It is amazing to think that one year has gone by since the passing of my mother on July 27, 2011. So many raw emotions have been revealed, so much pain, such an incredible loss. There is much to say in this blog and I don't quite know where to begin or where this writing will take me but I know that wherever it does, it will be a road that I have often travelled on for this past year.
I could start by saying everything that I have wished for this past year but that would take too long so I will only put in the top few that have continually come into my head.
I wish that this had been a bad, very bad dream, a nightmare in fact. But I realize that it is not.
I wish that she would have come to me in my dreams more, I have only dreamt of her 3 times, 3 times in one year. I don't know what that is all about. I don't know if it is my brain not letting me go there to dream of her or if I just can't remember them, like I am shutting them out. I haven't dreamt much in the past year, in fact.
I wish that I didn't look at the calendar and mark everything by her passing, all dates are either before her death or after her death. I will see a date and I will say, "oh, Mom was here then" or "Mom was gone then". This for me is one of the most painful things to endure, the calendar. And as the one year mark comes closer, I just want the day to pass as quickly and painlessly as possible. Please be over quickly.
I wish that I knew what was after this life, to know where she is, if she is "out there", and if so where. Such comfort that would give me. I want to know that she is safe, happy with so many family members and friends that she loved so much, and that someday I WILL see her again. I am reading many books now on reincarnation and near-death experiences trying to find my own spirituality. Some bring me great comfort and actual "a-ha" moments that I find SO real and comforting, others not so much. I wish that I had that true belief system that some people have, like Russ's parents. What a comfort that must give to them. They are very blessed to have this.
And I wish that I could see her signature, or her clothes, or her anything and automatically smile. But I still stare sometimes at her signature that I have seen so often and wonder what she was thinking of that day and what was her day like. I still will hold some of her clothing to my nose when I go through her drawer to see if they still have "her smell". I still can't throw certain items out because she touched them. I still find it hard sometimes to see things that she touched because I cringe from the pain.
I wish so many things. But I also found out alot on this journey. A journey, that everyone must travel on at some point.
I found out that the Hurlburt family has incredible tenacity. We have incredible strength that has allowed us to power through and stand strong even at this very difficult time. We do not give up nor do we take the easy route. We have worked together to take really great care of our father, a man that is one year older now since our mom passed, 88, who then was dependent on our mother, is now dependent on his children.
I have found out that Mom had the strength of all of her children rolled up into one petite little woman. But, oh, what a powerhouse! I bow to her in total respect. She had the ability to make all of the work that she did for our dad seem run-of-the-mill. Meanwhile she worked, met with family and friends, kept her house and gardens, and organized everything to ease the lives of the people she loved and respected in her life. We now know the amount of work that she did and are in total awe of her tenacity. The tenacity that we have found in our DNA.
I found out that life is so precious and fleeting, that you cannot take one moment for granted nor let it go to waste. That it is really the little things that are the most important; the laughs, the holiday get- togethers, the meal preparations, the simple pleasure of just sitting and talking with family and friends. It is the time spent together, the giving of your time to your family when there is need. These are truly memory- building moments. And these memories are the ones that are so important to help get you through these difficult times in your life.
Our mother had the ability to love her children and grandchildren without question. No matter what issue (big or small) came up in family matters, and they always do, she continued to love her family unconditionally and without reservation. The depth of what she would do for her family was immeasurable. She gave and gave and then would give some more. Nothing was out of the question for her to give to her family. She would do everything in her power to make it happen.
I have found that the the place where I find the greatest comfort to be, believe it or not, is at my mom and dad's house. I find real peace there. I find that walking among her things calming. It is there that I feel the closest that I will ever get to her on this earth again. I find walking by all of her gardens calming and informative. I have learned some of her flower gardening tips by really observing. Planting some things here and not there, and what some flowers look good beside and how to put colors together.
She has truly taught me patience. When she passed, we were all so upset and worried about how we were going to get along without her and how we could ever manage taking care of dad. But because of this, we have learned real patience. How to take things slowly, let them play out before making a quick decision. Many times during this past year, our patience has been tested and because of slow, methodical reaction, we have been able to do the right thing.
She has taught me how to be more compassionate. I have found that in losing someone, the grief is so overwhelming and it is the people that come to your aid that helps get you through something like this. I now know how important it is to be there for someone who has lost someone. It is a shattering place to be if you have to do it alone and no one should go through this alone. Be there. Call them. Bring a meal. Give lots of hugs. That was the part that I found so helpful; the ability to have someone hold me and give me a little of their strength and help prop me back up.
She taught me that it is your family, that is the most important thing in this world. Everything else, just doesn't measure up. No piles of money, no new cars, new gadgets, new anything; means very little. Because in the end, it is your family and the memories that you make with your family and friends that is more important than all the money in the world. In the end, it is what will sustain you.
But there are two more wishes that I have; one is to be as strong a woman as my mother was. And the other is to be seen by my family as a rock with strong values, morals, tenacity and to be loved as much by my family as mom is loved by her family; then and even now. That love is very deep and very powerful. It speaks volumes.
It is this remarkable woman, that has given her family so much, and has asked for so little in return, that I strive to be like.
As I was in her vegetable garden a couple of days ago, I was thinking about how incredible it is that her family is stepping up to the plate and really taking care of our father. I hear this all the time; your family is wonderful, what you are doing for your father is so selfless. But then I thought, this really is a reflection of what our parents instilled in us as what is the right thing to do. It is because of what and how we lived, is why we do what we do. There was never any question of that. That would have made our mom prouder than she was already of her family.
It has been a year mom. I really can't believe it. I miss you more than you could ever know. And I have found people say that it will get better in time, it gets easier they say. But it doesn't really, you just learn to live with it.
And you have given me many things mom. Many great memories that are my lifeline to you. I am who I am because of you and Dad. I love you with all I am. And I will keep your love in my heart all my life. Thank you for being the best mother in this world.
And please visit me in my dreams, I would love to see that beautiful face!
