I am not sure how to start this post but I do know that I want to write and need to write, about my mom.
It is close to Christmas; a few weeks away. THIS is my mother's favorite time of the year. She loved Christmas, lived to make the holiday a little brighter for all her family.
Mom would start her holidays with her famous baking immediately after Thanksgiving. She would make fudge, rice crispie treats, coconut balls, peanut butter balls, almond crescents, chocolate clusters, peanut brittle, sand tarts, gingerbread people, rosettes, spritzes, molasses cookies, date balls, no bake cookies, magic cookie bars and chocolate raisin clusters. She would make tins-full of these treats; the large popcorn tins she will fill with rice crispie treats (her favorite), gingerbread people (for the grandkids to decorate), molasses cookies or Joe Froggers (for Russ and Jim), coconut balls (my favorite and one of hers too) and peanut butter balls (Patience and Erin's favorites). All the rest she would fill in smaller tins but each were replenished usually more than once.
Mom would make plates of her treats and take them wherever she knew a crowd would be. She was always letting me fill up a plate to take to work. All were grateful for these delicious treats and couldn't believe what she would make. But she really loved doing this. She would send a package to each of the Hurlburt grandchildren in Michigan and to Jim and Lisa. She sent a package to Lance when he was in Afghanistan. She always wanted her grandkids to know how much they meant to her.
Last year I made some of mom's favorites and sent them to all of the family, here and away. And I am amazed at the amount of time that this takes. It really was a labor of love to her. This year Amanda, Patience and I are going to get together to make some of her batches of goodies in her honor. I hope that we can laugh much and bring all the love that she had right back to all of us.
Another thing that Mom did around Thanksgiving, maybe a little before Thanksgiving, was to put up her Christmas decorations. She loved having her lights up! She had 2 reindeer, a sleigh and a Santa Claus that lit up. She would put it on a timer so it would come on just at dusk and went out about the time that she went to bed; 10ish. She would put a string of white lights on her Ficus tree because having a Christmas tree was just too much for her to do and because most of the kids and grandkids would come over for lunch and not to open the tree, so it was easier for her. But she still put around some of her Anna-Lee dolls and always had a scented holiday candle burning on the kitchen table at night. She LOVED Christmas.
For mom, Christmas represented her family; a time when she knew that she could shower her family with gifts and treats and know that she would be seeing most of them soon. She loved having her family around. She was so much fun to have around too. Always hanging out with the family and listening to the stories that we would say. She never failed to make sure she was available for anything that the family wanted to do. She always wanted to be a part of the festivities. I miss having her at our family get-togethers.
She always had her car radio tuned to the country station EXCEPT from Thanksgiving to Christmas when she had it tuned to 92.9 which would play holiday songs. I remember telling her many years ago when I first moved up here about this station. She asked me to tune it on her radio so she could find it. She loved it. She would sing the songs and bob her head. She was so very happy this time of year. I miss seeing that happy face.
I would visit her in the days of December to see her making all kinds of packages to send out for her family. And she was always asking me what does Patience want for Christmas, what do you and Russ want for Christmas? What can I get you guys? She even would remember Dakota and Ringo for the holidays with dog and cat treats.
You see for mom, it had everything to do with the sheer joy of giving. No matter what, she made other people her priority. She wanted to make them happy. When I would ask her what I could get her for Christmas, she would always say nothing. She just wanted her family around her. She just wanted to enjoy the love that this season brought to her.
I remember as a little girl, money was extremely tight in our household; 5 children in 6 years, so you know that not only was there alot of mouths to feed but there was also the worry about making sure us kids had something for Christmas. I remember too, sometimes my parents would take out loans to make sure we had something for Christmas. My dad worked at Brown's Novelty and he always got a bonus for Christmas and was given toys from his job for us kids. I remember dad would come home with a bunch of toys and he and Mom would determine who would get what. Several years there was this crow- shooting toy that I wanted so badly and I eventually got it one of those years.
I also remember watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer every year. It was a ritual that I loved so much. Mom would make sure that we had the TV turned to that channel so we could watch it and she would make a batch of popcorn for us to sit and enjoy it while watching. It was such a wonderful time.
I remember going to Kings and Grants department stores, one was in Rutland and one was in Winooski and it reminds me now of A Christmas Story. We were just kinda let go to wander around the stores while Mom and Dad shopped. Couldn't do that today! But we had much fun.
And the nights before Christmas, us kids were so anxious to have our presents. And Mom and Dad know that too and we were allowed to open one gift the night before. That would settle us down for a bit. Then on Christmas morning, we were allowed to open our stocking but then we had to wait to finish breakfast before we could open the tree. We were so excited. There was always one person that was the passer-outer, while the others opened their gifts.
Then once us kids starting having our own babies, Mom really let loose on shopping. We would fill the house with all the kids and most of the grandkids and it was packed! The fun started the night before when Mom and whoever was around, would start a brigade from the upstairs (where the presents were kept) to all the way downstairs to the tree. The gifts would be halfway up the tree and cover half of the living room! I am NOT kidding you. Gifts were everywhere. During this time, we had to have two passer-outers. And we didn't really take care in what we did with the wrapping paper, it was usually tossed aside. By the time all was said and done, the wrapping paper covered the entire floor and you couldn't see any wood at all. Such good memories. During this time, always, Mom would generally sit and watch everyone open their gifts. She just wanted to catch the look of the kids or grandkids faces when they saw what they got. She didn't really want to open hers til everyone else had and she could see what everyone got. To her, that was what Christmas was all about. It was never about her. She did so much and made everyone feel so loved. She was Christmas, and joy and peace and happiness.
Last year, I didn't decorate, I couldn't. Patience and Russ did the work for me. This year is a little brighter and I am looking forward to putting up the tree. But I have to tell you that it is a very hard thing to do to get to this point.
I can't put the car radio on the Christmas channel yet, I smile if I hear a Christmas song then immediately feel the hurt and the loss. I want to watch all the holiday movies that I watched as a kid and then watched with Patience when she was a little girl, but it is still painful. I want to feel the joy that I did when I was a kid and up to just two years ago. I will get there, I know I will. But it is a very slow process and not at all for the faint at heart. It is very difficult to lose someone that you are so close to and who had such a profound impact on you.
