Signs & Dreams

Several posts ago, I commented that I wanted to blog about signs or dreams that I have experienced of Mom.  I wanted to do this for a couple of reasons; one was to document these incidences because it is good to just have them and to then search through and, for me, try to find the spirituality of all of this.  And another reason is to help me journey through the grief and make sure I come out the other side stronger, smarter and more appreciative of what life really means and the gifts that it gives.  In doing this documentation, I have asked family members to share their experiences too.  In them, I find much too much irony, coincidences, whatever you want to call them, but enough to sometimes make me gasp in amazement.  I will start with my signs and my one dream that I have had so far of my Mom.

Debra's Signs and Dream:

My first sign was soon after Mom had passed and I was terribly grief-stricken.  I had gone down to the cemetery to talk to her as I had been doing every day since she passed.  And I have always believed that something happens to one when they pass where they go on and experience another dimension. But I was never sure of what that was nor am I sure now what it is but something.  I had heard that there had been studies done on the passing of people and when they pass, at that exact moment, like the person weighs 6 grams less; like their soul moves on.  All of them. And this wasn't for just a handful of people, this was a study and it was of numerous people.  However, I digress.  But you get the picture.  I believe, but I want proof.  I have always been that way.  My mind can be more scientific and less spiritual than I would prefer sometimes.  And it is at these times that you prefer the spiritual.

So back to my story.  I was down to the cemetery and I was crying and talking to Mom and begging her to give me a sign. I NEEDED, a sign.  I told her that I needed to know that she could hear me and that she was OK where she was.  But I added a caveat to that, I said to her, "But it can't be just any sign, like a bird landing on the headstone (although that would have done something I must admit), it has to be big, to show me that you are OK". Not even a few minutes passed when I heard a car coming and I looked over to the road and the car that was going by was a white, 4 door, Ford Focus.  Exactly, the same car that my Mom had.  To fully grasp what this means is that you have to understand where this cemetery is, it is in a very rural town, that is out of the way.  The odds of that happening was very slim in my opinion.  I actually smiled then and said to Mom that "that was a good one Mom".  "A real good one".

The next sign that I had also occurred at the cemetery.  It was another difficult day for me and I was crying and talking to Mom.  I was saying everything that you can imagine to her.  That I missed her terribly and that I love her and that I was so lost without her.  I find that I rub the headstone alot, I think that it is a way to "touch" the person that you have lost.  It is the closest that you are going to get on this earth to that person again.  So, I was really crying hard at this point while I was rubbing her name on the headstone with my right hand and just at that moment, I had this electric kinda shock on the right side of my back.  It made me stop what I was doing and wonder what that was.  It was so strange a feeling but I believe that it is my Mom touching me.  And I still to this day get those little electric shocks in the exact same location on my back.

The last sign that I had of my Mom was about a month after she had passed and Russ and I were out on a bike ride.  We were on Swamp Road after the covered bridge in Cornwall.  That too, is a very remote location.  Russ and I were riding and we had been on this road by ourselves for over five minutes when all of a sudden, we both smelled this extremely strong smell of cigarette smoke.  There had not been any cars going by us in over five minutes and there was no wind blowing, no reason whatsoever to experience that but it was like Mom was right there smoking her cigarettes.  Russ and I were both taken aback by that.  It was another powerful sign to me and to Russ.

I have had only one dream of my Mom since she passed.  And I find that odd because my mind is constantly thinkin about her when I am not doing some type of work or reading a book or watching TV.  Probably half of my waking time is thinking of Mom.  So one would think that people would dream more of someone when they are that much on their minds.

The dream that I had of Mom was only in audio, I was not able to see her, I only heard her.  And it's funny, because when I told my therapist of my dream, she told me that it was probably sent that way because I may not have really heard the message that Mom wanted to send me if I was focused on looking at her, and that Mom wanted me to really hear what she was saying.  And that is why I didn't see her.  The dream was only a few seconds long but it was crystal clear in her words.  "There's nothing that you could have done". That was striking to me.  The day that she passed was so very difficult in so many ways. But for that to be her message to me, really blew my mind. 

