Open Letter To My Mom on Christmas

Well, it's Christmas Mom.  One of the biggest days in the Hurlburt household, and we didn't have you there.  And you were greatly missed.  This is one of your most favorite days in the world.  A day that you always looked forward to because you were spending it with your family.

I started the day going over to your house to cook one of your turkeys that you had in the freezer.  Now, as a vegetarian I have to say, that is a pretty gross job.  Sticking my hand in its ass and neck to pull out the innards and all that yucky stuff...but I digress.  I was over to the house about 6:45 to make sure that I got the bird in the oven in time so we could eat at 1:00. 

Dad did his usual, "hello", from the bedroom when I walked in, and I had to chuckle, cause I remember when he would do that when I was visiting you sometimes and you would roll your eyes.  I feed the cat cause she was yawling her head off as she always does at morning and evening feed times.  And Keira was let out, but had to bite the door on her way out; like she always did with you too.  And I yelled "Keira" to make her stop just like you always used to.  Keira came right back after she went to the bathroom cause she knows that she gets a "cookie" for coming back without being called.    She misses you Mom.  I can tell.  Dogs have that deep bond like humans do.  I do my best to give her enough love, I believe we all do but I think it pales in what you would do for her.  You were so good to her.  The cat is the same pain in the ass as you well know.  All she cares about is eating and sleeping in either Dad's recliner or his kitchen table chair.
But we are giving her all the spoiling just like you used to too.

Susie came over today to help out cause it was Christmas morning and us kids were with our kids or spouses for the morning.  She has been God-sent Mom, she is helping so much with taking care of Dad.  She makes him laugh and she feeds him well.  He enjoys her company.  But he misses you terribly too.  He asks about you often and it is painful to watch him go through this.  I think that we kids appreciate so much more than we did before what it took for you to take care of Dad with all of his health needs.  I wish I had known the work that it took to take care of him because I would have tried to pick up some of the slack for you.  I know that we all would have helped pick up the slack.  But it wasn't in your nature to "burden" your children or anyone, for that matter, with something that you thought was your responsibility. 

I left your house for a few hours and had the tree at my house but you weren't far from my thoughts all morning.  I miss hearing your voice on Christmas morning; I remember when I'd call, I'd hear on the other end "Merry Christmas".  So cheerful and happy cause we were all going to be getting together soon. 

We went back to your house about noonish; of course I was running late as usual.  And Laura , Larry and Kailey were there, and Amanda and Nick had just pulled in before me.  Jr and Marlaina and the rest of their kids weren't there because they were a little sick and we didn't think that Dad should be around anyone that is sick cause it takes him so long to recover from a cold.  Earl, III came next, followed by Russ, Patience and Chris.  And then Norma.  It was pretty funny watching Dad sit in his chair at the kitchen table and watch all the activity.  He was watching Norma, Laura, Me and the others trying to get the meal to the table.  It took all of us to do what you used to do pretty much by yourself.  I said to Dad, "look at all the people that it takes to do the work of what Mom used to do by herself."   And he just nodded. Well, we finally got everything on the table by 1:30ish.

After lunch, Dad asked about you a couple of times and when he does so, it is with sadness.  It is painful to look in his eyes and see the emptiness that he feels without you.  I can feel it when I look in his eyes.  Sometimes when I respond, I can't look at him. It hurts too much.

We then had Dad open his presents.  He is comical when he does stuff like that, you know how he does it.  He makes some kind of joke about it.  And he makes people laugh when he does that.  I got him the game Uno.  Remember when we used to play that all the time.  That and Yahtzee.  We had such fun playing games.  I found a picture not too long ago.  It is of you, Laura and me and we are playing a card game. And in it we were laughing our asses off.   You could just feel the laughter in that picture.  I remember it so well.  I asked Dad today when we were playing Uno, if he remembered playing Kings Four Corners.  He said no but I am sure you would remember it.  We had fun, and in Dad's usual way, he beat us most of the time.

We missed your wonderful holiday treats that you made each year too.  It is so sad to see all those empty tins where you would put those treats.