I am healing, I can tell because I am able to think about putting up a tree. Last year, I never thought I would get to this point. But I do see light in all the darkness finally. I just can't express enough how tough this is and how important it is to have your family and friends around to give you the strength to get through this hurt.
My mother never leaves my mind nor does she ever leave my heart. I cry still at the drop of a hat. The pain is just below the surface still. Last week, I ran into a person that my mother used to work for and I did not recognize her. But when she told me who she was, she and I hugged and she said this is for Kathy and I completely lost it. And it has been nearly a year and a half.
Mom was such a great mother to me and I know that I would not be where I am today; strong-minded, self-sufficient, independent and confident, and a person that knows compassion. I am her and she is me. I am proud of her and I am proud of me.
I love you mom with all that am and all that I have become. Your love gives me the strength to move on.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Still Lost
My blogging has been silent for several months. However, I decided that I still need to talk about my mother, continue to give her props for all that she was, tell her that I don't go one day without feeling that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach from missing her so much, continue to look at the calendar and divide the dates of mom here with us and mom not here (I don't know if anyone else does that but I do).
I do know that my mother would be so pissed off at me for the slowness in healing from this loss, and she would tell me that I better get moving with myself or she was going to kick me in the ass to get me moving.
But this is all for now; short, to the point, and with the knowledge that more is to come to help me heal my soul. More to come to tell about my wonderful, loving, beautiful, compassionate, funny, giving, generous, strong, creative, forgiving mother.
Coming soon...
I do know that my mother would be so pissed off at me for the slowness in healing from this loss, and she would tell me that I better get moving with myself or she was going to kick me in the ass to get me moving.
But this is all for now; short, to the point, and with the knowledge that more is to come to help me heal my soul. More to come to tell about my wonderful, loving, beautiful, compassionate, funny, giving, generous, strong, creative, forgiving mother.
Coming soon...
Monday, July 25, 2011
One Year Later
It is amazing to think that one year has gone by since the passing of my mother on July 27, 2011. So many raw emotions have been revealed, so much pain, such an incredible loss. There is much to say in this blog and I don't quite know where to begin or where this writing will take me but I know that wherever it does, it will be a road that I have often travelled on for this past year.
I could start by saying everything that I have wished for this past year but that would take too long so I will only put in the top few that have continually come into my head.
I wish that this had been a bad, very bad dream, a nightmare in fact. But I realize that it is not.
I wish that she would have come to me in my dreams more, I have only dreamt of her 3 times, 3 times in one year. I don't know what that is all about. I don't know if it is my brain not letting me go there to dream of her or if I just can't remember them, like I am shutting them out. I haven't dreamt much in the past year, in fact.
I wish that I didn't look at the calendar and mark everything by her passing, all dates are either before her death or after her death. I will see a date and I will say, "oh, Mom was here then" or "Mom was gone then". This for me is one of the most painful things to endure, the calendar. And as the one year mark comes closer, I just want the day to pass as quickly and painlessly as possible. Please be over quickly.
I wish that I knew what was after this life, to know where she is, if she is "out there", and if so where. Such comfort that would give me. I want to know that she is safe, happy with so many family members and friends that she loved so much, and that someday I WILL see her again. I am reading many books now on reincarnation and near-death experiences trying to find my own spirituality. Some bring me great comfort and actual "a-ha" moments that I find SO real and comforting, others not so much. I wish that I had that true belief system that some people have, like Russ's parents. What a comfort that must give to them. They are very blessed to have this.
And I wish that I could see her signature, or her clothes, or her anything and automatically smile. But I still stare sometimes at her signature that I have seen so often and wonder what she was thinking of that day and what was her day like. I still will hold some of her clothing to my nose when I go through her drawer to see if they still have "her smell". I still can't throw certain items out because she touched them. I still find it hard sometimes to see things that she touched because I cringe from the pain.
I wish so many things. But I also found out alot on this journey. A journey, that everyone must travel on at some point.
I found out that the Hurlburt family has incredible tenacity. We have incredible strength that has allowed us to power through and stand strong even at this very difficult time. We do not give up nor do we take the easy route. We have worked together to take really great care of our father, a man that is one year older now since our mom passed, 88, who then was dependent on our mother, is now dependent on his children.
I have found out that Mom had the strength of all of her children rolled up into one petite little woman. But, oh, what a powerhouse! I bow to her in total respect. She had the ability to make all of the work that she did for our dad seem run-of-the-mill. Meanwhile she worked, met with family and friends, kept her house and gardens, and organized everything to ease the lives of the people she loved and respected in her life. We now know the amount of work that she did and are in total awe of her tenacity. The tenacity that we have found in our DNA.
I found out that life is so precious and fleeting, that you cannot take one moment for granted nor let it go to waste. That it is really the little things that are the most important; the laughs, the holiday get- togethers, the meal preparations, the simple pleasure of just sitting and talking with family and friends. It is the time spent together, the giving of your time to your family when there is need. These are truly memory- building moments. And these memories are the ones that are so important to help get you through these difficult times in your life.
Our mother had the ability to love her children and grandchildren without question. No matter what issue (big or small) came up in family matters, and they always do, she continued to love her family unconditionally and without reservation. The depth of what she would do for her family was immeasurable. She gave and gave and then would give some more. Nothing was out of the question for her to give to her family. She would do everything in her power to make it happen.
I have found that the the place where I find the greatest comfort to be, believe it or not, is at my mom and dad's house. I find real peace there. I find that walking among her things calming. It is there that I feel the closest that I will ever get to her on this earth again. I find walking by all of her gardens calming and informative. I have learned some of her flower gardening tips by really observing. Planting some things here and not there, and what some flowers look good beside and how to put colors together.
She has truly taught me patience. When she passed, we were all so upset and worried about how we were going to get along without her and how we could ever manage taking care of dad. But because of this, we have learned real patience. How to take things slowly, let them play out before making a quick decision. Many times during this past year, our patience has been tested and because of slow, methodical reaction, we have been able to do the right thing.
She has taught me how to be more compassionate. I have found that in losing someone, the grief is so overwhelming and it is the people that come to your aid that helps get you through something like this. I now know how important it is to be there for someone who has lost someone. It is a shattering place to be if you have to do it alone and no one should go through this alone. Be there. Call them. Bring a meal. Give lots of hugs. That was the part that I found so helpful; the ability to have someone hold me and give me a little of their strength and help prop me back up.