Although there are always going to be skeptics to the next experience that a friend of mine had with Mom, I thought it was good to include.  She has been a very good listener to my grief and it is another area that I am seeking out; these are her words but I cut out some words of her as I did not want to put her out there without her permission.:

hey Lady. I wish I could talk to you right now. Your darling mother is with you....HOLY SHIT I am connecting to her now, I swear....as I read your blog I got chills, not to be confused with just little cold chills. When I get a "message" it's a painful to the bone aching sort of all body chill....okay okay I know your here. darn I'm calling you know.....okay your number is not in service....that I have. I'm telling you she's with you darling. Oh, I have so much to say right now....I believe that she wants you to (yup...cold chill confirmation) stop feeling so terrible..... It was her time, nothing would have changed that. She's not gone from your life....look at it from a different perspective. Soon, the smell of her perfume will fade from her shirts and she will seem so distant....but SHE"S NOT!!! These were materialistic things that you were attached to as they remind you of her. Her spirit...what made her her.....is still around. BELIEVE that she's right there w/ you, cause honey...she IS!!!  You may get whiffs of smoke....cars that look like hers, birds, number coincidences, you name it....you'll know as it's her special way of telling you. Keep being open and she will continue to let you know she's there. Also, did you notice that the first time you allowed yourself to live again....the "first" bike ride was also the "first" strong message you got from her? She (woooooohhhhh...cold chill again...she's killing me here)...she wants you to LIVE STRONG. Don't forget...talk to her...she's with you girl...I'm telling you..she's strong..whooahh! I keep getting the hunch also that she only wants you to hold the family holiday party at your house ONLY if you want to, if your not up for it don't worry about it....really. (I'm in pain). Okay love, gotta go .....she lives within you and your daughter and she's with you still.....no guilt.....she's doing great......that's the message! Hope it doesn't sound to harsh, but I felt compelled to type it all I can't help it, I'm under your mothers wrath right now!!! :) I'm so glad I could connect a bit w/her for you. you take care and LIVESTRONG.

 
I have been reading alot these days of spirituality and death and what comes next as I am searching for some answers to those questions. I have a friend who has lent me some of her books and it has been helpful.  I will continue to search though.  But I have added some of my family's dreams and signs and I will write of more signs that I get from Mom later.   These words are exactly (cut and paste, thank you) what was written.  These are their signs of Mom coming to them in their dreams:

Norma's Dream(daughter):

It was 5 days after mom’s funeral. Mom came to me while I was sleeping and stood before me. She was wearing her white cotton shirt that she liked to wear and black slacks. She was just standing looking at me. I stared back but, I did not say a word. I do not know why, I think I was in shock. I would like to see her again; I do not think I would be shocked. I would like her to talk to me, tell me anything. I would do anything to go back to that visit. I miss her.

Amanda's Dreams(granddaughter):

i have had 2.

my first one was you (Deb) and me, my mom and aunt Laura were sitting around the kitchen table, eating gram's spaghetti and sauce. I was licking the sauce off my plate saying how nobody made sauce like that, and I was trying to get every last drop. She suddenly appeared and said "you know where i keep the sauce, go in the closet and get a jar to bring home".  She said don't worry, only you can see me.  I asked her if she was OK, she said yes, asked if she was in pain , she said no, and then she told me the "oysters" in her stomach were no longer hurting her ( I assume that meant ulcers?) Then in my dream the front door swung way open and then slammed shut-I woke up to the slamming of the door.

My second dream was the most recent one. I woke up at 4 am sitting on the edge of my moms bed ( I was in mass for Xmas) I woke up b/c someone woke me up. When I woke up I could smell her perfume, and the cigarette that, in my mind, she just smoked. It took me a minute to remember what woke me up and it was Gram. She was standing in front of me-I could smell her, and could hear her voice. I reached my hand up and felt her face. I could feel each and every wrinkle-and her hair. I asked her if she was OK, and she said yes. I asked her if she hurt, and she said no. I asked her why she had to go away, and she said --That is something I can not tell you.

Both days, i felt very strange after. Cried, and felt heavy, but light--the weirdest combination of feelings.

I only hope that I (and you!!!) are lucky enough to see and talk to her again.

Erin's Experiences(granddaughter):

OK so signs from Gram.....

