smell cigarettes." He said that he did too. Very strange. Because there was nobody, no thing, no breeze, nothing around. Do people get to smoke in heaven? I don't have any kind of explanation except Mom was with us, smoking a cigarette.
Yesterday, I went into a store where a good friend of mine works. And I kind of slowly peered over a shelf and said hello to her. She jumped a little and immediately asked me if my Mother had smoked cigarettes. And I said yes, why. She said because just a I said hello, she got this overwhelming smell of cigarettes. That she was waiving the smell away, it was so overpowering. Mom was there was all I could think of.
It is funny, I don't like the smell of cigarettes but I now like to smell that smell once in a while because that really brings me to close her. Her LiveSTRONG bracelet that I wear has the smell of cigarette smoke on it. I have been working with this woman who had commented that smell is one of the most powerful memory-triggers that there is. I am finding that this is very true because when Mom passed, I went would hold onto some of her clothes and put them to my face and smell. There was one shirt that was in her pile that still had her perfume smell on it. That smell made me really feel her near me.
The first firsts are going to be my challenge.
I don't want to pull out the vegetable plants that have gone by because Mom planted them; I don't want to put some things away in the house cause Mom put them there, I don't want to throw anything out cause Mom may have set it there or used it for something or just touched it.
I even find that the fall is making me sad because winter is coming and that can be such a dreary part of the year. It just makes me that much more sad. I know that when winter is here then I will withdraw because spring's approach will be hard. That is when Mom and I would say that the days are getting gorgeous and we would start to think about cleaning out our the vegetable and flower beds.
On our bike ride today, Russ and I were on Swamp Road, no cars in sight, no breeze, no nothing but swamp all around us on this road and we both at the same time smelled cigarette smoke. I looked at him and said, "I smell cigarettes." He said that he did too. Very strange. Because there was nobody, no thing, no breeze, nothing around. Do people get to smoke in heaven? I don't have any kind of explanation except Mom was with us, smoking a cigarette.
Yesterday, I went into a store where a good friend of mine works. And I kind of slowly peered over a shelf and said hello to her. She jumped a little and immediately asked me if my Mother had smoked cigarettes. And I said yes, why. She said because just a I said hello, she got this overwhelming smell of cigarettes. That she was waiving the smell away, it was so overpowering. Mom was there was all I could think of.
It is funny, I don't like the smell of cigarettes but I now like to smell that smell once in a while because that really brings me to close her. Her LiveSTRONG bracelet that I wear has the smell of cigarette smoke on it. I have been working with this woman who had commented that smell is one of the most powerful memory-triggers that there is. I am finding that this is very true because when Mom passed, I went would hold onto some of her clothes and put them to my face and smell. There was one shirt that was in her pile that still had her perfume smell on it. That smell made me really feel her near me.
The first firsts are going to be my challenge.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Everyday Tasks
Days seem to be getting harder Mom, they all feel the same, blend into one. I always feel the same. Maybe it is because I have been hoping and praying for a lighter load on me and my family but it doesn't seem to be going that way. Not yet anyway.
Work is not the answer as some say, "you should go back to work, it will help"...not helping. Simple tasks are difficult. Difficult tasks I seem to "man-up" and accomplish. I just want my Mom back. But I know that isn't going to be. My pain and grief is deep.
I now do the grocery shopping for Dad, I write the checks for the bill. It is SO difficult to write the checks, to see Mom's signature on the register just a few pages before. I walk by her desk at the house and see her writing on envelopes, on paperwork, and it takes my breath away. For that moment she is still here. She is everywhere in the house. From the dishes Mom and Dad ate on, to the baskets hanging in the living room, to the chair that she always sat in, to the canning jars sitting, just waiting for Mom to fill them again.
Norma does the lawn mowing because I can't even get in Mom's car to move it to get the mower out of the garage. Some things I hold tightly, others I pull back from. Sometimes it is too much. Mom's car was the place that I would see her second-most, her house first, but then her car. I would see her driving home from work or the grocery store (always with a wave and a smile), seeing her backing into the garage, or coming down my driveway to visit or drop something off. The car was her. If I was outside working, she would go by tooting her horn all along the way, her way of saying hi. Now, if I am outside working, and a car goes by tooting the horn, it always stops me in my tracks.
Yesterday, I went to the house to pick up the garbage and recycling to take to the dump, and completely lost it. Going about this task was so hard. I remember it was Mom and me taking turns going to the dump, whoever had the most free time that day was the one that went. I didn't want to go yesterday. I wanted to let the whole thing just go. Do it next week. Do it some other time, when I feel stronger.
