I have your knife. I brought it home with me. I hold it tightly in my hand when I use it. And I remember you all the time when I do. This knife reminds me of you; it has memories of you.
It is the little things.
I remember going over to your house sometimes and you would be having a snack or finishing up dinner and you would use "your knife". I remember how you held it. I remember how you would use it to spread butter on your crackers. I remember how you would scoop out your favorite peanut butter with it for your toast and then add your favorite jelly; raspberry. I remember that. I need that knife. I took it. I use it. I hold it the same way you did. I love that knife. I love the memories that it holds for me.
It is the little things.
I have a pair of your socks. I found them on your bureau. It took them with me. I wear them now on my feet hoping that they will touch the same place that your feet touched in them. I hold them very dear to me.
It is the little things.
I love to walk through your house like you did, always on a mission. Walking with a purpose of getting somewhere. The heavy thump of your footsteps (even though you were a little thing) still resonate in my head. I close my eyes sometimes, listening, trying to hit just the right section on the floor to make that hollow sound it made for you. I love hearing that sound.
It is the little things.
I love talking to Keira the way you would and knowing that she was your buddy, your dog. I love giving her a cookie when she comes in like a good dog and using my low voice, like you did when she won't come it. I love giving Keira all the love that you would as you loved your dog unconditionally. Even though we would think Keira was a pain in the ass sometimes, I know see what you saw in those big black eyes. You loved each other totally.
It is the little things.
I love remembering how devoted you were to your family, how you gave and gave and gave and never thought twice about it. How you were your happiest when you were giving something to someone. I love that you thought nothing of giving to others before you EVER thought of giving to yourself. I love telling people what a remarkable woman you are; what an inspiration you have been on your family and what a legacy you have left for us.
It is a big thing.
I remember your selflessness; your total and utter ability to completely amaze me and make me aspire to try to live my life as generous as you did. You gave to every person, animal, gathering, anything and just did it because it is the caring thing to do . I remember how you ALWAYS kept in contact with people. You were so great about that. You would write letters to your cousin or long-distance friends or family members. You knew how important it was to keep in touch with people and how to make them feel so special by you making the effort to stay in contact with them. You felt people. You have great empathy and compassion; a loving, loving woman.
It is a big thing.
You also had tremendous courage. You were/are the strongest, person that I have ever known. Honestly. You did not have the easiest of life but you made it look easy. You would never let it get you down. You always rose above and kept going. You are a fighter, a true Hurlburt. You had the guts, grit and determination to move things no matter what. You are an incredible role model and your persona lives on in each of your children. THAT Catherine, is one of the best things that you could have given to us. We love your determination, sometimes that stubborn Hurlburt-ness. We all have it, it is whether we admit it or not. But we always know that we can get to where we need to go because we have a great template to follow.
It is a big thing.
I miss our days together, going over to your house nearly every day to see what you were up to. What you were working on. I miss just sitting there and watching tv with you. Or talking about what the latest news on someone was. I miss making you laugh or seeing you smile. I miss just watching you from the corner of my eye to just look at you.
It is the little things that make big things.
I remember when I was a young girl, maybe around 10 or 11ish. I remember that I always gave you and Dad a kiss goodnight. I remember kissing you on the cheek and you would lean toward me, kinda pucker up and make the sound that people make when you call a cat. I remember that so well. But later, I remember that I was starting to feel like I was getting older and that I probably shouldn't be giving you kisses every night on your cheek. And I remember this terrible internal struggle that I was having one night on whether I should kiss you or not. I probably sat there for about a half an hour while you sat in your chair watching tv. I would look at you and I was thinking about whether I could muster up the courage to give you a kiss. I was so afraid that I was being childish. I finally got up and rushed to a side of the chair before I could change my mind and gave you a kiss on the cheek and you leaned in toward me, did your cat sound and then I rushed upstairs. I felt so relieved that I gave you that kiss. It gave me comfort that night.
It is the little things that make big things.
