Family

Family...I say that word with a much different meaning these days. 

Everything has been a complete whirlwind since Mom has passed.  From contacting my brothers and sisters about Mom, to meeting with the funeral home director to making sure our Father is going to be ok. 

...And giving us time to really grieve.

What a tribute to our Mother, the way that we are looking after her affairs, after our father.  There is no question about what our responsibility is, what we must do.  We must take care of our 87-year-old Father.  We must take up where she left off.  We have letters to write, meals to make and schedules to fill.  Mom instilled in us a sense of right and wrong, a sense of responsibility, of what we do to make a family a family.  She never told us what to do, we learned by watching her generous nature of how we should take care of each other, our neighbors, and our friends.

My brothers and sisters have been amazing.  We are all working together, becoming closer in our relationships with each other.  We all are taking this new meaning of what a family must do as a tribute to Mom but also as a tribute to ourselves; because we are able to put her work (nurturing us as we were growing up) into action.  I am proud of my brothers and sisters. I am proud to say that our Mother was our Mother...through all the good and bad...but always, always, being our rock, being the ship that weathered the storm and keep us dry. 

We are the luckiest family in the world..

LIVE STRONG

Today I was mowing the lawn, and thought about Mom the whole time.  Mom used to always offer to mow my lawn when I was away or working.  She would drive her John Deere lawn tractor over to my house just to help out and be a great Mom.  The last time she mowed my lawn was with Bonnie when Russ, Patience and I were on vacation in New Orleans.  The two of them each on a tractor mowing my meadow.  Bonnie had told Mom that she was going to mow my lawn, and Mom said "ok, I'll help" and off she came on her tractor.  She loved to mow the lawn.  She loved to work outside in her garden.  She would often do things outside so she could avoid the inside work.  She just loved the whole earth-connection thing. 

I also remember when we first starting mowing some of the meadow that is at the beginning of our driveway.  It was soon after we built our house in 2002.  She came over with her JD tractor and just went straight into the high grass, she had no fear of rocks or outcroppings, she would go slow enough that if she hit something it wouldn't hurt anything.  I was always so afraid that she would bend the blade or that a rock would go flying, but she was always so fearless.  I loved that about her.

 Sometimes when I feel afraid or unsure of myself, I try to think of how Mom would handle it and it actually helps to calm me down.

Mom always wore a yellow LIVESTRONG rubber bracelet; she believed it.  When she passed, I put that bracelet on my wrist.  I look at it often.  I wear it because it makes me feel that I am touching the bracelet that she touched.  Another connection.   But I also know that this was her motto.  And I am trying to use her belief to help me live strong.

Red Lipstick

I Left Vermont for a few days for different scenery, different distractions.  And it worked somewhat, seeing wonderful people that we haven't seen in months, catching up on what everyone is up to, talking kids and gardens and weather.  But I still can't go too long into a conversation about Mom without feeling the tears well up and the stomach pain. I have to stop.

I am ready to go home. To go back to where I left off, back to the place where I feel that I have more of a connection to her.  Touch her purse, or sweater, kiss her picture.  God how I miss her...

It has been 4 weeks. 4 absolutely pain-filled, heart-wretching weeks. 

I also go back to work on Tuesday. Not really looking forward to that; not that the people aren't wonderful because they are, and they have been so good to me.  It just is hard to know that I have to face people.  That is so tough, cause people want to give you their condolences, want to tell you how wonderful a person she is, but all I can do is break down when they say something to me knowing just how much we have lost.  I do appreciate the sentiments for sure but I just am so fragile right now. 

I love my Mother more than words could ever express.  She is such a driving force in my life, my development.  And I am proud to say, I am my Mother.

Anyone that knows me knows that I love to wear lipstick and not just a shiny pink gloss but a real bright red shade; like Cliniques' Vintage Wine or Angel Red.  And I totally remember how that came about.  And it was not some fashion magazine but from when I was a little girl watching my Mom putting on her red lipstick and always thinking how beautiful she was.  And I would say that when I grow up, I am going to wear lipstick just like my Mom.  And I do...

I am ready to go home.  I need to be around her house, her garden.  I need to recharge my soul by filling it with what she saw, where she walked.  I need to put on my red lipstick.

Away

Russ and I have gone away for a few days.  We will be having lunch today with some dear friends that we have known for over 25 years.  Then I will be taking a walk with the "her" of the group, Janet, to talk and cry.  This will be very theraputic for me.  I will be back soon.

Some Signs

The day after the funeral I was at the cemetery by myself to try to...I don't know what, cry, talk...I don't know.  And I was thinking that I could hopefully get some type of sign of Mom.  Any type of sign. 

