It's been a long time since I have posted, time has gotten away from me. But that doesn't mean that Mom has not been on my mind as much as she always has been. I have been busy getting Patience to New Zealand and Russ to tour. This winter has been a hard one, not only with Mom gone but with the harshness of the winter; so much snow. Between my house and shoveling or snowblowing Dad's house it was almost a full time job.
The days are getting longer and I am getting farther and farther away from you, Mom. The truth is the pain is always there, you just learn to live with it. There has been so many times that I have thought to pick up the phone to tell you something and realize that that is not going to happen. The other day I was walking to the mailbox and there were 12 bluebirds in my maple tree. And I froze in my tracks and immediately thought of you. You loved birds so much and taught me everything I know about them. My reaction was to call you and tell you that I had them. People have commented that it was you calling me. I know you would have said, "No!!" In an excited way. You loved bluebirds and when you would come over to take care of Dakota if I was away or if I had to work late, you would always drive down my driveway slowly to see if you could catch glimps of my birds. Your favorite bird was a Cedar Waxwing. You loved them so much. And you would get so excited when you saw them visit your flowering crabtree. We used to have great competitions about who had what bird. I remember the first time I had 10 red cardinals in my backyard and I called you to rub it in. You were always very excited for me And then when you would get the redbellied woodpecker at your feeder, you would call me up and say "guess what's at my feeder, Your redbellied woodpecker." And then we would laugh.
The birds still are coming well at your house; we keep them fed just like you would have wanted. Dad enjoys seeing them from his chair. I have spied an owl hanging out on my feeder just before the dawn. I am not sure if he is checking up on me or if he is comfortable in my woods. Tales have it that in Native American culture, the owl is the spirit world and I wondered if it was you looking out for me. I hold onto those thoughts very closely to me.
There have been sightings of you in some of our families dreams; Patience, Erin, Amanda, Jennifer. That is great that you are keeping good watch over them; we all knew you would. I have yet to dream any more of you than the one time that I heard your voice but did not see you. I would love to see you in my dreams Mom. I would love to be able to look at your face and see you smile at me again. I miss seeing that face.
Patience is in New Zealand now and I am so happy that she is able to have this opportunity. We are happiest when our children are growing well and experiencing life and having opportunities, you taught me that. You were always so proud of me. I remember you always saying to people, "oh, this is my baby", I love being your baby mom, even at my age. You always were so supportive of me. You always stuck by my side no matter what stupid thing I would have done. You taught me that family is the most important thing in life. That being responsible and respectful is very important. You taught me that being selfless, and a good neighbor, volunteer, helping out anyone that needs a helping hand, is all part of being a good person.
I miss calling you every night and hearing your voice. I miss seeing you at the kitchen table after Dad had gone to bed and you would be doing your "Find-a-Word" puzzle and chewing your bubble gum. I miss seeing you swinging your legs when you were doing that. I miss your smell that you had when you walked by right after you got out of your shower (I have your bottle of Gelee Vitabath Shower Bath). When I brought the bottle home, I had asked Russ to close his eyes and tell me what he smelled and he immediately said "your mother" cause when we would stay at your house, every night you would take your shower and walk by and that smell permeated the house. I keep that bottle close so I can smell it now and again. I also have the bottle of perfume that you used to wear Nuit de Noel. I gave Laura, Norma and Bonnie a bottle for Christmas cause we all remember that smell. Smell is the strongest scent that we have that is memory-evoking. And I know everytime I put on your perfume or just put it to my nose to smell it, they would love to have that memory too.
I also miss asking you about things, any thing. You always knew the answer to my questions or knew how I could find them out.
I also miss taking care of you, miss being there to look over something that you wanted me to look over for you. I miss bringing in the wood for you, shoveling for you, bringing in the groceries for you, buying your milk, helping you in any way that I could. I miss doing stuff for you. I miss you.
I hope that you visit me soon. I would love to hear your voice again, see your face finally. That one night that I did dream and heard your voice, the next day, I felt so light. That's the only way that I can describe it. I felt happy and light and whole again. I hope that you will come see me soon. And I am grateful that you continue to visit your grandkids, they miss you tons too Mom. I don't think that you could have ever understood the void that has been left with us in this family. You are grately missed and loved by all of us. I can only hope that I leave that much of an impression on my family as well. I love you Mom. I hope you are happy and light where you are and I hope that you continue to watch over us all and visit us often.
You are always on my mind Mom. I love you.
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