Open Letter To My Mom on Christmas

Well, it's Christmas Mom.  One of the biggest days in the Hurlburt household, and we didn't have you there.  And you were greatly missed.  This is one of your most favorite days in the world.  A day that you always looked forward to because you were spending it with your family.

I started the day going over to your house to cook one of your turkeys that you had in the freezer.  Now, as a vegetarian I have to say, that is a pretty gross job.  Sticking my hand in its ass and neck to pull out the innards and all that yucky stuff...but I digress.  I was over to the house about 6:45 to make sure that I got the bird in the oven in time so we could eat at 1:00. 

Dad did his usual, "hello", from the bedroom when I walked in, and I had to chuckle, cause I remember when he would do that when I was visiting you sometimes and you would roll your eyes.  I feed the cat cause she was yawling her head off as she always does at morning and evening feed times.  And Keira was let out, but had to bite the door on her way out; like she always did with you too.  And I yelled "Keira" to make her stop just like you always used to.  Keira came right back after she went to the bathroom cause she knows that she gets a "cookie" for coming back without being called.    She misses you Mom.  I can tell.  Dogs have that deep bond like humans do.  I do my best to give her enough love, I believe we all do but I think it pales in what you would do for her.  You were so good to her.  The cat is the same pain in the ass as you well know.  All she cares about is eating and sleeping in either Dad's recliner or his kitchen table chair.
But we are giving her all the spoiling just like you used to too.

Susie came over today to help out cause it was Christmas morning and us kids were with our kids or spouses for the morning.  She has been God-sent Mom, she is helping so much with taking care of Dad.  She makes him laugh and she feeds him well.  He enjoys her company.  But he misses you terribly too.  He asks about you often and it is painful to watch him go through this.  I think that we kids appreciate so much more than we did before what it took for you to take care of Dad with all of his health needs.  I wish I had known the work that it took to take care of him because I would have tried to pick up some of the slack for you.  I know that we all would have helped pick up the slack.  But it wasn't in your nature to "burden" your children or anyone, for that matter, with something that you thought was your responsibility. 

I left your house for a few hours and had the tree at my house but you weren't far from my thoughts all morning.  I miss hearing your voice on Christmas morning; I remember when I'd call, I'd hear on the other end "Merry Christmas".  So cheerful and happy cause we were all going to be getting together soon. 

We went back to your house about noonish; of course I was running late as usual.  And Laura , Larry and Kailey were there, and Amanda and Nick had just pulled in before me.  Jr and Marlaina and the rest of their kids weren't there because they were a little sick and we didn't think that Dad should be around anyone that is sick cause it takes him so long to recover from a cold.  Earl, III came next, followed by Russ, Patience and Chris.  And then Norma.  It was pretty funny watching Dad sit in his chair at the kitchen table and watch all the activity.  He was watching Norma, Laura, Me and the others trying to get the meal to the table.  It took all of us to do what you used to do pretty much by yourself.  I said to Dad, "look at all the people that it takes to do the work of what Mom used to do by herself."   And he just nodded. Well, we finally got everything on the table by 1:30ish.

After lunch, Dad asked about you a couple of times and when he does so, it is with sadness.  It is painful to look in his eyes and see the emptiness that he feels without you.  I can feel it when I look in his eyes.  Sometimes when I respond, I can't look at him. It hurts too much.

We then had Dad open his presents.  He is comical when he does stuff like that, you know how he does it.  He makes some kind of joke about it.  And he makes people laugh when he does that.  I got him the game Uno.  Remember when we used to play that all the time.  That and Yahtzee.  We had such fun playing games.  I found a picture not too long ago.  It is of you, Laura and me and we are playing a card game. And in it we were laughing our asses off.   You could just feel the laughter in that picture.  I remember it so well.  I asked Dad today when we were playing Uno, if he remembered playing Kings Four Corners.  He said no but I am sure you would remember it.  We had fun, and in Dad's usual way, he beat us most of the time.

We missed your wonderful holiday treats that you made each year too.  It is so sad to see all those empty tins where you would put those treats.

This year, I tried to give something special to all of your kids and grandkids for Christmas.   Just a small piece of you for them to keep.  I took your special recipe book and photocopied all of your recipes and made a booklet for them.  It had 30 pages of your best recipes ever; and all of your favorite holiday treats that you used to make.  I laminated them or put them in a plastic sleeve and then bound them in some twine.  The cover sheet was entitled "Gram's [or Mom's] Holiday Treats (and other recipes from her coveted recipe book)."  It had several pictures of you on it; All of them are of you smiling cause that is how I remember you most.  There is also one that I put in that is of all of your children and grandchildren; you would remember that one, you used it one year for your Christmas card.  I then made three of your favorite holiday treats; Rice Crispy Treats, Coconut balls, and Fudge WITH nuts.  I typed a note to the grandkids and reminded them of how special you were (although, I did not have to remind them, they know so well) and how much you love them (again, I did not have to remind them).  I boxed it all up and gave it to them. I also made one for Caleb cause I know that you loved him as your own grandchild, and I know that he loved your holiday treats too.  I made 13 copies for grandkids and 6 for kids (Bonnie is included, of course).

I also gave to your daughters, a bottle of your favorite perfume that you used to wear.  I had my own already that I had of yours.  I remember right after you passed finding that perfume bottle.  I picked it up and sprayed a little and closed my eyes.  It was like you were right beside me or had just walked by.  It brought you back to me for that moment; a wonderful moment. 

Well after all the presents were opened and the card game was over, Dad took his nap and people left.  Norma called me to say that she went down to visit you and sprayed a little of your perfume on a tiny stocking that she placed on the wreath that is on your grave.  That was a beautiful gesture.

I left Dad at around 5 on Christmas night as Laura was making dinner for him.  He is doing ok with all of us.  I did want to tell you that I appreciate so much what you did for Dad all of these years; the good care that you took of him, and the love that you gave him.  One of the Christmas gifts that I gave Dad, was a picture of you and him together in the mid-70s.  You both looked great.  I wanted him to have the ability to have a picture of you and him at the table so that he can look at it often and I hope that it gives him good memories of you.

These past several months have allowed me to feel closer to Dad.  I am able to be one on one with him, unlike before when I used to ask you to ask Dad if he wanted to go see Uncle Bernard, or go to the dump with me, or if I could borrow his truck, or whatever it was. I would go through you to get to Dad.  Or I would just say a couple of things to Dad and then talk with you.  I see a side of Dad that I didn't appreciate enough before.  I see him as a funny, gentle man.  Sometimes very vulnerable and that makes me sad and scared.  But I also see the man that was my Dad that was strong with a firm hand in his younger days, a man that could scare the shit out of me just by you saying "wait til your father comes home".  I can laugh at that NOW Mom, it was not funny then!!!

It has been a tough day Mom, I won't lie.  We miss you terribly.  All of us do.  I only hope that you can see me, us. I hope that you can see what an impact you have made in our lives, an impact you still are having on our lives.  You were the thread that held us all together.  We are all struggling without you; feeling the terrible loss of you from our lives.   But the lessons you had given us when you were here, and with you gone, have been priceless and a blessing.  You gave so much then and still are giving with you gone.  That is a very special ability and says alot about who you are and your character.  I love you more than you will ever know.  I can only strive to live up to who you are and leave such an impact as you did. 

Merry Christmas Mom.  I hope that you have a peaceful day where you are and that you are enjoying seeing old friends and family. 

Please visit me in my dreams...