Someone saw me yesterday and said that in time happy memories will help fill in the sadness. I am hoping because now there are no happy memories. I try to pull up these memories, look at pictures of us together, and it is not coming together. I just have to take people's words for it that in time it will happen. This is just such a horrible dream.
My niece Amanda and I were talking a couple of days ago and she was saying that getting through the holidays, through the next few months is going to be tough for us. Mom and Dad always came to my house for holiday lunches and celebrations. When Russ, Patience and I moved up here 6 years ago, I took over the role of having family at my house for the large get-togethers, it was getting too hard for Mom, our family has gotten so big. I wanted to make it easier for Mom, anything to help her out
But I don't know how we will do that this year, I can't imagine not seeing Mom at my table with the family. How do you get through that? Is everyone going to silently go about the business of eating and not mention what we all are thinking? Or are we all going to fall apart one at a time as we disappear from the table?
I am trying to find the spirituality of this, to find some comfort in it. I listen so intently to people as they tell me their beliefs, their stories of spirituality. I long to find that kind of comfort. I can only patiently wait for that day to come.
Work is not the answer as some say, "you should go back to work, it will help"...not helping. Simple tasks are difficult. Difficult tasks I seem to "man-up" and accomplish. I just want my Mom back. But I know that isn't going to be. My pain and grief is deep.
I now do the grocery shopping for Dad, I write the checks for the bill. It is SO difficult to write the checks, to see Mom's signature on the register just a few pages before. I walk by her desk at the house and see her writing on envelopes, on paperwork, and it takes my breath away. For that moment she is still here. She is everywhere in the house. From the dishes Mom and Dad ate on, to the baskets hanging in the living room, to the chair that she always sat in, to the canning jars sitting, just waiting for Mom to fill them again.
Norma does the lawn mowing because I can't even get in Mom's car to move it to get the mower out of the garage. Some things I hold tightly, others I pull back from. Sometimes it is too much. Mom's car was the place that I would see her second-most, her house first, but then her car. I would see her driving home from work or the grocery store (always with a wave and a smile), seeing her backing into the garage, or coming down my driveway to visit or drop something off. The car was her. If I was outside working, she would go by tooting her horn all along the way, her way of saying hi. Now, if I am outside working, and a car goes by tooting the horn, it always stops me in my tracks.
Yesterday, I went to the house to pick up the garbage and recycling to take to the dump, and completely lost it. Going about this task was so hard. I remember it was Mom and me taking turns going to the dump, whoever had the most free time that day was the one that went. I didn't want to go yesterday. I wanted to let the whole thing just go. Do it next week. Do it some other time, when I feel stronger.
Someone saw me yesterday and said that in time happy memories will help fill in the sadness. I am hoping because now there are no happy memories. I try to pull up these memories, look at pictures of us together, and it is not coming together. I just have to take people's words for it that in time it will happen. This is just such a horrible dream.
My niece Amanda and I were talking a couple of days ago and she was saying that getting through the holidays, through the next few months is going to be tough for us. Mom and Dad always came to my house for holiday lunches and celebrations. When Russ, Patience and I moved up here 6 years ago, I took over the role of having family at my house for the large get-togethers, it was getting too hard for Mom, our family has gotten so big. I wanted to make it easier for Mom, anything to help her out
But I don't know how we will do that this year, I can't imagine not seeing Mom at my table with the family. How do you get through that? Is everyone going to silently go about the business of eating and not mention what we all are thinking? Or are we all going to fall apart one at a time as we disappear from the table?
I am trying to find the spirituality of this, to find some comfort in it. I listen so intently to people as they tell me their beliefs, their stories of spirituality. I long to find that kind of comfort. I can only patiently wait for that day to come.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Hanging On
Yesterday I brought down to the cemetery two of the beautiful petunia plants that I had repotted for Mom. One is pink with magenta lines throughout it; and the other is magenta. I put up the wrought iron plant hanger and put it behind the headstone and put one of the plants on it and let it cascade over the front of the headstone a little bit. Perfect, it was. The other one, I wanted to put up on the other hook that would cascade to the side of the headstone. Of course, the best layed plans... Well, when I put the other plant on the other hook, the whole planter started to lean over and would have fallen if I hadn't caught it. I could just see Mom give me a look, laugh, and roll her eyes. I ended up sitting it on top of the headstone and leaving the other on one side of the hook. They look so beautiful. She would have loved the colors.