She taught me that it is your family, that is the most important thing in this world. Everything else, just doesn't measure up. No piles of money, no new cars, new gadgets, new anything; means very little. Because in the end, it is your family and the memories that you make with your family and friends that is more important than all the money in the world. In the end, it is what will sustain you.
But there are two more wishes that I have; one is to be as strong a woman as my mother was. And the other is to be seen by my family as a rock with strong values, morals, tenacity and to be loved as much by my family as mom is loved by her family; then and even now. That love is very deep and very powerful. It speaks volumes.
It is this remarkable woman, that has given her family so much, and has asked for so little in return, that I strive to be like.
As I was in her vegetable garden a couple of days ago, I was thinking about how incredible it is that her family is stepping up to the plate and really taking care of our father. I hear this all the time; your family is wonderful, what you are doing for your father is so selfless. But then I thought, this really is a reflection of what our parents instilled in us as what is the right thing to do. It is because of what and how we lived, is why we do what we do. There was never any question of that. That would have made our mom prouder than she was already of her family.
It has been a year mom. I really can't believe it. I miss you more than you could ever know. And I have found people say that it will get better in time, it gets easier they say. But it doesn't really, you just learn to live with it.
And you have given me many things mom. Many great memories that are my lifeline to you. I am who I am because of you and Dad. I love you with all I am. And I will keep your love in my heart all my life. Thank you for being the best mother in this world.
And please visit me in my dreams, I would love to see that beautiful face!
I could start by saying everything that I have wished for this past year but that would take too long so I will only put in the top few that have continually come into my head.
I wish that this had been a bad, very bad dream, a nightmare in fact. But I realize that it is not.
I wish that she would have come to me in my dreams more, I have only dreamt of her 3 times, 3 times in one year. I don't know what that is all about. I don't know if it is my brain not letting me go there to dream of her or if I just can't remember them, like I am shutting them out. I haven't dreamt much in the past year, in fact.
I wish that I didn't look at the calendar and mark everything by her passing, all dates are either before her death or after her death. I will see a date and I will say, "oh, Mom was here then" or "Mom was gone then". This for me is one of the most painful things to endure, the calendar. And as the one year mark comes closer, I just want the day to pass as quickly and painlessly as possible. Please be over quickly.
I wish that I knew what was after this life, to know where she is, if she is "out there", and if so where. Such comfort that would give me. I want to know that she is safe, happy with so many family members and friends that she loved so much, and that someday I WILL see her again. I am reading many books now on reincarnation and near-death experiences trying to find my own spirituality. Some bring me great comfort and actual "a-ha" moments that I find SO real and comforting, others not so much. I wish that I had that true belief system that some people have, like Russ's parents. What a comfort that must give to them. They are very blessed to have this.
And I wish that I could see her signature, or her clothes, or her anything and automatically smile. But I still stare sometimes at her signature that I have seen so often and wonder what she was thinking of that day and what was her day like. I still will hold some of her clothing to my nose when I go through her drawer to see if they still have "her smell". I still can't throw certain items out because she touched them. I still find it hard sometimes to see things that she touched because I cringe from the pain.
I wish so many things. But I also found out alot on this journey. A journey, that everyone must travel on at some point.
I found out that the Hurlburt family has incredible tenacity. We have incredible strength that has allowed us to power through and stand strong even at this very difficult time. We do not give up nor do we take the easy route. We have worked together to take really great care of our father, a man that is one year older now since our mom passed, 88, who then was dependent on our mother, is now dependent on his children.
I have found out that Mom had the strength of all of her children rolled up into one petite little woman. But, oh, what a powerhouse! I bow to her in total respect. She had the ability to make all of the work that she did for our dad seem run-of-the-mill. Meanwhile she worked, met with family and friends, kept her house and gardens, and organized everything to ease the lives of the people she loved and respected in her life. We now know the amount of work that she did and are in total awe of her tenacity. The tenacity that we have found in our DNA.
I found out that life is so precious and fleeting, that you cannot take one moment for granted nor let it go to waste. That it is really the little things that are the most important; the laughs, the holiday get- togethers, the meal preparations, the simple pleasure of just sitting and talking with family and friends. It is the time spent together, the giving of your time to your family when there is need. These are truly memory- building moments. And these memories are the ones that are so important to help get you through these difficult times in your life.
Our mother had the ability to love her children and grandchildren without question. No matter what issue (big or small) came up in family matters, and they always do, she continued to love her family unconditionally and without reservation. The depth of what she would do for her family was immeasurable. She gave and gave and then would give some more. Nothing was out of the question for her to give to her family. She would do everything in her power to make it happen.
I have found that the the place where I find the greatest comfort to be, believe it or not, is at my mom and dad's house. I find real peace there. I find that walking among her things calming. It is there that I feel the closest that I will ever get to her on this earth again. I find walking by all of her gardens calming and informative. I have learned some of her flower gardening tips by really observing. Planting some things here and not there, and what some flowers look good beside and how to put colors together.
She has truly taught me patience. When she passed, we were all so upset and worried about how we were going to get along without her and how we could ever manage taking care of dad. But because of this, we have learned real patience. How to take things slowly, let them play out before making a quick decision. Many times during this past year, our patience has been tested and because of slow, methodical reaction, we have been able to do the right thing.
She has taught me how to be more compassionate. I have found that in losing someone, the grief is so overwhelming and it is the people that come to your aid that helps get you through something like this. I now know how important it is to be there for someone who has lost someone. It is a shattering place to be if you have to do it alone and no one should go through this alone. Be there. Call them. Bring a meal. Give lots of hugs. That was the part that I found so helpful; the ability to have someone hold me and give me a little of their strength and help prop me back up.
She taught me that it is your family, that is the most important thing in this world. Everything else, just doesn't measure up. No piles of money, no new cars, new gadgets, new anything; means very little. Because in the end, it is your family and the memories that you make with your family and friends that is more important than all the money in the world. In the end, it is what will sustain you.
But there are two more wishes that I have; one is to be as strong a woman as my mother was. And the other is to be seen by my family as a rock with strong values, morals, tenacity and to be loved as much by my family as mom is loved by her family; then and even now. That love is very deep and very powerful. It speaks volumes.
It is this remarkable woman, that has given her family so much, and has asked for so little in return, that I strive to be like.