A Sign:

I remember when a really important person in my life had passed away about 10 years ago.  She was a great mentor to me, a person who always made me feel so special.  And I loved her very much.

One year, Russ, Patience, my Mom, my niece Erin, and I had taken a trip to California for a visit but to also see this wonderful person, Vicki.  When we got there, we had found out that Vicki had just gone into the hospital and was very ill.  We went to see her, but Mom was the only one allowed in Vicki's hospital room. Unfortunately, Vicki was so ill that it was her wish to go home to die.

We returned from California about a week later,  And the first night back in my home, I had the most amazing dream of Vicki.  It was short but beautiful and memorable; I still remember it quite vividly.  Vicki had the most beautiful long grey hair which was always pinned up with lovely cameo hair clips or barretts.  Well in my dream, Vicki was standing looking right at me and said "I am fine Debbie, don't worry about me", and I remember her hair was down and slightly being blown back.  So the next morning I called Mom to say that I had this most amazing dream of Vicki that night, and that Vicki had told me that she was fine and that she looked so happy and peaceful to me. That is when my Mom told me that she had found out earlier that morning that Vicki had passed away the previous night.  It was then that I realized that this didn't seem to be just any dream but something different, a message, a sign.  I am not sure. But I am sure that it was meant to calm me, reassure me.  And I have held on to that belief ever since.

So I was at the cemetery and I said to Mom, "Please Mom, I need a sign, and not just any sign, something significant, not just a bird or a butterfly, but it's gotta be big".  About 5 minutes had passed, and I had  begun to cry again as I looked at all the beautiful flowers that were on her grave, when I heard a car go by.   I looked up and saw a 4-door white Ford Focus drive by the cemetery.  You see, Mom's car is a 4-door, white Ford Focus.  Maybe some would say it is a coincidence but you have to remember that this cemetery is in a rural area of our home town.  So the odds of the exact same car, to go by that particular cemetery, is kinda remote. "That was a good one Mom, a REAL good one", was all I could say.   And I kinda chuckled as I said it.  I will hang onto this sign just like I hang onto the one that I got from Vicki. 

I do hope that Mom and Vicki have found each other.  And I do hope that Mom will continue to give me signs.  We should all be open to the possibilities.

I love you Mom, you never did anything in a small way, that Ford Focus sign was one of the best I could have asked for.

Tough Days

Yesterday and today were tough days.  It is so hard to realize that my Mother is really gone.  Today I was thinking about something and said "I gotta call Mom" and then realize what has happened but for that one split second all is ok.  And then it is not.

I saw my sister yesterday and she has been having a couple of tough days which makes me very sad.  And I try to comfort her and tell her that grief is a process and let the grief come in and let it go out.  What do I know, I have never grieved before.  I also tell her to cry often.  I take that advice myself because I cry alot too.  I cry when people tell me how sorry they are, I cry when they hug me, I cry when I try to speak to them, I cry when I am at Mom's grave, I cry when I am at Mom and Dad's house, I cry when I walk in her garden...

Mom's Garden
I remember when Mom was working in her garden this spring and how it just flourished this year.  She was so proud of the garden, it was doing so well.  I called her a regular Martha Stewart.  She had planted new flowers and transplanted others.  It looks so beautiful.  I like to walk through her garden and tell her how incredible it is. 

Mom and Dad always had a huge garden.  It was one that every year they would have to till the earth, and then spend a great amount of time weeding.  As Dad got older and it was more difficult for him to til, Mom took over the job.  Several years ago, Russ and I decided to help her out by making raised beds so she didn't have to til the garden and to minimize the weeding.  We placed the beds in a sun-with-rays shape, you know the kind, the ones that we all made as a kid, with a circle in the middle and straight lines pointing out in various lengths.  The circle was in the middle but it only had 5 points out (interestingly enough there are 5 kids, that was not intended but that is just how it worked out).  It was perfect for Mom.  She loved it.  It was easy to tend, no tilling, no weeding.  In between each bed point she had laid down mulch to ease the picking of vegetables but everywhere else she had planted flowers.  The whole garden has begun to fill in and it is a visual delight to look at. She loved working in that garden.  She loved being outside, she loved...

Tonight, I went down to the cemetery to water a plant that I had left on her grave.  At first it was ok to be there...no crying, just looking and thinking.  Then it hits me, and I begin crying.  Mom was our sun, the center of our world, we were her points outward, she was the one who always tended to us, always loved to nurture us, spoil us, love us.  We know how much we were loved, are loved.  There is no doubt in any of our minds.  And there is no doubt in any of our minds how much we love her, will always love her.

