It's been a couple of weeks since I have written on my blog but not for lack of wanting to, just waiting for the right subject to consider. I have been thinking about writing about the people who have had signs from Mom, or writing about Stephen Hawkings (I don't know how to spell his name), but you know, the brilliant physicist who now believes that time travel is possible. Two very powerful topics and I can't wait to delve into them. However, those will have to wait because I think I need to write about Mom's holiday baking; a very powerful consideration in the Hurlburt household.
So the holidays are coming nearer and Mom loved the holidays. She started right before Halloween and went to after January (with all those after-holiday sales). She would start her buying for her children, their significant others, her 16 grandchildren and her 9 great grandchildren. She would begin writing her lists of what to give whom, and then she would start her list of what to make for each holiday. She began with Halloween and her popcorn balls. I decided that I would try to give making them a whirl this year in her honor and in her spirit. I just hope that they turn out HALF as good as she used to make them.
Yesterday, it was my shift with Dad. So I looked around in her kitchen for her cookbook that housed her specialty items where she kept all of her best (and I mean best) holiday treats. I found it! Her cookbook was actually a photo album which she converted years and years ago into her personal cookbook. This cookbook had handwritten recipes, cutout-of-magazine recipes, recipes that were typed up, and recipes that had pictures of some of these items. It was a happy-sad find for me.
Happy-sad is a term that my family, Russ, Patience and I, used after Patience came into our life. It is one of those moments that you try to explain to your child, in simplistic terms, why you are crying at something that is good and beautiful. It refers to things that you really can't describe as a sad event or a happy event, but an event that makes you smile with good thoughts but with tears that make you sad, and it can make you laugh through the tears. So finding Mom's special cookbook was a happy-sad moment for me.
I sat at the table and cried because I found all these great recipes for goodies that Mom would have started cooking for the holidays. I cried because I know how much I am going to miss that ritual that she had. I sat there and cried because I really miss her so badly. One of the hardest moments of looking through the cookbook was a recipe for molasses cookies, and above the typed recipe text she had hand-written, "very good", next to it (So you have to know that if Mom wrote that in there, it MUST be good). That was very sad for me. I could just picture her doing this, after making the cookies and sampling them, writing those words down. I could just picture her there. My heart broke again.
I also found some of her recipes for pickles and relishes. Again, all of these were typed, and when I say typed, I should clarify, they were typed from a typewriter, not a computer. That is how good they are, that she kept them and used them year after year.
Well, I found the popcorn ball one and it had just four ingredients. Popcorn, molasses, sugar, and "oleo". I don't know if too many people call it oleo anymore; or just margarine today, but that's how long this recipe has been there. I am going to make her popcorn balls and save some for my brother and sisters. And I hope that we get some trick-or-treaters tonight. Dad would love that. He would get such a kick out of seeing all of these little costumed-kids.
Here is another lesson that I have learned (thank you Mom, you keep teaching me and I am so appreciative). Please make sure that you think of your elderly parents and friends and keep them in your mind every day. It can be a terribly lonely existence if they are left to themselves. Take the time to visit them often and make them a part of your daily ritual; either with a call or a short visit. Doing things like this MAKE us all better people. Compassion is such an important part of life and it is one that will come back to you many times over.
Today I will go over to Mom and Dad's house and I will be proud of what I am about to undertake. I am going to give it my best shot; try to put my feet in some very big shoes. And I will wait with my Dad in hopes that little kids stop by to give him a chuckle. And to test my first shot at seeing how far the apple fell from the tree. I love you Mom! And I am so proud to say that I am your daughter. It makes me happy-sad...
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Lists
Halloween is coming. You can feel it in the air. The nights are getting chilly and the blanket of leaves on my lawn are being pulled up closer to the house, preparing for what is to come.
Mom loved autumn. She love the coolness of it. She would put up the vegetables from the garden; tomatoes, beans, Swiss chard, beets, carrots, pickles, everything; there was never any waste from her garden. I tried to keep up with it this fall but my mind was not on that. And it is so much work to can vegetables. I have done it several times and I am in total awe of how she was always able to do all that work. I now see the empty canning jars on the porch and feel sad that it is not going to be this year, or any other year for that matter.
Mom always loved Halloween too. It think that it was a reason for her to make her incredibly delicious popcorn balls. She always made so many and would end up eating alot of them. But making sure she gave some to Laura cause she loved them too. I would go over and she would have some set aside for Laura. She ALWAYS thought about her kids. She would give the trick-or-treaters a popcorn ball and a huge chocolate bars. However, since us kids have grown up, and the kids' kids are grown, there really aren't too many others that come by the house any more. But that didn't matter to Mom. She would still make as many popcorn balls and have the same number of candy bars available, cause"...you never know." She never would have wanted to disappoint a kid so she always made sure there was enough.