As I was in her vegetable garden a couple of days ago, I was thinking about how incredible it is that her family is stepping up to the plate and really taking care of our father. I hear this all the time; your family is wonderful, what you are doing for your father is so selfless. But then I thought, this really is a reflection of what our parents instilled in us as what is the right thing to do. It is because of what and how we lived, is why we do what we do. There was never any question of that. That would have made our mom prouder than she was already of her family.
It has been a year mom. I really can't believe it. I miss you more than you could ever know. And I have found people say that it will get better in time, it gets easier they say. But it doesn't really, you just learn to live with it.
And you have given me many things mom. Many great memories that are my lifeline to you. I am who I am because of you and Dad. I love you with all I am. And I will keep your love in my heart all my life. Thank you for being the best mother in this world.
And please visit me in my dreams, I would love to see that beautiful face!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Dream
Had my first visual dream of my mother. The other one that I had was only where I heard her voice. This dream was in color and I actually touched her. It was Friday night, June 10th. I rarely dream in color. I remember her wearing her red sweater and I remember looking at her white hair with her tanned skin. She was sitting in a stuffed chair with people around her. I came out from behind the chair and turned to my left to see who was in the chair and saw Mom. And I just rushed to her and asked her if she was really here and she replied that she was. I touched her hair and her arms because I couldn't believe I was seeing her so clearly. I remember asking her if she was alright and she said she was. It did throw me for a loop the next day though, I don't know what to think about it. But it was like time stood still and that almost 11 months since she has been gone...
Sunday, May 8, 2011
For Mom on Mother's Day
Mother's Day...
You are my mother, Catherine Josephine Cormier Hurlburt (8-10). I am your daughter, Debra Ann Hurlburt (10-8). Our birth days form a circle that is infinite 8-10-10-8, they are connected.
I love that you are my mother. I am proud to say that you are my mother. I see myself in you, my mother. I love and miss you more than you can ever know, my mother. My life is richer because you are my mother.
I honor you Mom, in so many ways as this is the day to honor our mothers; the ones who do the hard work, make the difficult choices, and who always, ALWAYs, love their children no matter what.
But I miss you Mom, so much. This day, of all big days that lead up to a big event, birthday, Christmas, any family time, has been the hardest one for me. I can't seem to stop crying.
I was at your house pretty much most of the day yesterday, 7-5 taking care of Dad (he is not so good). He is very sad and lonely, and we all try our best to make him happy but since coming home from the hospital, he just seems more sad.
I was getting your house ready for springtime, weeding your flowerbeds (your flowerbed by the driveway, by the way, is so beautiful this year, I see that you added tulips last year, and they have really flourished this year, very full). Grace helped me weed and she kept putting the worms back in the dirt telling me that they are good for gardens (it's in our blood, this gardening). I filled the hummingbird feeders and not a few hours later, did one of your hummingbirds return. I told Dad that a hummingbird was back and that you loved them, and he smiled and said "yeah".
Marcel Paul and Marie were there to fix the garage roof because last fall, in one of our really bad storms, the shingles were torn off. He has been a saint Mom, fixing stuff at Gramps, coming over one night a week to make dinner for him and staying with him til he is in bed. But I know you know that! Yesterday, Paul told me that he saw a Baltimore Oriole in your big tree by the garage, and that the bird was singing to a mate across the meadow. You would have been so excited, because you used to tell me how much you loved them but never got them at your house :(
And your Rose-breasted Grosbeak is back. God, they are so beautiful. Mine is back too, I don't know if it is yours and he goes back and forth between the two houses but it is so great to have him back. And your Goldfinches are so bright yellow and the feeders are full of them. Of course, the nasty red squirrels are back and the gray squirrels hang upside down on the feeders too. But you were always so kind to them, you would say "they have to eat too", whereas I would always send Dakota out there to shoo them away. You house is flourishing with birds, so many. You would have been so happy to see them all.
My black bear is back so I had to stop feeding the birds for a while but Russ and I decided that we would bring the garbage can that we put the bird seed in, in our basement. We can feed the birds but take down the feeders at night. And how we know the bear is back, while we were in New Zealand, Chris was housesitting and told Patience that he was on the couch and heard something outside. So he looked out or turned on the porch light and saw the bear on the deck like before. I guess Chris jumped a bit cause it is a little disconcerting to be on one side of the glass french doors and a big ole black bear on the other. He ate all the bird seed in the aluminum garbage can (it was half full!!) We really miss having the birds around and it is a big emotional withdrawal when we don't have them. You got me hooked Mom.
It seems that you have sent all of your regular birds to your house, and many new ones that usually didn't come to see us. It is so nice to see, but it reminds me of all that I have lost. And everything that I miss.
Several days ago I was out in my meadow fixing my Bluebird houses because they are back and looking to nest. This one house had its roof torn off somehow so I went out to fix it. There was a stump on the ground in front of it so after I nailed the roof back on, I decided to stand on this stump (about 1 1/2 foot in diameter) to hammer down the post as it was leaning over. As I stood on the stump and hit the first blow to the post, the stump rolled totally out from under me because I didn't realize that the stump was on its round side, not on the flat end. My legs flew straight out and it was like I was totally horizontal. I had no way of catching myself as I fell, it was so quick. I landed full force on my back on this stump and my head flew back (whiplash like) but never hit anything.
This reminds me of you. I see myself in you. I remember the times, yes times, that you had fallen and you cracked a rib (each time). You would have tripped going up or down the stairs or fallen somehow and you would tell me and I would get so mad cause I was so afraid of what could happen to you. I know I was just really scared of something happening to you. I would tell you that you needed to be careful and you would always just smile at me and said "yah, I know". Now I know how you felt, it is so easy to do. I was sore for a few days but had a feeling that you were there protecting me so I didn't get hurt. Thank you. You have always been there for me. No matter what. You ARE truly the best mother that there is, hands down.
Yesterday, I mowed the front half of your lawn, across the road and the front and side of the house. The grass was getting so tall. I know that you would have wanted it done right away. I remember you would sometimes comment on lawns that aren't mowed till the grass is tall and then, when it is mowed, it looks worse than before. You'd say, "that lawn looks terrible". And I knew the ones you were talking about (our secret Mom). We would agree on that. That makes me smile a little. But it was difficult to be on your tractor, I thought of you the entire time. What you'd be doing today and how much work you would get done outside. I think I had tears in my eyes the entire time. It made me very say...