I wish that I could kiss that soft, pink cheek of yours again. I wouldn't hesitate like I did when I was a child. I know now how much you gave to us when we were children and I know how much you loved us then and now. Although I never doubted it, I just keep getting reminded of it. And I love you so very much. It is the little things, and the little things that make the big things. XXXX.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Birds
It's been a long time since I have posted, time has gotten away from me. But that doesn't mean that Mom has not been on my mind as much as she always has been. I have been busy getting Patience to New Zealand and Russ to tour. This winter has been a hard one, not only with Mom gone but with the harshness of the winter; so much snow. Between my house and shoveling or snowblowing Dad's house it was almost a full time job.
The days are getting longer and I am getting farther and farther away from you, Mom. The truth is the pain is always there, you just learn to live with it. There has been so many times that I have thought to pick up the phone to tell you something and realize that that is not going to happen. The other day I was walking to the mailbox and there were 12 bluebirds in my maple tree. And I froze in my tracks and immediately thought of you. You loved birds so much and taught me everything I know about them. My reaction was to call you and tell you that I had them. People have commented that it was you calling me. I know you would have said, "No!!" In an excited way. You loved bluebirds and when you would come over to take care of Dakota if I was away or if I had to work late, you would always drive down my driveway slowly to see if you could catch glimps of my birds. Your favorite bird was a Cedar Waxwing. You loved them so much. And you would get so excited when you saw them visit your flowering crabtree. We used to have great competitions about who had what bird. I remember the first time I had 10 red cardinals in my backyard and I called you to rub it in. You were always very excited for me And then when you would get the redbellied woodpecker at your feeder, you would call me up and say "guess what's at my feeder, Your redbellied woodpecker." And then we would laugh.
The birds still are coming well at your house; we keep them fed just like you would have wanted. Dad enjoys seeing them from his chair. I have spied an owl hanging out on my feeder just before the dawn. I am not sure if he is checking up on me or if he is comfortable in my woods. Tales have it that in Native American culture, the owl is the spirit world and I wondered if it was you looking out for me. I hold onto those thoughts very closely to me.
There have been sightings of you in some of our families dreams; Patience, Erin, Amanda, Jennifer. That is great that you are keeping good watch over them; we all knew you would. I have yet to dream any more of you than the one time that I heard your voice but did not see you. I would love to see you in my dreams Mom. I would love to be able to look at your face and see you smile at me again. I miss seeing that face.
Patience is in New Zealand now and I am so happy that she is able to have this opportunity. We are happiest when our children are growing well and experiencing life and having opportunities, you taught me that. You were always so proud of me. I remember you always saying to people, "oh, this is my baby", I love being your baby mom, even at my age. You always were so supportive of me. You always stuck by my side no matter what stupid thing I would have done. You taught me that family is the most important thing in life. That being responsible and respectful is very important. You taught me that being selfless, and a good neighbor, volunteer, helping out anyone that needs a helping hand, is all part of being a good person.
I miss calling you every night and hearing your voice. I miss seeing you at the kitchen table after Dad had gone to bed and you would be doing your "Find-a-Word" puzzle and chewing your bubble gum. I miss seeing you swinging your legs when you were doing that. I miss your smell that you had when you walked by right after you got out of your shower (I have your bottle of Gelee Vitabath Shower Bath). When I brought the bottle home, I had asked Russ to close his eyes and tell me what he smelled and he immediately said "your mother" cause when we would stay at your house, every night you would take your shower and walk by and that smell permeated the house. I keep that bottle close so I can smell it now and again. I also have the bottle of perfume that you used to wear Nuit de Noel. I gave Laura, Norma and Bonnie a bottle for Christmas cause we all remember that smell. Smell is the strongest scent that we have that is memory-evoking. And I know everytime I put on your perfume or just put it to my nose to smell it, they would love to have that memory too.
I also miss asking you about things, any thing. You always knew the answer to my questions or knew how I could find them out.
I also miss taking care of you, miss being there to look over something that you wanted me to look over for you. I miss bringing in the wood for you, shoveling for you, bringing in the groceries for you, buying your milk, helping you in any way that I could. I miss doing stuff for you. I miss you.