I also stated a memory book with all of the sympathy cards that were sent to our family. I am putting in between some of these cards, different photos of Mom. Some of family members with Mom, some of just Mom, and some of friends and Mom. I am also buying the condolences book that was put online from the Burlington Free Press that people wrote beautiful sentiments in about Mom. This book also includes pictures that people have included in their note; it is really a wonderful book to have. It is healing to go back and look at all the touching words that people have said.
I cannot do enough for my mother. I just have to keep doing these things to memorialize her, to make sure that everyone knows and remembers what a wonderful woman, person, mother, grandmother she was. It just helps me to move forward. To know that I am a good daughter, that her work as a mother is shining through.
Yesterday was not a good day; I did not talk to Russ much. I sat on the wooden bench swing and cried for about an hour; just thinking of the day that she passed. Sometimes things just keep replaying in your mind. And that's what my day was like. Little bits of it are slowly coming back to my memory. It is very painful to replay. It always makes me cry. People say that you go into shock when a death occurs. I guess I did.
I talk to my niece alot these days. She told me that she had a dream of Mom that was really great. I told her that I am so hoping that Mom would come to me in my dreams. She has come to several people but not to me. I want so badly to see her; for her to tell me what happened. To tell me that it was meant to be. That she is in a wonderful place with some of her family and friends that went first. I want to make sure she is ok where she is. I want to make sure that I can some day see her again and feel her arms around me and tell me how much she loves me. I am hanging onto that thought with all I have and all I am worth.
I also stated a memory book with all of the sympathy cards that were sent to our family. I am putting in between some of these cards, different photos of Mom. Some of family members with Mom, some of just Mom, and some of friends and Mom. I am also buying the condolences book that was put online from the Burlington Free Press that people wrote beautiful sentiments in about Mom. This book also includes pictures that people have included in their note; it is really a wonderful book to have. It is healing to go back and look at all the touching words that people have said.
I cannot do enough for my mother. I just have to keep doing these things to memorialize her, to make sure that everyone knows and remembers what a wonderful woman, person, mother, grandmother she was. It just helps me to move forward. To know that I am a good daughter, that her work as a mother is shining through.
Yesterday was not a good day; I did not talk to Russ much. I sat on the wooden bench swing and cried for about an hour; just thinking of the day that she passed. Sometimes things just keep replaying in your mind. And that's what my day was like. Little bits of it are slowly coming back to my memory. It is very painful to replay. It always makes me cry. People say that you go into shock when a death occurs. I guess I did.
I talk to my niece alot these days. She told me that she had a dream of Mom that was really great. I told her that I am so hoping that Mom would come to me in my dreams. She has come to several people but not to me. I want so badly to see her; for her to tell me what happened. To tell me that it was meant to be. That she is in a wonderful place with some of her family and friends that went first. I want to make sure she is ok where she is. I want to make sure that I can some day see her again and feel her arms around me and tell me how much she loves me. I am hanging onto that thought with all I have and all I am worth.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Missing Mom
Tuesday, August 31, was my first day back at work. It was VERY difficult. So many people being so kind and so loving, but I could not stop crying when they would give their condolences. I could not focus on work, I could not focus on what I should be doing, what direction I should be walking in. I found that I was staring in space more than anything else.
GOD I MISS MY MOTHER.
I don't want to go back to work. The only work that I want to do is to take care of my father with my brothers and sisters.
I can't stand that time is moving on because it means that I am getting that much further away from her. It is difficult for me to realize that I can not physically see my mother any more. It is hard for me to fathom that I will never see her again on this earth. It's a bad day.
I bought two beautiful flower plants today; petunias, and I am going to hang them on a nice wrought-iron hanger at the cemetery for her. She would have said "...don't waste your money". I would say that "...it's not a waste of money". She would chuckle, I would chuckle. I miss those days. I miss her.
My heart is heavy today. My stomach hurts. My tears don't seem to have an end to them. It's one of those days that you just want to crumble to the ground.
I love my Mother. I love my Mother. I love my Mother.
I will, one of these days, start to write happy stories of my Mom. But for now, these are my thoughts, my process for grieving her.
Mom, I miss you so much, it hurts. I love you so much, it heals.
GOD I MISS MY MOTHER.
I don't want to go back to work. The only work that I want to do is to take care of my father with my brothers and sisters.