So the night/morning that she passed, I was sleeping in Amanda's room at her house with the door closed. It was just Lucas and I (Carlos was still in MA). We slept with the door closed because Amanda's cat Otis is such a pain in the butt and likes to sleep on your head and that is NOT OK with me....so anyway, that night/early morning he and Caesar my cat rammed their bodies into the door multiple times to open it....they had never done that before. I kept waking up and throwing them out....and they kept doing it and doing it. I have a friend who is a medium and when Gram passed I emailed her and asked her if she could give me something from her. This is what she wrote back to me:

hi Erin,
I'm in pedi right now, i just got back from vacation. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. she was a very loving person in this life as she is on the other side. Erin i don't really try to connect with people here at work but am making an exception for you love :) she says that "she loves you and that it was her time. not to worry about her she is in good hands and is very happy. she said that you need to be strong, that you are doubting your self and that you need to focus.

she will always be with you Erin. she loves you very much and says that she will always be around you. she told me to tell you to start to look for signs. birds.. i think it will have something to do with birds. Lucas might be seeing her soon( she didn't tell me that i just know that he will) you might wanna give it a few weeks and ask him.

Erin, your grandma love you and you need to let her go. she will always be with you and she will always love you and be with you. you will always be able to talk to her and she will always hear you, and listen to you. you might not feel like it because you cant see her, or because you have accepted her death. but know that she IS with you and IS with you right now. open yourself up to it and just try it. once you do you will feel her and maybe even see her.

Erin, i hope this helps you and i hope that it makes you feel better. let me know when you start to see the signs and if Lucas does see her!!

love ya

ps. she says she sat on your bed that night for awhile before she left

A few weeks later I had a dream that I was on a ledge looking down into down town Middlebury and I saw her walking down the street holding hands with two little kids. In my dream I had my cell phone and I kept trying to take pictures of her and it wouldn't work and I kept getting really upset because I knew that nobody would believe me! When I woke up...I thought that the children in my dream were Earl and I ....It's just the first though that came into my mind I guess....but then a few days later, I found out I was having Twins...and then I thought...that was her, with my Twins.
So again, I emailed my friend, and told her about my dream. This is what she wrote back to me:

AS FAR AS YOUR DREAM GOES THAT WAS YOUR GRANDMA COMING TO YOU AND THOSE WERE YOUR BABY'S YOU SAW!! ERIN DON’T BE SAD ABOUT YOUR GRAMMIE SHE IS STILL WITH YOU AND CAN STILL HEAR YOU ALL THE TIME!! ERIN DON’T THINK BECAUSE YOU CANT SEE HER SHE CAN SEE YOU CAUSE YOUR DEAD WRONG!! SHE IS WITH YOU ALL THE TIME AND WHEN THOSE BABIES COME YOU WILL SEE IT MORE AND MORE. I HAVE A FEELING THAT SHE IS TAKING CARE OF THEM ON THE OTHER SIDE AND WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM HERE ON EARTH. ERIN JUST TALK TO HER. FEEL HER AROUND YOU! SHE DIDN’T LEAVE YOU. YOU NOT BELIEVING THAT SHE IS THERE IS WHAT IS MAKING HER PULL BACK. YOU NOT ACCEPTING THAT SHE HAS PASSED AND MOVED ON TO A BETTER HAPPIER LIFE MAKES HER PRESENCE TO YOU WEAK. JUST HAVE FAITH! AND YOU WILL SEE A LOT OF GOOD THINGS COME ABOUT. NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK THOUGH SHE IS THERE AND ALWAYS WILL BE. AND WHEN IT IS YOUR TIME TO GO SHE WILL BE THE ONE COMING FOR YOU TO TAKE YOU HOME.

SHE SAYS THAT SHE IS THE BABIES SPIRIT GUIDE. AND THAT SHE IS LIKE A MOTHER TO THEM ON THE OTHER SIDE. THEY ARE ALWAYS GONNA SEE AND HEAR HER SO WHEN THEY ARE BORN, ALWAYS TALK TO THE BABIES ABOUT HER AND THEY WILL SHOW YOU THAT THEY KNOW HER TOO. JUST AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD!!

