Tough Days

Yesterday and today were tough days.  It is so hard to realize that my Mother is really gone.  Today I was thinking about something and said "I gotta call Mom" and then realize what has happened but for that one split second all is ok.  And then it is not.

I saw my sister yesterday and she has been having a couple of tough days which makes me very sad.  And I try to comfort her and tell her that grief is a process and let the grief come in and let it go out.  What do I know, I have never grieved before.  I also tell her to cry often.  I take that advice myself because I cry alot too.  I cry when people tell me how sorry they are, I cry when they hug me, I cry when I try to speak to them, I cry when I am at Mom's grave, I cry when I am at Mom and Dad's house, I cry when I walk in her garden...

Mom's Garden
I remember when Mom was working in her garden this spring and how it just flourished this year.  She was so proud of the garden, it was doing so well.  I called her a regular Martha Stewart.  She had planted new flowers and transplanted others.  It looks so beautiful.  I like to walk through her garden and tell her how incredible it is. 

Mom and Dad always had a huge garden.  It was one that every year they would have to till the earth, and then spend a great amount of time weeding.  As Dad got older and it was more difficult for him to til, Mom took over the job.  Several years ago, Russ and I decided to help her out by making raised beds so she didn't have to til the garden and to minimize the weeding.  We placed the beds in a sun-with-rays shape, you know the kind, the ones that we all made as a kid, with a circle in the middle and straight lines pointing out in various lengths.  The circle was in the middle but it only had 5 points out (interestingly enough there are 5 kids, that was not intended but that is just how it worked out).  It was perfect for Mom.  She loved it.  It was easy to tend, no tilling, no weeding.  In between each bed point she had laid down mulch to ease the picking of vegetables but everywhere else she had planted flowers.  The whole garden has begun to fill in and it is a visual delight to look at. She loved working in that garden.  She loved being outside, she loved...

Tonight, I went down to the cemetery to water a plant that I had left on her grave.  At first it was ok to be there...no crying, just looking and thinking.  Then it hits me, and I begin crying.  Mom was our sun, the center of our world, we were her points outward, she was the one who always tended to us, always loved to nurture us, spoil us, love us.  We know how much we were loved, are loved.  There is no doubt in any of our minds.  And there is no doubt in any of our minds how much we love her, will always love her.