I can't stand that time is moving on because it means that I am getting that much further away from her. It is difficult for me to realize that I can not physically see my mother any more. It is hard for me to fathom that I will never see her again on this earth. It's a bad day.
I bought two beautiful flower plants today; petunias, and I am going to hang them on a nice wrought-iron hanger at the cemetery for her. She would have said "...don't waste your money". I would say that "...it's not a waste of money". She would chuckle, I would chuckle. I miss those days. I miss her.
My heart is heavy today. My stomach hurts. My tears don't seem to have an end to them. It's one of those days that you just want to crumble to the ground.
I love my Mother. I love my Mother. I love my Mother.
I will, one of these days, start to write happy stories of my Mom. But for now, these are my thoughts, my process for grieving her.
Mom, I miss you so much, it hurts. I love you so much, it heals.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Family
Family...I say that word with a much different meaning these days.
Everything has been a complete whirlwind since Mom has passed. From contacting my brothers and sisters about Mom, to meeting with the funeral home director to making sure our Father is going to be ok.
...And giving us time to really grieve.
What a tribute to our Mother, the way that we are looking after her affairs, after our father. There is no question about what our responsibility is, what we must do. We must take care of our 87-year-old Father. We must take up where she left off. We have letters to write, meals to make and schedules to fill. Mom instilled in us a sense of right and wrong, a sense of responsibility, of what we do to make a family a family. She never told us what to do, we learned by watching her generous nature of how we should take care of each other, our neighbors, and our friends.
My brothers and sisters have been amazing. We are all working together, becoming closer in our relationships with each other. We all are taking this new meaning of what a family must do as a tribute to Mom but also as a tribute to ourselves; because we are able to put her work (nurturing us as we were growing up) into action. I am proud of my brothers and sisters. I am proud to say that our Mother was our Mother...through all the good and bad...but always, always, being our rock, being the ship that weathered the storm and keep us dry.
We are the luckiest family in the world..
Everything has been a complete whirlwind since Mom has passed. From contacting my brothers and sisters about Mom, to meeting with the funeral home director to making sure our Father is going to be ok.
...And giving us time to really grieve.
What a tribute to our Mother, the way that we are looking after her affairs, after our father. There is no question about what our responsibility is, what we must do. We must take care of our 87-year-old Father. We must take up where she left off. We have letters to write, meals to make and schedules to fill. Mom instilled in us a sense of right and wrong, a sense of responsibility, of what we do to make a family a family. She never told us what to do, we learned by watching her generous nature of how we should take care of each other, our neighbors, and our friends.
My brothers and sisters have been amazing. We are all working together, becoming closer in our relationships with each other. We all are taking this new meaning of what a family must do as a tribute to Mom but also as a tribute to ourselves; because we are able to put her work (nurturing us as we were growing up) into action. I am proud of my brothers and sisters. I am proud to say that our Mother was our Mother...through all the good and bad...but always, always, being our rock, being the ship that weathered the storm and keep us dry.
We are the luckiest family in the world..
Friday, August 27, 2010
LIVE STRONG
Today I was mowing the lawn, and thought about Mom the whole time. Mom used to always offer to mow my lawn when I was away or working. She would drive her John Deere lawn tractor over to my house just to help out and be a great Mom. The last time she mowed my lawn was with Bonnie when Russ, Patience and I were on vacation in New Orleans. The two of them each on a tractor mowing my meadow. Bonnie had told Mom that she was going to mow my lawn, and Mom said "ok, I'll help" and off she came on her tractor. She loved to mow the lawn. She loved to work outside in her garden. She would often do things outside so she could avoid the inside work. She just loved the whole earth-connection thing.
I also remember when we first starting mowing some of the meadow that is at the beginning of our driveway. It was soon after we built our house in 2002. She came over with her JD tractor and just went straight into the high grass, she had no fear of rocks or outcroppings, she would go slow enough that if she hit something it wouldn't hurt anything. I was always so afraid that she would bend the blade or that a rock would go flying, but she was always so fearless. I loved that about her.
Sometimes when I feel afraid or unsure of myself, I try to think of how Mom would handle it and it actually helps to calm me down.
Mom always wore a yellow LIVESTRONG rubber bracelet; she believed it. When she passed, I put that bracelet on my wrist. I look at it often. I wear it because it makes me feel that I am touching the bracelet that she touched. Another connection. But I also know that this was her motto. And I am trying to use her belief to help me live strong.
