Hanging On

Yesterday I brought down to the cemetery two of the beautiful petunia plants that I had repotted for Mom.  One is pink with magenta lines throughout it; and the other is magenta.  I put up the wrought iron plant hanger and put it behind the headstone and put one of the plants on it and let it cascade over the front of the headstone a little bit. Perfect, it was.  The other one, I wanted to put up on the other hook that would cascade to the side of the headstone. Of course, the best layed plans... Well, when I put the other plant on the other hook, the whole planter started to lean over and would have fallen if I hadn't caught it.  I could just see Mom give me a look, laugh, and roll her eyes.  I ended up sitting it on top of the headstone and leaving the other on one side of the hook.  They look so beautiful.  She would have loved the colors. 

I also stated a memory book with all of the sympathy cards that were sent to our family.  I am putting in between some of these cards, different photos of Mom.  Some of family members with Mom, some of just Mom, and some of friends and Mom.  I am also buying the condolences book that was put online from the Burlington Free Press that people wrote beautiful sentiments in about Mom.  This book also includes pictures that people have included in their note; it is really a wonderful book to have.  It is healing to go back and look at all the touching words that people have said.

I cannot do enough for my mother.  I just have to keep doing these things to memorialize her, to make sure that everyone knows and remembers what a wonderful woman, person, mother, grandmother she was.  It just helps me to move forward.  To know that I am a good daughter, that her work as a mother is shining through.

Yesterday was not a good day; I did not talk to Russ much. I sat on the wooden bench swing and cried for about an hour; just thinking of the day that she passed.  Sometimes things just keep replaying in your mind.  And that's what my day was like. Little bits of it are slowly coming back to my memory.  It is very painful to replay.  It always makes me cry.  People say that you go into shock when a death occurs.  I guess I did. 

I talk to my niece alot these days. She told me that she had a dream of Mom that was really great.  I told her that I am so hoping that Mom would come to me in my dreams.  She has come to several people but not to me.  I want so badly to see her; for her to tell me what happened. To tell me that it was meant to be.  That she is in a wonderful place with some of her family and friends that went first.  I want to make sure she is ok where she is.  I want to make sure that I can some day see her again and feel her arms around me and tell me how much she loves me.  I am hanging onto that thought with all I have and all I am worth.