This is also the time of year that she would start preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She LOVED the holidays. She loved knowing that her family was going to celebrate these days together. She would make sure that she had the turkey way ahead of time. Starting buying the cranberry sauce. And start making her lists. She was a list-lady. So am I and so is her granddaughter Amanda. There is something fulfilling about being able to write things down and then crossing them off.
LISTS
I was over to Mom's and Dad's house yesterday and was going over some papers, looking for something for Dad's truck. And I found the most heartwarming thing that I didn't know that she had kept. It actually made me get butterflies in my stomach. It was a list of people that were attending Russ and my wedding, 27 years ago. She had the pages of them with the names of attendees and a check beside their name. Also in another list were the names of the guys that were in the wedding party with the measurements for their tuxes that she had kept there too. It was a really beautiful find!
My wedding was her wedding too. I had my Mom involved in every step of it. She was my own personal wedding planner. She loved to be involved too. Russ and I were living in Massachusetts but getting married here in Vermont and I couldn't always be there to do stuff so Mom did alot of it for me. She was great too. She would do all the leg work for me for things from the wedding cake that I ordered (with her guidance of course) to the tuxes. She was the depository for the RSVP cards too. She put them in order for me and would call me and tell me who had responded that day. We would talk every night about how the wedding plans were progressing and what she could do for me. It was a beautiful, fun wedding and I have such great memories of Mom on that day. And finding that list was such a wonderful find. It was like finding treasure. I was able to smile and not cry.
My lists these days are in my head mainly; making sure my father is taken care of (with my brothers and sisters), get myself stronger, take care of my family, and try to find the spirituality of life; in that order. Because at this time in my life, my Dad is a priority. He cannot take care of himself and we have to take care of him. He looks so lost sometimes and sad that it makes me cry when I leave him. Dad is of the generation that women take care of the men. I know that he misses Mom so much. We try our very best to make him comfortable and as happy as we can as his children. I will do everything in my power to make sure that he knows how much we love him and how much Mom loved him.
Finding my strength to move forward, one step at a time, is my next list item. When that happens I can take care of MY family again. They have been wonderful and patient with me. They know what I am going through and are giving me love and support to get me back. When my strength returns, I know that I will be whole again, be myself, and be who I am and get back to how I want my live to be.
My life has been interrupted; it actually has been put on pause. That is what it feels like. Not knowing how to move forward of how to move back. My humor, love of life, sense of who I am has been totally knocked out of me. I need to get that back in order to find myself again. And I do see the sparks sometimes. I do know that I am getting there. It is a process. One that I know that I have to get through in order to move forward. And to grieve properly, to get it out.
My last mental list item is finding spirituality; finding the meaning of all of this. I am not necessarily talking about religion, but maybe that is what it will be. I want to know what is out there for all of us. I am looking for the comfort that we all try to find when this happens to us. I was telling the woman that has been helping me through this journey on Friday that I am so happy that Mom has come to people all around me in their dreams but am upset that she has not come to me, no dreams of Mom. So MM asked me that if my Mom came to me, what would I want to know or ask her. The words just tumbled out of my mouth, I just want to know that she is ok, that she is happy and joyful where she it. That is all I want to know. I want to know that my Mom IS out there. I want to know that there is a place where I will someday see her again. I want to know that we will laugh again, hug again, and I can kiss her cheek again. Her beautiful, smiling, mom-cheek.
Mom loved autumn. She love the coolness of it. She would put up the vegetables from the garden; tomatoes, beans, Swiss chard, beets, carrots, pickles, everything; there was never any waste from her garden. I tried to keep up with it this fall but my mind was not on that. And it is so much work to can vegetables. I have done it several times and I am in total awe of how she was always able to do all that work. I now see the empty canning jars on the porch and feel sad that it is not going to be this year, or any other year for that matter.
Mom always loved Halloween too. It think that it was a reason for her to make her incredibly delicious popcorn balls. She always made so many and would end up eating alot of them. But making sure she gave some to Laura cause she loved them too. I would go over and she would have some set aside for Laura. She ALWAYS thought about her kids. She would give the trick-or-treaters a popcorn ball and a huge chocolate bars. However, since us kids have grown up, and the kids' kids are grown, there really aren't too many others that come by the house any more. But that didn't matter to Mom. She would still make as many popcorn balls and have the same number of candy bars available, cause"...you never know." She never would have wanted to disappoint a kid so she always made sure there was enough.
This is also the time of year that she would start preparing for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She LOVED the holidays. She loved knowing that her family was going to celebrate these days together. She would make sure that she had the turkey way ahead of time. Starting buying the cranberry sauce. And start making her lists. She was a list-lady. So am I and so is her granddaughter Amanda. There is something fulfilling about being able to write things down and then crossing them off.