I also remember when we first starting mowing some of the meadow that is at the beginning of our driveway. It was soon after we built our house in 2002. She came over with her JD tractor and just went straight into the high grass, she had no fear of rocks or outcroppings, she would go slow enough that if she hit something it wouldn't hurt anything. I was always so afraid that she would bend the blade or that a rock would go flying, but she was always so fearless. I loved that about her.
Sometimes when I feel afraid or unsure of myself, I try to think of how Mom would handle it and it actually helps to calm me down.
Mom always wore a yellow LIVESTRONG rubber bracelet; she believed it. When she passed, I put that bracelet on my wrist. I look at it often. I wear it because it makes me feel that I am touching the bracelet that she touched. Another connection. But I also know that this was her motto. And I am trying to use her belief to help me live strong.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Red Lipstick
I Left Vermont for a few days for different scenery, different distractions. And it worked somewhat, seeing wonderful people that we haven't seen in months, catching up on what everyone is up to, talking kids and gardens and weather. But I still can't go too long into a conversation about Mom without feeling the tears well up and the stomach pain. I have to stop.
I am ready to go home. To go back to where I left off, back to the place where I feel that I have more of a connection to her. Touch her purse, or sweater, kiss her picture. God how I miss her...
It has been 4 weeks. 4 absolutely pain-filled, heart-wretching weeks.
I also go back to work on Tuesday. Not really looking forward to that; not that the people aren't wonderful because they are, and they have been so good to me. It just is hard to know that I have to face people. That is so tough, cause people want to give you their condolences, want to tell you how wonderful a person she is, but all I can do is break down when they say something to me knowing just how much we have lost. I do appreciate the sentiments for sure but I just am so fragile right now.
I love my Mother more than words could ever express. She is such a driving force in my life, my development. And I am proud to say, I am my Mother.
Anyone that knows me knows that I love to wear lipstick and not just a shiny pink gloss but a real bright red shade; like Cliniques' Vintage Wine or Angel Red. And I totally remember how that came about. And it was not some fashion magazine but from when I was a little girl watching my Mom putting on her red lipstick and always thinking how beautiful she was. And I would say that when I grow up, I am going to wear lipstick just like my Mom. And I do...
I am ready to go home. I need to be around her house, her garden. I need to recharge my soul by filling it with what she saw, where she walked. I need to put on my red lipstick.
I am ready to go home. To go back to where I left off, back to the place where I feel that I have more of a connection to her. Touch her purse, or sweater, kiss her picture. God how I miss her...
It has been 4 weeks. 4 absolutely pain-filled, heart-wretching weeks.
I also go back to work on Tuesday. Not really looking forward to that; not that the people aren't wonderful because they are, and they have been so good to me. It just is hard to know that I have to face people. That is so tough, cause people want to give you their condolences, want to tell you how wonderful a person she is, but all I can do is break down when they say something to me knowing just how much we have lost. I do appreciate the sentiments for sure but I just am so fragile right now.
I love my Mother more than words could ever express. She is such a driving force in my life, my development. And I am proud to say, I am my Mother.
Anyone that knows me knows that I love to wear lipstick and not just a shiny pink gloss but a real bright red shade; like Cliniques' Vintage Wine or Angel Red. And I totally remember how that came about. And it was not some fashion magazine but from when I was a little girl watching my Mom putting on her red lipstick and always thinking how beautiful she was. And I would say that when I grow up, I am going to wear lipstick just like my Mom. And I do...
I am ready to go home. I need to be around her house, her garden. I need to recharge my soul by filling it with what she saw, where she walked. I need to put on my red lipstick.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Away
Russ and I have gone away for a few days. We will be having lunch today with some dear friends that we have known for over 25 years. Then I will be taking a walk with the "her" of the group, Janet, to talk and cry. This will be very theraputic for me. I will be back soon.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Some Signs
The day after the funeral I was at the cemetery by myself to try to...I don't know what, cry, talk...I don't know. And I was thinking that I could hopefully get some type of sign of Mom. Any type of sign.
A Sign:
I remember when a really important person in my life had passed away about 10 years ago. She was a great mentor to me, a person who always made me feel so special. And I loved her very much.
One year, Russ, Patience, my Mom, my niece Erin, and I had taken a trip to California for a visit but to also see this wonderful person, Vicki. When we got there, we had found out that Vicki had just gone into the hospital and was very ill. We went to see her, but Mom was the only one allowed in Vicki's hospital room. Unfortunately, Vicki was so ill that it was her wish to go home to die.
