I am not sure how to start this post but I do know that I want to write and need to write, about my mom.
It is close to Christmas; a few weeks away. THIS is my mother's favorite time of the year. She loved Christmas, lived to make the holiday a little brighter for all her family.
Mom would start her holidays with her famous baking immediately after Thanksgiving. She would make fudge, rice crispie treats, coconut balls, peanut butter balls, almond crescents, chocolate clusters, peanut brittle, sand tarts, gingerbread people, rosettes, spritzes, molasses cookies, date balls, no bake cookies, magic cookie bars and chocolate raisin clusters. She would make tins-full of these treats; the large popcorn tins she will fill with rice crispie treats (her favorite), gingerbread people (for the grandkids to decorate), molasses cookies or Joe Froggers (for Russ and Jim), coconut balls (my favorite and one of hers too) and peanut butter balls (Patience and Erin's favorites). All the rest she would fill in smaller tins but each were replenished usually more than once.
Mom would make plates of her treats and take them wherever she knew a crowd would be. She was always letting me fill up a plate to take to work. All were grateful for these delicious treats and couldn't believe what she would make. But she really loved doing this. She would send a package to each of the Hurlburt grandchildren in Michigan and to Jim and Lisa. She sent a package to Lance when he was in Afghanistan. She always wanted her grandkids to know how much they meant to her.
Last year I made some of mom's favorites and sent them to all of the family, here and away. And I am amazed at the amount of time that this takes. It really was a labor of love to her. This year Amanda, Patience and I are going to get together to make some of her batches of goodies in her honor. I hope that we can laugh much and bring all the love that she had right back to all of us.
Another thing that Mom did around Thanksgiving, maybe a little before Thanksgiving, was to put up her Christmas decorations. She loved having her lights up! She had 2 reindeer, a sleigh and a Santa Claus that lit up. She would put it on a timer so it would come on just at dusk and went out about the time that she went to bed; 10ish. She would put a string of white lights on her Ficus tree because having a Christmas tree was just too much for her to do and because most of the kids and grandkids would come over for lunch and not to open the tree, so it was easier for her. But she still put around some of her Anna-Lee dolls and always had a scented holiday candle burning on the kitchen table at night. She LOVED Christmas.
For mom, Christmas represented her family; a time when she knew that she could shower her family with gifts and treats and know that she would be seeing most of them soon. She loved having her family around. She was so much fun to have around too. Always hanging out with the family and listening to the stories that we would say. She never failed to make sure she was available for anything that the family wanted to do. She always wanted to be a part of the festivities. I miss having her at our family get-togethers.
She always had her car radio tuned to the country station EXCEPT from Thanksgiving to Christmas when she had it tuned to 92.9 which would play holiday songs. I remember telling her many years ago when I first moved up here about this station. She asked me to tune it on her radio so she could find it. She loved it. She would sing the songs and bob her head. She was so very happy this time of year. I miss seeing that happy face.
I would visit her in the days of December to see her making all kinds of packages to send out for her family. And she was always asking me what does Patience want for Christmas, what do you and Russ want for Christmas? What can I get you guys? She even would remember Dakota and Ringo for the holidays with dog and cat treats.
You see for mom, it had everything to do with the sheer joy of giving. No matter what, she made other people her priority. She wanted to make them happy. When I would ask her what I could get her for Christmas, she would always say nothing. She just wanted her family around her. She just wanted to enjoy the love that this season brought to her.
I remember as a little girl, money was extremely tight in our household; 5 children in 6 years, so you know that not only was there alot of mouths to feed but there was also the worry about making sure us kids had something for Christmas. I remember too, sometimes my parents would take out loans to make sure we had something for Christmas. My dad worked at Brown's Novelty and he always got a bonus for Christmas and was given toys from his job for us kids. I remember dad would come home with a bunch of toys and he and Mom would determine who would get what. Several years there was this crow- shooting toy that I wanted so badly and I eventually got it one of those years.
I also remember watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer every year. It was a ritual that I loved so much. Mom would make sure that we had the TV turned to that channel so we could watch it and she would make a batch of popcorn for us to sit and enjoy it while watching. It was such a wonderful time.
I remember going to Kings and Grants department stores, one was in Rutland and one was in Winooski and it reminds me now of A Christmas Story. We were just kinda let go to wander around the stores while Mom and Dad shopped. Couldn't do that today! But we had much fun.
And the nights before Christmas, us kids were so anxious to have our presents. And Mom and Dad know that too and we were allowed to open one gift the night before. That would settle us down for a bit. Then on Christmas morning, we were allowed to open our stocking but then we had to wait to finish breakfast before we could open the tree. We were so excited. There was always one person that was the passer-outer, while the others opened their gifts.
Then once us kids starting having our own babies, Mom really let loose on shopping. We would fill the house with all the kids and most of the grandkids and it was packed! The fun started the night before when Mom and whoever was around, would start a brigade from the upstairs (where the presents were kept) to all the way downstairs to the tree. The gifts would be halfway up the tree and cover half of the living room! I am NOT kidding you. Gifts were everywhere. During this time, we had to have two passer-outers. And we didn't really take care in what we did with the wrapping paper, it was usually tossed aside. By the time all was said and done, the wrapping paper covered the entire floor and you couldn't see any wood at all. Such good memories. During this time, always, Mom would generally sit and watch everyone open their gifts. She just wanted to catch the look of the kids or grandkids faces when they saw what they got. She didn't really want to open hers til everyone else had and she could see what everyone got. To her, that was what Christmas was all about. It was never about her. She did so much and made everyone feel so loved. She was Christmas, and joy and peace and happiness.
Last year, I didn't decorate, I couldn't. Patience and Russ did the work for me. This year is a little brighter and I am looking forward to putting up the tree. But I have to tell you that it is a very hard thing to do to get to this point.
I can't put the car radio on the Christmas channel yet, I smile if I hear a Christmas song then immediately feel the hurt and the loss. I want to watch all the holiday movies that I watched as a kid and then watched with Patience when she was a little girl, but it is still painful. I want to feel the joy that I did when I was a kid and up to just two years ago. I will get there, I know I will. But it is a very slow process and not at all for the faint at heart. It is very difficult to lose someone that you are so close to and who had such a profound impact on you.
I am healing, I can tell because I am able to think about putting up a tree. Last year, I never thought I would get to this point. But I do see light in all the darkness finally. I just can't express enough how tough this is and how important it is to have your family and friends around to give you the strength to get through this hurt.
My mother never leaves my mind nor does she ever leave my heart. I cry still at the drop of a hat. The pain is just below the surface still. Last week, I ran into a person that my mother used to work for and I did not recognize her. But when she told me who she was, she and I hugged and she said this is for Kathy and I completely lost it. And it has been nearly a year and a half.
Mom was such a great mother to me and I know that I would not be where I am today; strong-minded, self-sufficient, independent and confident, and a person that knows compassion. I am her and she is me. I am proud of her and I am proud of me.
I love you mom with all that am and all that I have become. Your love gives me the strength to move on.