LISTS
I was over to Mom's and Dad's house yesterday and was going over some papers, looking for something for Dad's truck. And I found the most heartwarming thing that I didn't know that she had kept. It actually made me get butterflies in my stomach. It was a list of people that were attending Russ and my wedding, 27 years ago. She had the pages of them with the names of attendees and a check beside their name. Also in another list were the names of the guys that were in the wedding party with the measurements for their tuxes that she had kept there too. It was a really beautiful find!
My wedding was her wedding too. I had my Mom involved in every step of it. She was my own personal wedding planner. She loved to be involved too. Russ and I were living in Massachusetts but getting married here in Vermont and I couldn't always be there to do stuff so Mom did alot of it for me. She was great too. She would do all the leg work for me for things from the wedding cake that I ordered (with her guidance of course) to the tuxes. She was the depository for the RSVP cards too. She put them in order for me and would call me and tell me who had responded that day. We would talk every night about how the wedding plans were progressing and what she could do for me. It was a beautiful, fun wedding and I have such great memories of Mom on that day. And finding that list was such a wonderful find. It was like finding treasure. I was able to smile and not cry.
My lists these days are in my head mainly; making sure my father is taken care of (with my brothers and sisters), get myself stronger, take care of my family, and try to find the spirituality of life; in that order. Because at this time in my life, my Dad is a priority. He cannot take care of himself and we have to take care of him. He looks so lost sometimes and sad that it makes me cry when I leave him. Dad is of the generation that women take care of the men. I know that he misses Mom so much. We try our very best to make him comfortable and as happy as we can as his children. I will do everything in my power to make sure that he knows how much we love him and how much Mom loved him.
Finding my strength to move forward, one step at a time, is my next list item. When that happens I can take care of MY family again. They have been wonderful and patient with me. They know what I am going through and are giving me love and support to get me back. When my strength returns, I know that I will be whole again, be myself, and be who I am and get back to how I want my live to be.
My life has been interrupted; it actually has been put on pause. That is what it feels like. Not knowing how to move forward of how to move back. My humor, love of life, sense of who I am has been totally knocked out of me. I need to get that back in order to find myself again. And I do see the sparks sometimes. I do know that I am getting there. It is a process. One that I know that I have to get through in order to move forward. And to grieve properly, to get it out.
My last mental list item is finding spirituality; finding the meaning of all of this. I am not necessarily talking about religion, but maybe that is what it will be. I want to know what is out there for all of us. I am looking for the comfort that we all try to find when this happens to us. I was telling the woman that has been helping me through this journey on Friday that I am so happy that Mom has come to people all around me in their dreams but am upset that she has not come to me, no dreams of Mom. So MM asked me that if my Mom came to me, what would I want to know or ask her. The words just tumbled out of my mouth, I just want to know that she is ok, that she is happy and joyful where she it. That is all I want to know. I want to know that my Mom IS out there. I want to know that there is a place where I will someday see her again. I want to know that we will laugh again, hug again, and I can kiss her cheek again. Her beautiful, smiling, mom-cheek.
Friday, October 8, 2010
My Birth Day
Happy Birthday.
Well today is my 52 birthday. It is my first birthday without my Mom. Another first.
Mom would always call me on my birthday and get me a card. I have kept all my cards. I just pulled out ones from the last few years. She was so sweet and thoughtful. I even found one that she gave to me that had two dogs on the front. I opened it up and it was signed "Love, Kiera and Dakota" Kiera is her German Shepard dog and Dakota is my German Shepard dog. She would do things like that. Very thoughtful. She loved animals so much and thought that they had such wonderful personalities and that they should be treated as equally as people. I do too.
I will miss getting my card from her today. My Mother loved to give, to make people smile and try to make them happy. Mom loved to make her children happy. It meant the world to her to give her children what she could. I know that it meant more to her to give me something, to give her children something, than to get anything in return. She always got such pleasure in the giving. She didn't so much like the getting, it was never about her. And that is what giving should always be about. A lesson.
I remember too, the story of my birth. Mom got a charge out of telling me about it. To me, births are really the story of mothers and their strength. I think that a birthday should be celebrated to not only honor the child but also to honor the mother. Mother's have great strength. I knew someone (a mother) that received flowers from the father at every one of their children's birthdays because he knew what a special day that is for women.