We returned from California about a week later, And the first night back in my home, I had the most amazing dream of Vicki. It was short but beautiful and memorable; I still remember it quite vividly. Vicki had the most beautiful long grey hair which was always pinned up with lovely cameo hair clips or barretts. Well in my dream, Vicki was standing looking right at me and said "I am fine Debbie, don't worry about me", and I remember her hair was down and slightly being blown back. So the next morning I called Mom to say that I had this most amazing dream of Vicki that night, and that Vicki had told me that she was fine and that she looked so happy and peaceful to me. That is when my Mom told me that she had found out earlier that morning that Vicki had passed away the previous night. It was then that I realized that this didn't seem to be just any dream but something different, a message, a sign. I am not sure. But I am sure that it was meant to calm me, reassure me. And I have held on to that belief ever since.
So I was at the cemetery and I said to Mom, "Please Mom, I need a sign, and not just any sign, something significant, not just a bird or a butterfly, but it's gotta be big". About 5 minutes had passed, and I had begun to cry again as I looked at all the beautiful flowers that were on her grave, when I heard a car go by. I looked up and saw a 4-door white Ford Focus drive by the cemetery. You see, Mom's car is a 4-door, white Ford Focus. Maybe some would say it is a coincidence but you have to remember that this cemetery is in a rural area of our home town. So the odds of the exact same car, to go by that particular cemetery, is kinda remote. "That was a good one Mom, a REAL good one", was all I could say. And I kinda chuckled as I said it. I will hang onto this sign just like I hang onto the one that I got from Vicki.
I do hope that Mom and Vicki have found each other. And I do hope that Mom will continue to give me signs. We should all be open to the possibilities.
I love you Mom, you never did anything in a small way, that Ford Focus sign was one of the best I could have asked for.
A Sign:
I remember when a really important person in my life had passed away about 10 years ago. She was a great mentor to me, a person who always made me feel so special. And I loved her very much.
One year, Russ, Patience, my Mom, my niece Erin, and I had taken a trip to California for a visit but to also see this wonderful person, Vicki. When we got there, we had found out that Vicki had just gone into the hospital and was very ill. We went to see her, but Mom was the only one allowed in Vicki's hospital room. Unfortunately, Vicki was so ill that it was her wish to go home to die.
We returned from California about a week later, And the first night back in my home, I had the most amazing dream of Vicki. It was short but beautiful and memorable; I still remember it quite vividly. Vicki had the most beautiful long grey hair which was always pinned up with lovely cameo hair clips or barretts. Well in my dream, Vicki was standing looking right at me and said "I am fine Debbie, don't worry about me", and I remember her hair was down and slightly being blown back. So the next morning I called Mom to say that I had this most amazing dream of Vicki that night, and that Vicki had told me that she was fine and that she looked so happy and peaceful to me. That is when my Mom told me that she had found out earlier that morning that Vicki had passed away the previous night. It was then that I realized that this didn't seem to be just any dream but something different, a message, a sign. I am not sure. But I am sure that it was meant to calm me, reassure me. And I have held on to that belief ever since.
So I was at the cemetery and I said to Mom, "Please Mom, I need a sign, and not just any sign, something significant, not just a bird or a butterfly, but it's gotta be big". About 5 minutes had passed, and I had begun to cry again as I looked at all the beautiful flowers that were on her grave, when I heard a car go by. I looked up and saw a 4-door white Ford Focus drive by the cemetery. You see, Mom's car is a 4-door, white Ford Focus. Maybe some would say it is a coincidence but you have to remember that this cemetery is in a rural area of our home town. So the odds of the exact same car, to go by that particular cemetery, is kinda remote. "That was a good one Mom, a REAL good one", was all I could say. And I kinda chuckled as I said it. I will hang onto this sign just like I hang onto the one that I got from Vicki.
I do hope that Mom and Vicki have found each other. And I do hope that Mom will continue to give me signs. We should all be open to the possibilities.
I love you Mom, you never did anything in a small way, that Ford Focus sign was one of the best I could have asked for.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tough Days
Yesterday and today were tough days. It is so hard to realize that my Mother is really gone. Today I was thinking about something and said "I gotta call Mom" and then realize what has happened but for that one split second all is ok. And then it is not.