I hope that you visit me soon. I would love to hear your voice again, see your face finally. That one night that I did dream and heard your voice, the next day, I felt so light. That's the only way that I can describe it. I felt happy and light and whole again. I hope that you will come see me soon. And I am grateful that you continue to visit your grandkids, they miss you tons too Mom. I don't think that you could have ever understood the void that has been left with us in this family. You are grately missed and loved by all of us. I can only hope that I leave that much of an impression on my family as well. I love you Mom. I hope you are happy and light where you are and I hope that you continue to watch over us all and visit us often.
You are always on my mind Mom. I love you.
The days are getting longer and I am getting farther and farther away from you, Mom. The truth is the pain is always there, you just learn to live with it. There has been so many times that I have thought to pick up the phone to tell you something and realize that that is not going to happen. The other day I was walking to the mailbox and there were 12 bluebirds in my maple tree. And I froze in my tracks and immediately thought of you. You loved birds so much and taught me everything I know about them. My reaction was to call you and tell you that I had them. People have commented that it was you calling me. I know you would have said, "No!!" In an excited way. You loved bluebirds and when you would come over to take care of Dakota if I was away or if I had to work late, you would always drive down my driveway slowly to see if you could catch glimps of my birds. Your favorite bird was a Cedar Waxwing. You loved them so much. And you would get so excited when you saw them visit your flowering crabtree. We used to have great competitions about who had what bird. I remember the first time I had 10 red cardinals in my backyard and I called you to rub it in. You were always very excited for me And then when you would get the redbellied woodpecker at your feeder, you would call me up and say "guess what's at my feeder, Your redbellied woodpecker." And then we would laugh.
The birds still are coming well at your house; we keep them fed just like you would have wanted. Dad enjoys seeing them from his chair. I have spied an owl hanging out on my feeder just before the dawn. I am not sure if he is checking up on me or if he is comfortable in my woods. Tales have it that in Native American culture, the owl is the spirit world and I wondered if it was you looking out for me. I hold onto those thoughts very closely to me.
There have been sightings of you in some of our families dreams; Patience, Erin, Amanda, Jennifer. That is great that you are keeping good watch over them; we all knew you would. I have yet to dream any more of you than the one time that I heard your voice but did not see you. I would love to see you in my dreams Mom. I would love to be able to look at your face and see you smile at me again. I miss seeing that face.
Patience is in New Zealand now and I am so happy that she is able to have this opportunity. We are happiest when our children are growing well and experiencing life and having opportunities, you taught me that. You were always so proud of me. I remember you always saying to people, "oh, this is my baby", I love being your baby mom, even at my age. You always were so supportive of me. You always stuck by my side no matter what stupid thing I would have done. You taught me that family is the most important thing in life. That being responsible and respectful is very important. You taught me that being selfless, and a good neighbor, volunteer, helping out anyone that needs a helping hand, is all part of being a good person.
I miss calling you every night and hearing your voice. I miss seeing you at the kitchen table after Dad had gone to bed and you would be doing your "Find-a-Word" puzzle and chewing your bubble gum. I miss seeing you swinging your legs when you were doing that. I miss your smell that you had when you walked by right after you got out of your shower (I have your bottle of Gelee Vitabath Shower Bath). When I brought the bottle home, I had asked Russ to close his eyes and tell me what he smelled and he immediately said "your mother" cause when we would stay at your house, every night you would take your shower and walk by and that smell permeated the house. I keep that bottle close so I can smell it now and again. I also have the bottle of perfume that you used to wear Nuit de Noel. I gave Laura, Norma and Bonnie a bottle for Christmas cause we all remember that smell. Smell is the strongest scent that we have that is memory-evoking. And I know everytime I put on your perfume or just put it to my nose to smell it, they would love to have that memory too.
I also miss asking you about things, any thing. You always knew the answer to my questions or knew how I could find them out.
I also miss taking care of you, miss being there to look over something that you wanted me to look over for you. I miss bringing in the wood for you, shoveling for you, bringing in the groceries for you, buying your milk, helping you in any way that I could. I miss doing stuff for you. I miss you.