Couldn't Have Imagined

I can't believe that I am starting a blog, especially one about remembering my Mom.  But that is something that I thought I would like to do to help me through this journey.  I guess I will start with the eulogy that I read at Mom's funeral, and I think that this is a great place for it because I want others to hear how great a woman she was/is.

And I knew that the church would be filled so I started out this way:

Our Mother would have been so happy to see so many of her family and friends here for her today.  She obviously cut a wide swath and touched many, many lives.

Mom was born and raised in East Middlebury on August 10, 1934, although according to Mom that was up for debate.  Her birth certificate states that she was born on August 8, but as a child it was always celebrated on the 10th so she believed it to be the 10th.  She never really thought all that much about it and never thought to change the pattern.

Mom and Dad married in 1952 in Brandon at the Methodist Church with her sister, Barb, brother-in-law, Bob Piper, her mom, Beatrice and father, Shirley Ovitt attending.  They bought their home on Pidgeon Road in the early 1950s and raised five children there: Earl, Jr., Laura, Norma, Jim, and me.  It was a small home for seven people, and I believe that that was where our tight family bond and our values were formed.  The house was full of noise, busy-ness, and activity but it had much love for the kids and later grandkids, and great-grandkids.

There are 12 grandchildren; Brian, Amanda, Erin, Earl III, JR, Heath, Marcel, Lance, Jennifer, Jamie, Heather, and Patience.  16 great grandchildren; Lucas, Kailey, Kara, Little Larry, Madison, Heath, Grace, Jackson, Bode, Owen, Autumn, Haidyn, Mason, Jayla, AAliyah and JJ.

Her family sustained her - it gave her immense pride when she talked about her kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids.

She loved family gatherings, birthdays, weddings, holidays.  Always the first to say "what can I bring".  She gave generously to the people around her with her time, friendship and love.

However, there were also kids that "adopted" mom as their mom or grandmother because of her incredible ability to touch peoples' hearts, make them feel loved, protected, and listened to.  It was never out of the ordinary to see different faces at the kitchen table talking to Mom, as a matter of fact, it was unusual "not" to see one there.

Mom worked for numerous people in her life in a job she really enjoyed.  Two particular families she enjoyed working for were Patti and Pete Brakeley, and Vicki and Georgie Sappio.  She was more like a good family friend then anything else.  They would often say "come on Kathy, let's have a soda or a cup of tea" and they'd sit - , and then she would light up a cigarette.

One story I found out about, about 10 years ago which was a gesture that summed up our Mother to a "T".  Mom and I were at a memorial service for Vicki Sappio.  We were sitting with Vicki's daughter, Debbie Suplee and they were talking about "back-in-the-day."  Debbie turned to Mom and said "Kathy, do you remember the Thanksgiving my mom burnt the turkey", and my Mom said yeah.  Debbie went on to say that our Mother brought over our Thanksgiving turkey to replace the burnt one.  But knowing Mom, she probably was making two and had three in the freezer just waiting for some family function or emergency.

But that's the type of woman our Mother was - self-less, compassionate, caring, thinking of others before herself - always. Never complaining, never stopping long enough to "think about" complaining.  And she was so worried about putting the burden on us kids.  She's say "you kids are so busy - I'll do what I can."

One day a couple of months ago, I was out for a bike ride and thought that I would stop by to see Mom and Dad.  As I was getting closer to the house, I saw Mom outside with a shovel and mounds of dirt on the lawn.  I could not believe my eyes.  She was digging up the kitchen sink drain-line because it was moving too slowly.  She had dug one foot down, 1 foot across, and 10 feet of the 20 foot line.  Here she is, 75 years old.  I asked her why she didn't call one of us - she said "I can do it - I just go slow."

She never, ever wanted to depend on her kids, but truth be told, we depended on her.  Her stability, her strength, her fiery independence, her humor, her common sense.  We would all call her with a question or problem - Jr and Marcel about some gardening question, Amanda about the family's next get together, or Patience asking Gram to let the dog out during a time we were away.

Her love for animals equaled her love of family.  Mom would donate food, money, and supplies to animals in need.  One time, a young hawk was walking down our road but it could not fly, so Mom had us catch it.  And for the next 2 weeks with lots of her love, and plenty of raw hamburger, the bird healed.  We took him outside and let him fly away.  That hawk would often come back and circle the house, and Mom would be so happy to see that bird.

Mom epitomized community, charity, love, selflessness - she lived it - she touched many, many lives.

Mom we love you, and miss you terribly.  We will keep your lessons and values close, and your love closer in our hearts forever.  You must be in heaven, looking down on us and smiling.

Rest peacefully now Mom; you worked hard, you played hard, and you did an incredible job with us kids.

We are truly blessed having you as our Mom.  We love you forever.