I saw my sister yesterday and she has been having a couple of tough days which makes me very sad. And I try to comfort her and tell her that grief is a process and let the grief come in and let it go out. What do I know, I have never grieved before. I also tell her to cry often. I take that advice myself because I cry alot too. I cry when people tell me how sorry they are, I cry when they hug me, I cry when I try to speak to them, I cry when I am at Mom's grave, I cry when I am at Mom and Dad's house, I cry when I walk in her garden...
Mom's Garden
I remember when Mom was working in her garden this spring and how it just flourished this year. She was so proud of the garden, it was doing so well. I called her a regular Martha Stewart. She had planted new flowers and transplanted others. It looks so beautiful. I like to walk through her garden and tell her how incredible it is.
Mom and Dad always had a huge garden. It was one that every year they would have to till the earth, and then spend a great amount of time weeding. As Dad got older and it was more difficult for him to til, Mom took over the job. Several years ago, Russ and I decided to help her out by making raised beds so she didn't have to til the garden and to minimize the weeding. We placed the beds in a sun-with-rays shape, you know the kind, the ones that we all made as a kid, with a circle in the middle and straight lines pointing out in various lengths. The circle was in the middle but it only had 5 points out (interestingly enough there are 5 kids, that was not intended but that is just how it worked out). It was perfect for Mom. She loved it. It was easy to tend, no tilling, no weeding. In between each bed point she had laid down mulch to ease the picking of vegetables but everywhere else she had planted flowers. The whole garden has begun to fill in and it is a visual delight to look at. She loved working in that garden. She loved being outside, she loved...
Tonight, I went down to the cemetery to water a plant that I had left on her grave. At first it was ok to be there...no crying, just looking and thinking. Then it hits me, and I begin crying. Mom was our sun, the center of our world, we were her points outward, she was the one who always tended to us, always loved to nurture us, spoil us, love us. We know how much we were loved, are loved. There is no doubt in any of our minds. And there is no doubt in any of our minds how much we love her, will always love her.
I saw my sister yesterday and she has been having a couple of tough days which makes me very sad. And I try to comfort her and tell her that grief is a process and let the grief come in and let it go out. What do I know, I have never grieved before. I also tell her to cry often. I take that advice myself because I cry alot too. I cry when people tell me how sorry they are, I cry when they hug me, I cry when I try to speak to them, I cry when I am at Mom's grave, I cry when I am at Mom and Dad's house, I cry when I walk in her garden...
Mom's Garden
I remember when Mom was working in her garden this spring and how it just flourished this year. She was so proud of the garden, it was doing so well. I called her a regular Martha Stewart. She had planted new flowers and transplanted others. It looks so beautiful. I like to walk through her garden and tell her how incredible it is.
Mom and Dad always had a huge garden. It was one that every year they would have to till the earth, and then spend a great amount of time weeding. As Dad got older and it was more difficult for him to til, Mom took over the job. Several years ago, Russ and I decided to help her out by making raised beds so she didn't have to til the garden and to minimize the weeding. We placed the beds in a sun-with-rays shape, you know the kind, the ones that we all made as a kid, with a circle in the middle and straight lines pointing out in various lengths. The circle was in the middle but it only had 5 points out (interestingly enough there are 5 kids, that was not intended but that is just how it worked out). It was perfect for Mom. She loved it. It was easy to tend, no tilling, no weeding. In between each bed point she had laid down mulch to ease the picking of vegetables but everywhere else she had planted flowers. The whole garden has begun to fill in and it is a visual delight to look at. She loved working in that garden. She loved being outside, she loved...
Tonight, I went down to the cemetery to water a plant that I had left on her grave. At first it was ok to be there...no crying, just looking and thinking. Then it hits me, and I begin crying. Mom was our sun, the center of our world, we were her points outward, she was the one who always tended to us, always loved to nurture us, spoil us, love us. We know how much we were loved, are loved. There is no doubt in any of our minds. And there is no doubt in any of our minds how much we love her, will always love her.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Couldn't Have Imagined
I can't believe that I am starting a blog, especially one about remembering my Mom. But that is something that I thought I would like to do to help me through this journey. I guess I will start with the eulogy that I read at Mom's funeral, and I think that this is a great place for it because I want others to hear how great a woman she was/is.
And I knew that the church would be filled so I started out this way:
But that's the type of woman our Mother was - self-less, compassionate, caring, thinking of others before herself - always. Never complaining, never stopping long enough to "think about" complaining. And she was so worried about putting the burden on us kids. She's say "you kids are so busy - I'll do what I can."