I hope that you visit me soon. I would love to hear your voice again, see your face finally. That one night that I did dream and heard your voice, the next day, I felt so light. That's the only way that I can describe it. I felt happy and light and whole again. I hope that you will come see me soon. And I am grateful that you continue to visit your grandkids, they miss you tons too Mom. I don't think that you could have ever understood the void that has been left with us in this family. You are grately missed and loved by all of us. I can only hope that I leave that much of an impression on my family as well. I love you Mom. I hope you are happy and light where you are and I hope that you continue to watch over us all and visit us often.
You are always on my mind Mom. I love you.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Signs & Dreams
Several posts ago, I commented that I wanted to blog about signs or dreams that I have experienced of Mom. I wanted to do this for a couple of reasons; one was to document these incidences because it is good to just have them and to then search through and, for me, try to find the spirituality of all of this. And another reason is to help me journey through the grief and make sure I come out the other side stronger, smarter and more appreciative of what life really means and the gifts that it gives. In doing this documentation, I have asked family members to share their experiences too. In them, I find much too much irony, coincidences, whatever you want to call them, but enough to sometimes make me gasp in amazement. I will start with my signs and my one dream that I have had so far of my Mom.
Debra's Signs and Dream:
My first sign was soon after Mom had passed and I was terribly grief-stricken. I had gone down to the cemetery to talk to her as I had been doing every day since she passed. And I have always believed that something happens to one when they pass where they go on and experience another dimension. But I was never sure of what that was nor am I sure now what it is but something. I had heard that there had been studies done on the passing of people and when they pass, at that exact moment, like the person weighs 6 grams less; like their soul moves on. All of them. And this wasn't for just a handful of people, this was a study and it was of numerous people. However, I digress. But you get the picture. I believe, but I want proof. I have always been that way. My mind can be more scientific and less spiritual than I would prefer sometimes. And it is at these times that you prefer the spiritual.
So back to my story. I was down to the cemetery and I was crying and talking to Mom and begging her to give me a sign. I NEEDED, a sign. I told her that I needed to know that she could hear me and that she was OK where she was. But I added a caveat to that, I said to her, "But it can't be just any sign, like a bird landing on the headstone (although that would have done something I must admit), it has to be big, to show me that you are OK". Not even a few minutes passed when I heard a car coming and I looked over to the road and the car that was going by was a white, 4 door, Ford Focus. Exactly, the same car that my Mom had. To fully grasp what this means is that you have to understand where this cemetery is, it is in a very rural town, that is out of the way. The odds of that happening was very slim in my opinion. I actually smiled then and said to Mom that "that was a good one Mom". "A real good one".
The next sign that I had also occurred at the cemetery. It was another difficult day for me and I was crying and talking to Mom. I was saying everything that you can imagine to her. That I missed her terribly and that I love her and that I was so lost without her. I find that I rub the headstone alot, I think that it is a way to "touch" the person that you have lost. It is the closest that you are going to get on this earth to that person again. So, I was really crying hard at this point while I was rubbing her name on the headstone with my right hand and just at that moment, I had this electric kinda shock on the right side of my back. It made me stop what I was doing and wonder what that was. It was so strange a feeling but I believe that it is my Mom touching me. And I still to this day get those little electric shocks in the exact same location on my back.
The last sign that I had of my Mom was about a month after she had passed and Russ and I were out on a bike ride. We were on Swamp Road after the covered bridge in Cornwall. That too, is a very remote location. Russ and I were riding and we had been on this road by ourselves for over five minutes when all of a sudden, we both smelled this extremely strong smell of cigarette smoke. There had not been any cars going by us in over five minutes and there was no wind blowing, no reason whatsoever to experience that but it was like Mom was right there smoking her cigarettes. Russ and I were both taken aback by that. It was another powerful sign to me and to Russ.
I have had only one dream of my Mom since she passed. And I find that odd because my mind is constantly thinkin about her when I am not doing some type of work or reading a book or watching TV. Probably half of my waking time is thinking of Mom. So one would think that people would dream more of someone when they are that much on their minds.
The dream that I had of Mom was only in audio, I was not able to see her, I only heard her. And it's funny, because when I told my therapist of my dream, she told me that it was probably sent that way because I may not have really heard the message that Mom wanted to send me if I was focused on looking at her, and that Mom wanted me to really hear what she was saying. And that is why I didn't see her. The dream was only a few seconds long but it was crystal clear in her words. "There's nothing that you could have done". That was striking to me. The day that she passed was so very difficult in so many ways. But for that to be her message to me, really blew my mind.