You kept your lawn and gardens so beautiful. You NEVER liked being in the house the minute the weather changed. You were always outside as often as you could to spend time mowing, or weeding or clipping or doing something. You just never stopped. You impressed me then and you impress me all the more now. I am in total awe of all that you did and all that you continue to do through your kids. You lawn ALWAYS looked so beautiful. I know that being outside was very therapeutic for you too. It was a way for you to relax. The earth and the outdoors gave you energy and happiness. I guess I am much like that too, cause you will find me always doing the outdoor work before I do the indoor work.
I am going to go over to your house tonight because I have dinner tonight with Dad and I am going to try to clean out your vegetable garden to get that ready to plant this spring. I remember last year at this time, we were both talking about getting our gardens ready and you said that yours was all cleaned out but I said that I have to do mine soon but I am so busy. The next afternoon, while I was at work, you came over and totally cleaned out my whole garden of weeds. I was flabbergasted. Here you were, 75, difficult for you to do this work and you cleaned my whole garden out. Well, I will pay you back now Mom. I am going to clean out your vegetable garden and get it ready for spring planting. You ARE the best mother there ever was. God, how I miss you.
Today, I will visit you at the cemetery to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you. I will also tell you what an impact you have left on my life, and what an incredible role model you have been to me. And to tell you that there never was a better mother in this whole world. There should have been a mold made of you. If there was, our world would have been a much better place to live.
I am also going to go down to the cemetery to put the black wrought-iron plant holder up and put the flowers that I bought for you on them. I hope that the hummingbirds find their way down there to visit with you. I know you would smile at that.
I believe that Mother's Day is made in YOUR honor...You are a truly wonderful mother. And I can't thank you enough for all that you did for me. I love you. And as Patience and I would say, to the moon and back.
You are my mother, Catherine Josephine Cormier Hurlburt (8-10). I am your daughter, Debra Ann Hurlburt (10-8). Our birth days form a circle that is infinite 8-10-10-8, they are connected.
I love that you are my mother. I am proud to say that you are my mother. I see myself in you, my mother. I love and miss you more than you can ever know, my mother. My life is richer because you are my mother.
I honor you Mom, in so many ways as this is the day to honor our mothers; the ones who do the hard work, make the difficult choices, and who always, ALWAYs, love their children no matter what.
But I miss you Mom, so much. This day, of all big days that lead up to a big event, birthday, Christmas, any family time, has been the hardest one for me. I can't seem to stop crying.
I was at your house pretty much most of the day yesterday, 7-5 taking care of Dad (he is not so good). He is very sad and lonely, and we all try our best to make him happy but since coming home from the hospital, he just seems more sad.
I was getting your house ready for springtime, weeding your flowerbeds (your flowerbed by the driveway, by the way, is so beautiful this year, I see that you added tulips last year, and they have really flourished this year, very full). Grace helped me weed and she kept putting the worms back in the dirt telling me that they are good for gardens (it's in our blood, this gardening). I filled the hummingbird feeders and not a few hours later, did one of your hummingbirds return. I told Dad that a hummingbird was back and that you loved them, and he smiled and said "yeah".
Marcel Paul and Marie were there to fix the garage roof because last fall, in one of our really bad storms, the shingles were torn off. He has been a saint Mom, fixing stuff at Gramps, coming over one night a week to make dinner for him and staying with him til he is in bed. But I know you know that! Yesterday, Paul told me that he saw a Baltimore Oriole in your big tree by the garage, and that the bird was singing to a mate across the meadow. You would have been so excited, because you used to tell me how much you loved them but never got them at your house :(
And your Rose-breasted Grosbeak is back. God, they are so beautiful. Mine is back too, I don't know if it is yours and he goes back and forth between the two houses but it is so great to have him back. And your Goldfinches are so bright yellow and the feeders are full of them. Of course, the nasty red squirrels are back and the gray squirrels hang upside down on the feeders too. But you were always so kind to them, you would say "they have to eat too", whereas I would always send Dakota out there to shoo them away. You house is flourishing with birds, so many. You would have been so happy to see them all.
My black bear is back so I had to stop feeding the birds for a while but Russ and I decided that we would bring the garbage can that we put the bird seed in, in our basement. We can feed the birds but take down the feeders at night. And how we know the bear is back, while we were in New Zealand, Chris was housesitting and told Patience that he was on the couch and heard something outside. So he looked out or turned on the porch light and saw the bear on the deck like before. I guess Chris jumped a bit cause it is a little disconcerting to be on one side of the glass french doors and a big ole black bear on the other. He ate all the bird seed in the aluminum garbage can (it was half full!!) We really miss having the birds around and it is a big emotional withdrawal when we don't have them. You got me hooked Mom.
It seems that you have sent all of your regular birds to your house, and many new ones that usually didn't come to see us. It is so nice to see, but it reminds me of all that I have lost. And everything that I miss.
Several days ago I was out in my meadow fixing my Bluebird houses because they are back and looking to nest. This one house had its roof torn off somehow so I went out to fix it. There was a stump on the ground in front of it so after I nailed the roof back on, I decided to stand on this stump (about 1 1/2 foot in diameter) to hammer down the post as it was leaning over. As I stood on the stump and hit the first blow to the post, the stump rolled totally out from under me because I didn't realize that the stump was on its round side, not on the flat end. My legs flew straight out and it was like I was totally horizontal. I had no way of catching myself as I fell, it was so quick. I landed full force on my back on this stump and my head flew back (whiplash like) but never hit anything.
This reminds me of you. I see myself in you. I remember the times, yes times, that you had fallen and you cracked a rib (each time). You would have tripped going up or down the stairs or fallen somehow and you would tell me and I would get so mad cause I was so afraid of what could happen to you. I know I was just really scared of something happening to you. I would tell you that you needed to be careful and you would always just smile at me and said "yah, I know". Now I know how you felt, it is so easy to do. I was sore for a few days but had a feeling that you were there protecting me so I didn't get hurt. Thank you. You have always been there for me. No matter what. You ARE truly the best mother that there is, hands down.