We are truly blessed having you as our Mom. We love you forever.
And I knew that the church would be filled so I started out this way:
Our Mother would have been so happy to see so many of her family and friends here for her today. She obviously cut a wide swath and touched many, many lives.
Mom was born and raised in East Middlebury on August 10, 1934, although according to Mom that was up for debate. Her birth certificate states that she was born on August 8, but as a child it was always celebrated on the 10th so she believed it to be the 10th. She never really thought all that much about it and never thought to change the pattern.
Mom and Dad married in 1952 in Brandon at the Methodist Church with her sister, Barb, brother-in-law, Bob Piper, her mom, Beatrice and father, Shirley Ovitt attending. They bought their home on Pidgeon Road in the early 1950s and raised five children there: Earl, Jr., Laura, Norma, Jim, and me. It was a small home for seven people, and I believe that that was where our tight family bond and our values were formed. The house was full of noise, busy-ness, and activity but it had much love for the kids and later grandkids, and great-grandkids.
There are 12 grandchildren; Brian, Amanda, Erin, Earl III, JR, Heath, Marcel, Lance, Jennifer, Jamie, Heather, and Patience. 16 great grandchildren; Lucas, Kailey, Kara, Little Larry, Madison, Heath, Grace, Jackson, Bode, Owen, Autumn, Haidyn, Mason, Jayla, AAliyah and JJ.
Her family sustained her - it gave her immense pride when she talked about her kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids.
She loved family gatherings, birthdays, weddings, holidays. Always the first to say "what can I bring". She gave generously to the people around her with her time, friendship and love.
However, there were also kids that "adopted" mom as their mom or grandmother because of her incredible ability to touch peoples' hearts, make them feel loved, protected, and listened to. It was never out of the ordinary to see different faces at the kitchen table talking to Mom, as a matter of fact, it was unusual "not" to see one there.
Mom worked for numerous people in her life in a job she really enjoyed. Two particular families she enjoyed working for were Patti and Pete Brakeley, and Vicki and Georgie Sappio. She was more like a good family friend then anything else. They would often say "come on Kathy, let's have a soda or a cup of tea" and they'd sit - , and then she would light up a cigarette.
One story I found out about, about 10 years ago which was a gesture that summed up our Mother to a "T". Mom and I were at a memorial service for Vicki Sappio. We were sitting with Vicki's daughter, Debbie Suplee and they were talking about "back-in-the-day." Debbie turned to Mom and said "Kathy, do you remember the Thanksgiving my mom burnt the turkey", and my Mom said yeah. Debbie went on to say that our Mother brought over our Thanksgiving turkey to replace the burnt one. But knowing Mom, she probably was making two and had three in the freezer just waiting for some family function or emergency.
But that's the type of woman our Mother was - self-less, compassionate, caring, thinking of others before herself - always. Never complaining, never stopping long enough to "think about" complaining. And she was so worried about putting the burden on us kids. She's say "you kids are so busy - I'll do what I can."
One day a couple of months ago, I was out for a bike ride and thought that I would stop by to see Mom and Dad. As I was getting closer to the house, I saw Mom outside with a shovel and mounds of dirt on the lawn. I could not believe my eyes. She was digging up the kitchen sink drain-line because it was moving too slowly. She had dug one foot down, 1 foot across, and 10 feet of the 20 foot line. Here she is, 75 years old. I asked her why she didn't call one of us - she said "I can do it - I just go slow."
She never, ever wanted to depend on her kids, but truth be told, we depended on her. Her stability, her strength, her fiery independence, her humor, her common sense. We would all call her with a question or problem - Jr and Marcel about some gardening question, Amanda about the family's next get together, or Patience asking Gram to let the dog out during a time we were away.
Her love for animals equaled her love of family. Mom would donate food, money, and supplies to animals in need. One time, a young hawk was walking down our road but it could not fly, so Mom had us catch it. And for the next 2 weeks with lots of her love, and plenty of raw hamburger, the bird healed. We took him outside and let him fly away. That hawk would often come back and circle the house, and Mom would be so happy to see that bird.
Mom epitomized community, charity, love, selflessness - she lived it - she touched many, many lives.
Mom we love you, and miss you terribly. We will keep your lessons and values close, and your love closer in our hearts forever. You must be in heaven, looking down on us and smiling.
Rest peacefully now Mom; you worked hard, you played hard, and you did an incredible job with us kids.
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