Her Strength

I have been wondering lately about the depth of my grief.  People have commented to me about it and say that it is a testament to my Mom.  To me this is normal, I didn't know that there is any other way to grieve.  Deep, painful, crushing, empty, sustaining grief.  And terribly, terribly sad.  Don't other people feel this depth of grief?  Don't other people suffer so?  I don't know.  I would suspect that they do.  However, I know nothing else but what I am experiencing.

I wonder if it has anything to do with how I knew my mother to be.  She was the strongest woman I have ever known.  I truly, honestly believe this.  She was not a complainer.  She worked so very hard in her life.  But to her that was what people do.  She worked at a job, came home, took care of the kids, the house, the garden, her community.  She made sure she gave everything that she possibly could to her family.  That was what life was for her, her family. 

If she had it, she gave it and gave generously.  She would go without for her children, her family.  To Mom, life is what you give and how you give.  You never said anything in passing to Mom because the next thing you know, it would appear for you.  I learned later in my life to keep things to myself, things that I might wish I had, because she would get it for me.  She wanted her children to have things that would make them a little happier, make their lives a little easier. 

She also had this incredible strength emotionally.  She was the type of woman that would say to herself, "can't feel sorry for yourself, gotta keep going," or "better pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move forward."  She believed that life was going to leave you behind if you didn't keep moving.

I never heard her complain about anything, even when she was sick, she always went to work, did her usual daily chores, and just kept going.  She just didn't talk about it.  I would ask her, "how you doing today?"  "Oh, I'm great."  No matter what.  She was always great.  Part of it is that she probably didn't want us kids to worry about her.  She never lead on anything negative.

I guess maybe that is why my grief is so deep, so profound some say.  Because how could someone leave so suddenly, when they had such a strong persona.  How can someone pass when they had so much life to live and so much love to give to her family.  How could this woman, that I so looked up to, and admired for all that she was, leave me so absolutely lifeless; so weak.  I believed, or maybe I hoped, that I could reach this pinnacle of what she was.  But I feel so powerless now.  Strength is not within this body right now.

She came from a generation of women where inequality reined.  But she grew to be a woman that was stronger than any woman that I now know who has grown up in this "newer" generation.  She surpassed them in every area. 

Maybe my deep grief translates from the loss of the great pedestal that my Mom resides on in my mind and heart.