Although there are always going to be skeptics to the next experience that a friend of mine had with Mom, I thought it was good to include. She has been a very good listener to my grief and it is another area that I am seeking out; these are her words but I cut out some words of her as I did not want to put her out there without her permission.:
I have been reading alot these days of spirituality and death and what comes next as I am searching for some answers to those questions. I have a friend who has lent me some of her books and it has been helpful. I will continue to search though. But I have added some of my family's dreams and signs and I will write of more signs that I get from Mom later. These words are exactly (cut and paste, thank you) what was written. These are their signs of Mom coming to them in their dreams:
Norma's Dream(daughter):
So the night/morning that she passed, I was sleeping in Amanda's room at her house with the door closed. It was just Lucas and I (Carlos was still in MA). We slept with the door closed because Amanda's cat Otis is such a pain in the butt and likes to sleep on your head and that is NOT OK with me....so anyway, that night/early morning he and Caesar my cat rammed their bodies into the door multiple times to open it....they had never done that before. I kept waking up and throwing them out....and they kept doing it and doing it. I have a friend who is a medium and when Gram passed I emailed her and asked her if she could give me something from her. This is what she wrote back to me:
hi Erin,
I'm in pedi right now, i just got back from vacation. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. she was a very loving person in this life as she is on the other side. Erin i don't really try to connect with people here at work but am making an exception for you love :) she says that "she loves you and that it was her time. not to worry about her she is in good hands and is very happy. she said that you need to be strong, that you are doubting your self and that you need to focus.
she will always be with you Erin. she loves you very much and says that she will always be around you. she told me to tell you to start to look for signs. birds.. i think it will have something to do with birds. Lucas might be seeing her soon( she didn't tell me that i just know that he will) you might wanna give it a few weeks and ask him.
Erin, your grandma love you and you need to let her go. she will always be with you and she will always love you and be with you. you will always be able to talk to her and she will always hear you, and listen to you. you might not feel like it because you cant see her, or because you have accepted her death. but know that she IS with you and IS with you right now. open yourself up to it and just try it. once you do you will feel her and maybe even see her.
Erin, i hope this helps you and i hope that it makes you feel better. let me know when you start to see the signs and if Lucas does see her!!
love ya
ps. she says she sat on your bed that night for awhile before she left
A few weeks later I had a dream that I was on a ledge looking down into down town Middlebury and I saw her walking down the street holding hands with two little kids. In my dream I had my cell phone and I kept trying to take pictures of her and it wouldn't work and I kept getting really upset because I knew that nobody would believe me! When I woke up...I thought that the children in my dream were Earl and I ....It's just the first though that came into my mind I guess....but then a few days later, I found out I was having Twins...and then I thought...that was her, with my Twins.
So again, I emailed my friend, and told her about my dream. This is what she wrote back to me:
AS FAR AS YOUR DREAM GOES THAT WAS YOUR GRANDMA COMING TO YOU AND THOSE WERE YOUR BABY'S YOU SAW!! ERIN DON’T BE SAD ABOUT YOUR GRAMMIE SHE IS STILL WITH YOU AND CAN STILL HEAR YOU ALL THE TIME!! ERIN DON’T THINK BECAUSE YOU CANT SEE HER SHE CAN SEE YOU CAUSE YOUR DEAD WRONG!! SHE IS WITH YOU ALL THE TIME AND WHEN THOSE BABIES COME YOU WILL SEE IT MORE AND MORE. I HAVE A FEELING THAT SHE IS TAKING CARE OF THEM ON THE OTHER SIDE AND WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM HERE ON EARTH. ERIN JUST TALK TO HER. FEEL HER AROUND YOU! SHE DIDN’T LEAVE YOU. YOU NOT BELIEVING THAT SHE IS THERE IS WHAT IS MAKING HER PULL BACK. YOU NOT ACCEPTING THAT SHE HAS PASSED AND MOVED ON TO A BETTER HAPPIER LIFE MAKES HER PRESENCE TO YOU WEAK. JUST HAVE FAITH! AND YOU WILL SEE A LOT OF GOOD THINGS COME ABOUT. NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK THOUGH SHE IS THERE AND ALWAYS WILL BE. AND WHEN IT IS YOUR TIME TO GO SHE WILL BE THE ONE COMING FOR YOU TO TAKE YOU HOME.