Yesterday, I mowed the front half of your lawn, across the road and the front and side of the house. The grass was getting so tall. I know that you would have wanted it done right away. I remember you would sometimes comment on lawns that aren't mowed till the grass is tall and then, when it is mowed, it looks worse than before. You'd say, "that lawn looks terrible". And I knew the ones you were talking about (our secret Mom). We would agree on that. That makes me smile a little. But it was difficult to be on your tractor, I thought of you the entire time. What you'd be doing today and how much work you would get done outside. I think I had tears in my eyes the entire time. It made me very say...
You kept your lawn and gardens so beautiful. You NEVER liked being in the house the minute the weather changed. You were always outside as often as you could to spend time mowing, or weeding or clipping or doing something. You just never stopped. You impressed me then and you impress me all the more now. I am in total awe of all that you did and all that you continue to do through your kids. You lawn ALWAYS looked so beautiful. I know that being outside was very therapeutic for you too. It was a way for you to relax. The earth and the outdoors gave you energy and happiness. I guess I am much like that too, cause you will find me always doing the outdoor work before I do the indoor work.
I am going to go over to your house tonight because I have dinner tonight with Dad and I am going to try to clean out your vegetable garden to get that ready to plant this spring. I remember last year at this time, we were both talking about getting our gardens ready and you said that yours was all cleaned out but I said that I have to do mine soon but I am so busy. The next afternoon, while I was at work, you came over and totally cleaned out my whole garden of weeds. I was flabbergasted. Here you were, 75, difficult for you to do this work and you cleaned my whole garden out. Well, I will pay you back now Mom. I am going to clean out your vegetable garden and get it ready for spring planting. You ARE the best mother there ever was. God, how I miss you.
Today, I will visit you at the cemetery to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you. I will also tell you what an impact you have left on my life, and what an incredible role model you have been to me. And to tell you that there never was a better mother in this whole world. There should have been a mold made of you. If there was, our world would have been a much better place to live.
I am also going to go down to the cemetery to put the black wrought-iron plant holder up and put the flowers that I bought for you on them. I hope that the hummingbirds find their way down there to visit with you. I know you would smile at that.
I believe that Mother's Day is made in YOUR honor...You are a truly wonderful mother. And I can't thank you enough for all that you did for me. I love you. And as Patience and I would say, to the moon and back.
Friday, March 18, 2011
It's The Little Things
I have your knife. I brought it home with me. I hold it tightly in my hand when I use it. And I remember you all the time when I do. This knife reminds me of you; it has memories of you.
It is the little things.
I remember going over to your house sometimes and you would be having a snack or finishing up dinner and you would use "your knife". I remember how you held it. I remember how you would use it to spread butter on your crackers. I remember how you would scoop out your favorite peanut butter with it for your toast and then add your favorite jelly; raspberry. I remember that. I need that knife. I took it. I use it. I hold it the same way you did. I love that knife. I love the memories that it holds for me.
It is the little things.
I have a pair of your socks. I found them on your bureau. It took them with me. I wear them now on my feet hoping that they will touch the same place that your feet touched in them. I hold them very dear to me.
It is the little things.
I love to walk through your house like you did, always on a mission. Walking with a purpose of getting somewhere. The heavy thump of your footsteps (even though you were a little thing) still resonate in my head. I close my eyes sometimes, listening, trying to hit just the right section on the floor to make that hollow sound it made for you. I love hearing that sound.
It is the little things.
I love talking to Keira the way you would and knowing that she was your buddy, your dog. I love giving her a cookie when she comes in like a good dog and using my low voice, like you did when she won't come it. I love giving Keira all the love that you would as you loved your dog unconditionally. Even though we would think Keira was a pain in the ass sometimes, I know see what you saw in those big black eyes. You loved each other totally.
It is the little things.
I love remembering how devoted you were to your family, how you gave and gave and gave and never thought twice about it. How you were your happiest when you were giving something to someone. I love that you thought nothing of giving to others before you EVER thought of giving to yourself. I love telling people what a remarkable woman you are; what an inspiration you have been on your family and what a legacy you have left for us.
It is a big thing.
I remember your selflessness; your total and utter ability to completely amaze me and make me aspire to try to live my life as generous as you did. You gave to every person, animal, gathering, anything and just did it because it is the caring thing to do . I remember how you ALWAYS kept in contact with people. You were so great about that. You would write letters to your cousin or long-distance friends or family members. You knew how important it was to keep in touch with people and how to make them feel so special by you making the effort to stay in contact with them. You felt people. You have great empathy and compassion; a loving, loving woman.
It is a big thing.
You also had tremendous courage. You were/are the strongest, person that I have ever known. Honestly. You did not have the easiest of life but you made it look easy. You would never let it get you down. You always rose above and kept going. You are a fighter, a true Hurlburt. You had the guts, grit and determination to move things no matter what. You are an incredible role model and your persona lives on in each of your children. THAT Catherine, is one of the best things that you could have given to us. We love your determination, sometimes that stubborn Hurlburt-ness. We all have it, it is whether we admit it or not. But we always know that we can get to where we need to go because we have a great template to follow.
It is a big thing.
I miss our days together, going over to your house nearly every day to see what you were up to. What you were working on. I miss just sitting there and watching tv with you. Or talking about what the latest news on someone was. I miss making you laugh or seeing you smile. I miss just watching you from the corner of my eye to just look at you.
It is the little things that make big things.
I remember when I was a young girl, maybe around 10 or 11ish. I remember that I always gave you and Dad a kiss goodnight. I remember kissing you on the cheek and you would lean toward me, kinda pucker up and make the sound that people make when you call a cat. I remember that so well. But later, I remember that I was starting to feel like I was getting older and that I probably shouldn't be giving you kisses every night on your cheek. And I remember this terrible internal struggle that I was having one night on whether I should kiss you or not. I probably sat there for about a half an hour while you sat in your chair watching tv. I would look at you and I was thinking about whether I could muster up the courage to give you a kiss. I was so afraid that I was being childish. I finally got up and rushed to a side of the chair before I could change my mind and gave you a kiss on the cheek and you leaned in toward me, did your cat sound and then I rushed upstairs. I felt so relieved that I gave you that kiss. It gave me comfort that night.
It is the little things that make big things.
I wish that I could kiss that soft, pink cheek of yours again. I wouldn't hesitate like I did when I was a child. I know now how much you gave to us when we were children and I know how much you loved us then and now. Although I never doubted it, I just keep getting reminded of it. And I love you so very much. It is the little things, and the little things that make the big things. XXXX.