After that I didn't dream about her for a while, then a few weeks ago I had a dream that I was at her house and Grandpa was taking a nap. In my dream Carlos was going to start vacuuming, and I told him not to while Grandpa was sleeping because Grandma was going to get pissed. Then I said, where is she anyway.....and right at that moment all the family members that were on the front porch where we were parted and there she was, with her white shirt and blue slacks, just like she always was. I walked over to her and gave her a HUGE hug...I even had to bend down to hug her like I always did. I could feel her warmth and smell her and it was just as it always was. We stopped hugging and I said "Grandma, I'm having twins!" and she said " I know!" and I said "I love you and I really miss you." and she smiled and then I woke up.

It was so real....and writing this now is making me bawl my eyes out because it felt so real and I wish it would have lasted longer....or even better had been real.

So that's it so far. Hope this helps. I think about her all the time, everyday in fact and wonder, wow....I wonder if it's going to be like this the rest of my life. Missing her so badly. I cry sometimes so hard, it's like I just found out.

Lucas talks about her too....and Grandpa and when he talks about Gram he talks about Jacob too (the baby we lost last year). It makes me think that he gets some messages too. He talks about how she died but Grandpa didn't die. And that Jacob died too and that they are in Heaven.

Jennifer's & Autumn's Dreams (granddaughter and great granddaughter, respectively):

 So after we did this project (the project was that Autumn had to make a poster of the 5 most important events in her life, meeting Gram was one of them) we went to bed. I woke up this morning and was like OMG ! I had a dream about my grandma ! She told me she loved and missed each and every one of us very much and that she may be gone in person but here in spirit. She smiled and did her cute little laugh :) It was so real !!! So i took a shower and got ready then woke up Autumn to get her ready . I never told Autumn about my dream .. As she's sitting in the tub she says mom I had a dream about grandma. I was like you did ?!?! She said Yes and she said she loves and misses me ! ♥ I just thought it was so weird that we both had the same dream !!! Anyways so in my dream she said You know Amanda is right ! I didn't understand what that meant until I got on line and started looking through her Facebook . Then i went on Erin's wall she had a status that read is really trying to find the Christmas spirit..... but lost without her gram.. i posted a comment on there that said I know :( and a few other people had made a comment ..... But when i looked at Amanda's i knew right what she meant by You know Amanda is right ! Amanda had written I am the opposite. I m trying to be OVER Holiday spirited -because you know Gram would be pissed if we let it go by like any other day ! It's Amazing how real this dream was ♥

Patience's Sign(granddaughter):

        The day Gram died, the family gathered at her house in the morning. There was a monarch that stayed with us the whole time we were outside--It loved Autumn and landed on a lot of the Grandkids. I hadn't really seen many monarchs all summer. But starting that day it seemed like they followed me everywhere: in our field behind our house, waiting for me when I pulled into Gram's driveway. I went outside my house one morning and started talking to Gram. I asked her if she was going to give me a sign, something that meant she was there. I asked if it was going to be birds--an idea Erin's psychic had suggested because of her love of birds--then a butterfly literally flew in front of my face. It wasn't a monarch but it sort of screamed out to me to stop being stubborn and accept that these monarchs might mean something.

         When I went to Gram's grave in August to say goodbye before going to college, I had a really hard time. I mean, it was pretty bad. I said a lot: that I missed her, I loved her, but the lot was just silent. There was nothing around. No birds, no dog barking in the background. Everything was still. The last thing I said was "I just want to see you again someday." That was when a big shadow appeared on the ground beside me. I looked up and a massive monarch flew above my head, so close I thought it was going to get tangled in my hair. I felt a surge of energy in my stomach and chest. I denied the whole monarch thing until that moment.   

        When I went back to school I still saw them. My friends would ask me how I keep seeing those damn butterflies, I said I didn't know.

        Whether it is a sign or not, at least seeing a monarch makes me think of her every time, and that's comforting.

So, those all of the signs that I have had or that others in my family has told me about.  When more comes my way, I will add these to the collection. 

We love and miss Mom/Gram very much.  Her signs to us give us something to hold  onto and make us just a little stronger every day, just like she would have hoped for.