This year, I tried to give something special to all of your kids and grandkids for Christmas.   Just a small piece of you for them to keep.  I took your special recipe book and photocopied all of your recipes and made a booklet for them.  It had 30 pages of your best recipes ever; and all of your favorite holiday treats that you used to make.  I laminated them or put them in a plastic sleeve and then bound them in some twine.  The cover sheet was entitled "Gram's [or Mom's] Holiday Treats (and other recipes from her coveted recipe book)."  It had several pictures of you on it; All of them are of you smiling cause that is how I remember you most.  There is also one that I put in that is of all of your children and grandchildren; you would remember that one, you used it one year for your Christmas card.  I then made three of your favorite holiday treats; Rice Crispy Treats, Coconut balls, and Fudge WITH nuts.  I typed a note to the grandkids and reminded them of how special you were (although, I did not have to remind them, they know so well) and how much you love them (again, I did not have to remind them).  I boxed it all up and gave it to them. I also made one for Caleb cause I know that you loved him as your own grandchild, and I know that he loved your holiday treats too.  I made 13 copies for grandkids and 6 for kids (Bonnie is included, of course).

I also gave to your daughters, a bottle of your favorite perfume that you used to wear.  I had my own already that I had of yours.  I remember right after you passed finding that perfume bottle.  I picked it up and sprayed a little and closed my eyes.  It was like you were right beside me or had just walked by.  It brought you back to me for that moment; a wonderful moment. 

Well after all the presents were opened and the card game was over, Dad took his nap and people left.  Norma called me to say that she went down to visit you and sprayed a little of your perfume on a tiny stocking that she placed on the wreath that is on your grave.  That was a beautiful gesture.

I left Dad at around 5 on Christmas night as Laura was making dinner for him.  He is doing ok with all of us.  I did want to tell you that I appreciate so much what you did for Dad all of these years; the good care that you took of him, and the love that you gave him.  One of the Christmas gifts that I gave Dad, was a picture of you and him together in the mid-70s.  You both looked great.  I wanted him to have the ability to have a picture of you and him at the table so that he can look at it often and I hope that it gives him good memories of you.

These past several months have allowed me to feel closer to Dad.  I am able to be one on one with him, unlike before when I used to ask you to ask Dad if he wanted to go see Uncle Bernard, or go to the dump with me, or if I could borrow his truck, or whatever it was. I would go through you to get to Dad.  Or I would just say a couple of things to Dad and then talk with you.  I see a side of Dad that I didn't appreciate enough before.  I see him as a funny, gentle man.  Sometimes very vulnerable and that makes me sad and scared.  But I also see the man that was my Dad that was strong with a firm hand in his younger days, a man that could scare the shit out of me just by you saying "wait til your father comes home".  I can laugh at that NOW Mom, it was not funny then!!!

It has been a tough day Mom, I won't lie.  We miss you terribly.  All of us do.  I only hope that you can see me, us. I hope that you can see what an impact you have made in our lives, an impact you still are having on our lives.  You were the thread that held us all together.  We are all struggling without you; feeling the terrible loss of you from our lives.   But the lessons you had given us when you were here, and with you gone, have been priceless and a blessing.  You gave so much then and still are giving with you gone.  That is a very special ability and says alot about who you are and your character.  I love you more than you will ever know.  I can only strive to live up to who you are and leave such an impact as you did. 

Merry Christmas Mom.  I hope that you have a peaceful day where you are and that you are enjoying seeing old friends and family. 

Please visit me in my dreams...

Happy Anniversary to you.

Well, today is Mom and Dad's 58 wedding anniversary.  58 years.  I can't believe it.  That is an incredibly long time to be married.  I miss seeing her with Dad on their anniversary.  I know Dad misses her so much just like we do.  And it is so hard to see him without her.  It is like he is missing a limb or something.  When people say they are missing a part of themselves, it is literally true.  A part of your soul is gone when your wife/husband/mother/partner dies.