It is the little things.
I remember going over to your house sometimes and you would be having a snack or finishing up dinner and you would use "your knife". I remember how you held it. I remember how you would use it to spread butter on your crackers. I remember how you would scoop out your favorite peanut butter with it for your toast and then add your favorite jelly; raspberry. I remember that. I need that knife. I took it. I use it. I hold it the same way you did. I love that knife. I love the memories that it holds for me.
It is the little things.
I have a pair of your socks. I found them on your bureau. It took them with me. I wear them now on my feet hoping that they will touch the same place that your feet touched in them. I hold them very dear to me.
It is the little things.
I love to walk through your house like you did, always on a mission. Walking with a purpose of getting somewhere. The heavy thump of your footsteps (even though you were a little thing) still resonate in my head. I close my eyes sometimes, listening, trying to hit just the right section on the floor to make that hollow sound it made for you. I love hearing that sound.
It is the little things.
I love talking to Keira the way you would and knowing that she was your buddy, your dog. I love giving her a cookie when she comes in like a good dog and using my low voice, like you did when she won't come it. I love giving Keira all the love that you would as you loved your dog unconditionally. Even though we would think Keira was a pain in the ass sometimes, I know see what you saw in those big black eyes. You loved each other totally.
It is the little things.
I love remembering how devoted you were to your family, how you gave and gave and gave and never thought twice about it. How you were your happiest when you were giving something to someone. I love that you thought nothing of giving to others before you EVER thought of giving to yourself. I love telling people what a remarkable woman you are; what an inspiration you have been on your family and what a legacy you have left for us.
It is a big thing.
I remember your selflessness; your total and utter ability to completely amaze me and make me aspire to try to live my life as generous as you did. You gave to every person, animal, gathering, anything and just did it because it is the caring thing to do . I remember how you ALWAYS kept in contact with people. You were so great about that. You would write letters to your cousin or long-distance friends or family members. You knew how important it was to keep in touch with people and how to make them feel so special by you making the effort to stay in contact with them. You felt people. You have great empathy and compassion; a loving, loving woman.
It is a big thing.
You also had tremendous courage. You were/are the strongest, person that I have ever known. Honestly. You did not have the easiest of life but you made it look easy. You would never let it get you down. You always rose above and kept going. You are a fighter, a true Hurlburt. You had the guts, grit and determination to move things no matter what. You are an incredible role model and your persona lives on in each of your children. THAT Catherine, is one of the best things that you could have given to us. We love your determination, sometimes that stubborn Hurlburt-ness. We all have it, it is whether we admit it or not. But we always know that we can get to where we need to go because we have a great template to follow.
It is a big thing.
I miss our days together, going over to your house nearly every day to see what you were up to. What you were working on. I miss just sitting there and watching tv with you. Or talking about what the latest news on someone was. I miss making you laugh or seeing you smile. I miss just watching you from the corner of my eye to just look at you.
It is the little things that make big things.
I remember when I was a young girl, maybe around 10 or 11ish. I remember that I always gave you and Dad a kiss goodnight. I remember kissing you on the cheek and you would lean toward me, kinda pucker up and make the sound that people make when you call a cat. I remember that so well. But later, I remember that I was starting to feel like I was getting older and that I probably shouldn't be giving you kisses every night on your cheek. And I remember this terrible internal struggle that I was having one night on whether I should kiss you or not. I probably sat there for about a half an hour while you sat in your chair watching tv. I would look at you and I was thinking about whether I could muster up the courage to give you a kiss. I was so afraid that I was being childish. I finally got up and rushed to a side of the chair before I could change my mind and gave you a kiss on the cheek and you leaned in toward me, did your cat sound and then I rushed upstairs. I felt so relieved that I gave you that kiss. It gave me comfort that night.
It is the little things that make big things.
I wish that I could kiss that soft, pink cheek of yours again. I wouldn't hesitate like I did when I was a child. I know now how much you gave to us when we were children and I know how much you loved us then and now. Although I never doubted it, I just keep getting reminded of it. And I love you so very much. It is the little things, and the little things that make the big things. XXXX.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Birds
It's been a long time since I have posted, time has gotten away from me. But that doesn't mean that Mom has not been on my mind as much as she always has been. I have been busy getting Patience to New Zealand and Russ to tour. This winter has been a hard one, not only with Mom gone but with the harshness of the winter; so much snow. Between my house and shoveling or snowblowing Dad's house it was almost a full time job.
The days are getting longer and I am getting farther and farther away from you, Mom. The truth is the pain is always there, you just learn to live with it. There has been so many times that I have thought to pick up the phone to tell you something and realize that that is not going to happen. The other day I was walking to the mailbox and there were 12 bluebirds in my maple tree. And I froze in my tracks and immediately thought of you. You loved birds so much and taught me everything I know about them. My reaction was to call you and tell you that I had them. People have commented that it was you calling me. I know you would have said, "No!!" In an excited way. You loved bluebirds and when you would come over to take care of Dakota if I was away or if I had to work late, you would always drive down my driveway slowly to see if you could catch glimps of my birds. Your favorite bird was a Cedar Waxwing. You loved them so much. And you would get so excited when you saw them visit your flowering crabtree. We used to have great competitions about who had what bird. I remember the first time I had 10 red cardinals in my backyard and I called you to rub it in. You were always very excited for me And then when you would get the redbellied woodpecker at your feeder, you would call me up and say "guess what's at my feeder, Your redbellied woodpecker." And then we would laugh.
The birds still are coming well at your house; we keep them fed just like you would have wanted. Dad enjoys seeing them from his chair. I have spied an owl hanging out on my feeder just before the dawn. I am not sure if he is checking up on me or if he is comfortable in my woods. Tales have it that in Native American culture, the owl is the spirit world and I wondered if it was you looking out for me. I hold onto those thoughts very closely to me.
There have been sightings of you in some of our families dreams; Patience, Erin, Amanda, Jennifer. That is great that you are keeping good watch over them; we all knew you would. I have yet to dream any more of you than the one time that I heard your voice but did not see you. I would love to see you in my dreams Mom. I would love to be able to look at your face and see you smile at me again. I miss seeing that face.