SHE SAYS THAT SHE IS THE BABIES SPIRIT GUIDE. AND THAT SHE IS LIKE A MOTHER TO THEM ON THE OTHER SIDE. THEY ARE ALWAYS GONNA SEE AND HEAR HER SO WHEN THEY ARE BORN, ALWAYS TALK TO THE BABIES ABOUT HER AND THEY WILL SHOW YOU THAT THEY KNOW HER TOO. JUST AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD!!
After that I didn't dream about her for a while, then a few weeks ago I had a dream that I was at her house and Grandpa was taking a nap. In my dream Carlos was going to start vacuuming, and I told him not to while Grandpa was sleeping because Grandma was going to get pissed. Then I said, where is she anyway.....and right at that moment all the family members that were on the front porch where we were parted and there she was, with her white shirt and blue slacks, just like she always was. I walked over to her and gave her a HUGE hug...I even had to bend down to hug her like I always did. I could feel her warmth and smell her and it was just as it always was. We stopped hugging and I said "Grandma, I'm having twins!" and she said " I know!" and I said "I love you and I really miss you." and she smiled and then I woke up.
It was so real....and writing this now is making me bawl my eyes out because it felt so real and I wish it would have lasted longer....or even better had been real.
So that's it so far. Hope this helps. I think about her all the time, everyday in fact and wonder, wow....I wonder if it's going to be like this the rest of my life. Missing her so badly. I cry sometimes so hard, it's like I just found out.
Lucas talks about her too....and Grandpa and when he talks about Gram he talks about Jacob too (the baby we lost last year). It makes me think that he gets some messages too. He talks about how she died but Grandpa didn't die. And that Jacob died too and that they are in Heaven.
Jennifer's & Autumn's Dreams (granddaughter and great granddaughter, respectively):
Debra's Signs and Dream:
My first sign was soon after Mom had passed and I was terribly grief-stricken. I had gone down to the cemetery to talk to her as I had been doing every day since she passed. And I have always believed that something happens to one when they pass where they go on and experience another dimension. But I was never sure of what that was nor am I sure now what it is but something. I had heard that there had been studies done on the passing of people and when they pass, at that exact moment, like the person weighs 6 grams less; like their soul moves on. All of them. And this wasn't for just a handful of people, this was a study and it was of numerous people. However, I digress. But you get the picture. I believe, but I want proof. I have always been that way. My mind can be more scientific and less spiritual than I would prefer sometimes. And it is at these times that you prefer the spiritual.
So back to my story. I was down to the cemetery and I was crying and talking to Mom and begging her to give me a sign. I NEEDED, a sign. I told her that I needed to know that she could hear me and that she was OK where she was. But I added a caveat to that, I said to her, "But it can't be just any sign, like a bird landing on the headstone (although that would have done something I must admit), it has to be big, to show me that you are OK". Not even a few minutes passed when I heard a car coming and I looked over to the road and the car that was going by was a white, 4 door, Ford Focus. Exactly, the same car that my Mom had. To fully grasp what this means is that you have to understand where this cemetery is, it is in a very rural town, that is out of the way. The odds of that happening was very slim in my opinion. I actually smiled then and said to Mom that "that was a good one Mom". "A real good one".
The next sign that I had also occurred at the cemetery. It was another difficult day for me and I was crying and talking to Mom. I was saying everything that you can imagine to her. That I missed her terribly and that I love her and that I was so lost without her. I find that I rub the headstone alot, I think that it is a way to "touch" the person that you have lost. It is the closest that you are going to get on this earth to that person again. So, I was really crying hard at this point while I was rubbing her name on the headstone with my right hand and just at that moment, I had this electric kinda shock on the right side of my back. It made me stop what I was doing and wonder what that was. It was so strange a feeling but I believe that it is my Mom touching me. And I still to this day get those little electric shocks in the exact same location on my back.