But this is my birth story and it is a pretty cool story. Mom starting by telling me that because I was her 5th child, the delivery was fast, really fast. So the story goes that Dad took her to the hospital on October 8, 1958 and left her with the nurses as was usual protocol back then. Back in the day, fathers didn't go in the delivery room to experience the whole birthing process. She said that fathers just dropped you off and either left or went to a waiting room. Dad decided to go home because he thought that it would be a while. Once Dad got home, he called the hospital to check on Mom and see how she was doing. The nurse told Dad, "Well, Mr. Hurlburt your wife gave birth ever before you had left the hospital. It took about 10 minutes." She actually gave birth to me before she reached the delivery room. Well as Mom told it, Dad was glad about that because on his way home he had a flat tire. That would have been an interesting addition to the story. But I love this story. It is a pretty exciting story to tell.
I am sitting here on my couch this morning and am considering how to spend the day. I know that I will go to the cemetery to see Mom and to talk with her a bit. To thank her for being a great Mom, and to celebrate my birth with her. I know that she will be on my mind, in most of my thoughts today. I would really love to get a sign from Mom today, that would be a the best birthday present ever.
I got several birthday cards today wishing me a happy birthday and to "stay strong" (I am trying so hard), and that "she is with you". I don't know what that means. Does that mean she is here with me spiritually or that I have much of her in me. I don't understand. How do people move forward? It is so slow and painful.
I want to celebrate my day of birth with as much happiness that I can muster. I want to think of Mom where she is now, in a place of beauty, surrounded by friends and family since passed. Laughing her infectious laugh and making people so comfortable and at ease where she is. I want to hear her laughing in my head from the joy that was her life.
My birth is not just a celebration of my life but a celebration of my Mother's strength, caring, beauty and loving self. Happy birthday to me, thank you Mom. You make me a better person for all that you were and all that you gave me. I guess that is the best birthday gift of all. I love you.
Well today is my 52 birthday. It is my first birthday without my Mom. Another first.
Mom would always call me on my birthday and get me a card. I have kept all my cards. I just pulled out ones from the last few years. She was so sweet and thoughtful. I even found one that she gave to me that had two dogs on the front. I opened it up and it was signed "Love, Kiera and Dakota" Kiera is her German Shepard dog and Dakota is my German Shepard dog. She would do things like that. Very thoughtful. She loved animals so much and thought that they had such wonderful personalities and that they should be treated as equally as people. I do too.
I will miss getting my card from her today. My Mother loved to give, to make people smile and try to make them happy. Mom loved to make her children happy. It meant the world to her to give her children what she could. I know that it meant more to her to give me something, to give her children something, than to get anything in return. She always got such pleasure in the giving. She didn't so much like the getting, it was never about her. And that is what giving should always be about. A lesson.
I remember too, the story of my birth. Mom got a charge out of telling me about it. To me, births are really the story of mothers and their strength. I think that a birthday should be celebrated to not only honor the child but also to honor the mother. Mother's have great strength. I knew someone (a mother) that received flowers from the father at every one of their children's birthdays because he knew what a special day that is for women.
But this is my birth story and it is a pretty cool story. Mom starting by telling me that because I was her 5th child, the delivery was fast, really fast. So the story goes that Dad took her to the hospital on October 8, 1958 and left her with the nurses as was usual protocol back then. Back in the day, fathers didn't go in the delivery room to experience the whole birthing process. She said that fathers just dropped you off and either left or went to a waiting room. Dad decided to go home because he thought that it would be a while. Once Dad got home, he called the hospital to check on Mom and see how she was doing. The nurse told Dad, "Well, Mr. Hurlburt your wife gave birth ever before you had left the hospital. It took about 10 minutes." She actually gave birth to me before she reached the delivery room. Well as Mom told it, Dad was glad about that because on his way home he had a flat tire. That would have been an interesting addition to the story. But I love this story. It is a pretty exciting story to tell.
I am sitting here on my couch this morning and am considering how to spend the day. I know that I will go to the cemetery to see Mom and to talk with her a bit. To thank her for being a great Mom, and to celebrate my birth with her. I know that she will be on my mind, in most of my thoughts today. I would really love to get a sign from Mom today, that would be a the best birthday present ever.
I got several birthday cards today wishing me a happy birthday and to "stay strong" (I am trying so hard), and that "she is with you". I don't know what that means. Does that mean she is here with me spiritually or that I have much of her in me. I don't understand. How do people move forward? It is so slow and painful.
I want to celebrate my day of birth with as much happiness that I can muster. I want to think of Mom where she is now, in a place of beauty, surrounded by friends and family since passed. Laughing her infectious laugh and making people so comfortable and at ease where she is. I want to hear her laughing in my head from the joy that was her life.
My birth is not just a celebration of my life but a celebration of my Mother's strength, caring, beauty and loving self. Happy birthday to me, thank you Mom. You make me a better person for all that you were and all that you gave me. I guess that is the best birthday gift of all. I love you.
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