Patience is in New Zealand now and I am so happy that she is able to have this opportunity. We are happiest when our children are growing well and experiencing life and having opportunities, you taught me that. You were always so proud of me. I remember you always saying to people, "oh, this is my baby", I love being your baby mom, even at my age. You always were so supportive of me. You always stuck by my side no matter what stupid thing I would have done. You taught me that family is the most important thing in life. That being responsible and respectful is very important. You taught me that being selfless, and a good neighbor, volunteer, helping out anyone that needs a helping hand, is all part of being a good person.
I miss calling you every night and hearing your voice. I miss seeing you at the kitchen table after Dad had gone to bed and you would be doing your "Find-a-Word" puzzle and chewing your bubble gum. I miss seeing you swinging your legs when you were doing that. I miss your smell that you had when you walked by right after you got out of your shower (I have your bottle of Gelee Vitabath Shower Bath). When I brought the bottle home, I had asked Russ to close his eyes and tell me what he smelled and he immediately said "your mother" cause when we would stay at your house, every night you would take your shower and walk by and that smell permeated the house. I keep that bottle close so I can smell it now and again. I also have the bottle of perfume that you used to wear Nuit de Noel. I gave Laura, Norma and Bonnie a bottle for Christmas cause we all remember that smell. Smell is the strongest scent that we have that is memory-evoking. And I know everytime I put on your perfume or just put it to my nose to smell it, they would love to have that memory too.
I also miss asking you about things, any thing. You always knew the answer to my questions or knew how I could find them out.
I also miss taking care of you, miss being there to look over something that you wanted me to look over for you. I miss bringing in the wood for you, shoveling for you, bringing in the groceries for you, buying your milk, helping you in any way that I could. I miss doing stuff for you. I miss you.
I hope that you visit me soon. I would love to hear your voice again, see your face finally. That one night that I did dream and heard your voice, the next day, I felt so light. That's the only way that I can describe it. I felt happy and light and whole again. I hope that you will come see me soon. And I am grateful that you continue to visit your grandkids, they miss you tons too Mom. I don't think that you could have ever understood the void that has been left with us in this family. You are grately missed and loved by all of us. I can only hope that I leave that much of an impression on my family as well. I love you Mom. I hope you are happy and light where you are and I hope that you continue to watch over us all and visit us often.
You are always on my mind Mom. I love you.
The days are getting longer and I am getting farther and farther away from you, Mom. The truth is the pain is always there, you just learn to live with it. There has been so many times that I have thought to pick up the phone to tell you something and realize that that is not going to happen. The other day I was walking to the mailbox and there were 12 bluebirds in my maple tree. And I froze in my tracks and immediately thought of you. You loved birds so much and taught me everything I know about them. My reaction was to call you and tell you that I had them. People have commented that it was you calling me. I know you would have said, "No!!" In an excited way. You loved bluebirds and when you would come over to take care of Dakota if I was away or if I had to work late, you would always drive down my driveway slowly to see if you could catch glimps of my birds. Your favorite bird was a Cedar Waxwing. You loved them so much. And you would get so excited when you saw them visit your flowering crabtree. We used to have great competitions about who had what bird. I remember the first time I had 10 red cardinals in my backyard and I called you to rub it in. You were always very excited for me And then when you would get the redbellied woodpecker at your feeder, you would call me up and say "guess what's at my feeder, Your redbellied woodpecker." And then we would laugh.
The birds still are coming well at your house; we keep them fed just like you would have wanted. Dad enjoys seeing them from his chair. I have spied an owl hanging out on my feeder just before the dawn. I am not sure if he is checking up on me or if he is comfortable in my woods. Tales have it that in Native American culture, the owl is the spirit world and I wondered if it was you looking out for me. I hold onto those thoughts very closely to me.
There have been sightings of you in some of our families dreams; Patience, Erin, Amanda, Jennifer. That is great that you are keeping good watch over them; we all knew you would. I have yet to dream any more of you than the one time that I heard your voice but did not see you. I would love to see you in my dreams Mom. I would love to be able to look at your face and see you smile at me again. I miss seeing that face.
Patience is in New Zealand now and I am so happy that she is able to have this opportunity. We are happiest when our children are growing well and experiencing life and having opportunities, you taught me that. You were always so proud of me. I remember you always saying to people, "oh, this is my baby", I love being your baby mom, even at my age. You always were so supportive of me. You always stuck by my side no matter what stupid thing I would have done. You taught me that family is the most important thing in life. That being responsible and respectful is very important. You taught me that being selfless, and a good neighbor, volunteer, helping out anyone that needs a helping hand, is all part of being a good person.
I miss calling you every night and hearing your voice. I miss seeing you at the kitchen table after Dad had gone to bed and you would be doing your "Find-a-Word" puzzle and chewing your bubble gum. I miss seeing you swinging your legs when you were doing that. I miss your smell that you had when you walked by right after you got out of your shower (I have your bottle of Gelee Vitabath Shower Bath). When I brought the bottle home, I had asked Russ to close his eyes and tell me what he smelled and he immediately said "your mother" cause when we would stay at your house, every night you would take your shower and walk by and that smell permeated the house. I keep that bottle close so I can smell it now and again. I also have the bottle of perfume that you used to wear Nuit de Noel. I gave Laura, Norma and Bonnie a bottle for Christmas cause we all remember that smell. Smell is the strongest scent that we have that is memory-evoking. And I know everytime I put on your perfume or just put it to my nose to smell it, they would love to have that memory too.
I also miss asking you about things, any thing. You always knew the answer to my questions or knew how I could find them out.
I also miss taking care of you, miss being there to look over something that you wanted me to look over for you. I miss bringing in the wood for you, shoveling for you, bringing in the groceries for you, buying your milk, helping you in any way that I could. I miss doing stuff for you. I miss you.
I hope that you visit me soon. I would love to hear your voice again, see your face finally. That one night that I did dream and heard your voice, the next day, I felt so light. That's the only way that I can describe it. I felt happy and light and whole again. I hope that you will come see me soon. And I am grateful that you continue to visit your grandkids, they miss you tons too Mom. I don't think that you could have ever understood the void that has been left with us in this family. You are grately missed and loved by all of us. I can only hope that I leave that much of an impression on my family as well. I love you Mom. I hope you are happy and light where you are and I hope that you continue to watch over us all and visit us often.
You are always on my mind Mom. I love you.
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