Missing Mom

Tuesday, August 31, was my first day back at work.  It was VERY difficult.  So many people being so kind and so loving, but I could not stop crying when they would give their condolences.  I could not focus on work, I could not focus on what I should be doing, what direction I should be walking in.  I found that I was staring in space more than anything else. 

GOD I MISS MY MOTHER.

I don't want to go back to work.  The only work that I want to do is to take care of my father with my brothers and sisters.

I can't stand that time is moving on because it means that I am getting that much further away from her.  It is difficult for me to realize that I can not physically see my mother any more.  It is hard for me to fathom that I will never see her again on this earth.  It's a bad day. 

I bought two beautiful flower plants today; petunias, and I am going to hang them on a nice wrought-iron hanger at the cemetery for her.  She would have said "...don't waste your money".  I would say that "...it's not a waste of money".  She would chuckle, I would chuckle.  I miss those days.  I miss her.

My heart is heavy today.  My stomach hurts.  My tears don't seem to have an end to them.  It's one of those days that you just want to crumble to the ground.

I love my Mother.  I love my Mother. I love my Mother.

I will, one of these days, start to write happy stories of my Mom.  But for now, these are my thoughts, my process for grieving her.

Mom, I miss you so much, it hurts.  I love you so much, it heals.