I remember when Mom and  Dad were approaching their 50 wedding anniversary.  Mom could not wait to celebrate.  She was so excited to reach that milestone.  We held a really fun party for her and Dad; complete with live music and food and friends.  I know that they had a great time.  It was such a great day.  We were so happy for them.   We laughed so much.

Last time, I wrote about a letter that I had written to Mom and Dad on their anniversary over 20 years ago.  I reprinted the section that I wrote to Mom on my last post.  This time I am going to reprint the section that I wrote to both of them in honor of a great set of parents who gave so much to their children over all else. 

Mom & Dad:  What a Team!  You two keep each other young and keep each other going.  Your a great symbol for all of your children.  We have all married wonderful people and have really good relationships.  You both have done all this for us.  Thanks for all you've shown us.  For you two are the core of this whole big beautiful family and we love you and need you still for added guidance.  Who is it that we all call for unanswered questions no matter how small the questions; you always have a good answer.  What an inspirational duo!  We love you always!!!

Here's to you Mom and Dad!

It is especially difficult this year because right on the heels of their anniversary is Christmas.  And boy did Mom love Christmas!  She would start her shopping soon after Christmas the year before.  No kidding.  She loved shopping for her family.  She also loved putting up her outside lights of Santa and the reindeer.  She would put it on a timer so she could enjoy it from dusk til she went to bed.  Norma just put up the outside decorations for Dad to look at.   That was really great.  I don't think I could have done it.  It is still difficult for me to do some of the stuff that Mom would do.  It is still too close to the bone.

Mom would also start her holiday baking.  She made so many good, tasty treats.  Mom had such a great time making things that her kids and friends would enjoy.  This year, Patience made some great Gram goodies for Thanksgiving in her memory.  And she did a great job, everything tasted so good.  Gram is very proud of her I'm sure.

It is hard to go to the house and go on the porch where she kept all of the goodies she made and see the empty tins where she kept her treats.  The were always full of rice crispie treats, fudge, magic bars, joe froggers, crescent cookies, sand tarts, gingerbread boys and girls, peanut clusters, almond joys candies, peanut butter balls, date balls, no bake cookies, and pies too.  She made so much that she would make up plates for people and send them off to her grandkids and kids.  She was a great cook. 

She loved the holidays.  She loved doing for other people.  That's really what she was all about.  She did all of this for her family cause she knew that we loved eating her delicious treats.  She knew that we would all enjoy what she did; cooking for her family.

I would laugh too cause she loved fudge, but she loved rice crispie treats the best; and she would make a big batch and would eat about a quarter of them right off.  And she would smile that "you caught me" smile.  God I miss that smile.  I miss seeing her at the kitchen table with her nightgown on and her leg swinging.  She always would swing her right leg when she sat there.  I miss seeing her chew her gum and playing her word circle games.  I miss her fresh smell that she had right out of the shower every night with her hair slicked back.  And the wood stove cranking.  The kitchen was so warm and toasty all the time.  I miss the simple things that are in no way simple, but comforting. 

I remember telling Mom several years ago about this radio station, 92.9, that played all Christmas songs from Thanksgiving on.  She immediately turned it there. She loved it and always had that station on for the month.  I can still see her now, how she would bop her head side to side to the music when it was on the radio.  Some of the Old Gene Audrey songs, Oh, God, how she loved them.  I miss that so much.  I can't listen to that station this year cause I just will start crying thinking about her and what we are all missing.  It is so painful when you know how important something is for someone and they aren't here to enjoy it any more.  It is painful!

It is still one day at a time.  I still think of her all the time.  All the time.  I think of what she would be doing getting ready for the holidays.  Thinking of how she would be getting everything set to send out or to bring gifts over to her family in the area.  I think of how she would exude the energy of the holidays and how it made her so happy that they were here.   I think of how she would just make people happy; feeling her energy.  I know that we would feel that energy when we were with her.  The holidays will not be the same without her; the energy will not be as strong nor the Christmas lights so bright. 

Our shining star is not atop our tree this year.