The last sign that I had of my Mom was about a month after she had passed and Russ and I were out on a bike ride. We were on Swamp Road after the covered bridge in Cornwall. That too, is a very remote location. Russ and I were riding and we had been on this road by ourselves for over five minutes when all of a sudden, we both smelled this extremely strong smell of cigarette smoke. There had not been any cars going by us in over five minutes and there was no wind blowing, no reason whatsoever to experience that but it was like Mom was right there smoking her cigarettes. Russ and I were both taken aback by that. It was another powerful sign to me and to Russ.
I have had only one dream of my Mom since she passed. And I find that odd because my mind is constantly thinkin about her when I am not doing some type of work or reading a book or watching TV. Probably half of my waking time is thinking of Mom. So one would think that people would dream more of someone when they are that much on their minds.
The dream that I had of Mom was only in audio, I was not able to see her, I only heard her. And it's funny, because when I told my therapist of my dream, she told me that it was probably sent that way because I may not have really heard the message that Mom wanted to send me if I was focused on looking at her, and that Mom wanted me to really hear what she was saying. And that is why I didn't see her. The dream was only a few seconds long but it was crystal clear in her words. "There's nothing that you could have done". That was striking to me. The day that she passed was so very difficult in so many ways. But for that to be her message to me, really blew my mind.
Although there are always going to be skeptics to the next experience that a friend of mine had with Mom, I thought it was good to include. She has been a very good listener to my grief and it is another area that I am seeking out; these are her words but I cut out some words of her as I did not want to put her out there without her permission.:
hey Lady. I wish I could talk to you right now. Your darling mother is with you....HOLY SHIT I am connecting to her now, I swear....as I read your blog I got chills, not to be confused with just little cold chills. When I get a "message" it's a painful to the bone aching sort of all body chill....okay okay I know your here. darn I'm calling you know.....okay your number is not in service....that I have. I'm telling you she's with you darling. Oh, I have so much to say right now....I believe that she wants you to (yup...cold chill confirmation) stop feeling so terrible..... It was her time, nothing would have changed that. She's not gone from your life....look at it from a different perspective. Soon, the smell of her perfume will fade from her shirts and she will seem so distant....but SHE"S NOT!!! These were materialistic things that you were attached to as they remind you of her. Her spirit...what made her her.....is still around. BELIEVE that she's right there w/ you, cause honey...she IS!!! You may get whiffs of smoke....cars that look like hers, birds, number coincidences, you name it....you'll know as it's her special way of telling you. Keep being open and she will continue to let you know she's there. Also, did you notice that the first time you allowed yourself to live again....the "first" bike ride was also the "first" strong message you got from her? She (woooooohhhhh...cold chill again...she's killing me here)...she wants you to LIVE STRONG. Don't forget...talk to her...she's with you girl...I'm telling you..she's strong..whooahh! I keep getting the hunch also that she only wants you to hold the family holiday party at your house ONLY if you want to, if your not up for it don't worry about it....really. (I'm in pain). Okay love, gotta go .....she lives within you and your daughter and she's with you still.....no guilt.....she's doing great......that's the message! Hope it doesn't sound to harsh, but I felt compelled to type it all I can't help it, I'm under your mothers wrath right now!!! :) I'm so glad I could connect a bit w/her for you. you take care and LIVESTRONG.
I have been reading alot these days of spirituality and death and what comes next as I am searching for some answers to those questions. I have a friend who has lent me some of her books and it has been helpful. I will continue to search though. But I have added some of my family's dreams and signs and I will write of more signs that I get from Mom later. These words are exactly (cut and paste, thank you) what was written. These are their signs of Mom coming to them in their dreams:
Norma's Dream(daughter):
It was 5 days after mom’s funeral. Mom came to me while I was sleeping and stood before me. She was wearing her white cotton shirt that she liked to wear and black slacks. She was just standing looking at me. I stared back but, I did not say a word. I do not know why, I think I was in shock. I would like to see her again; I do not think I would be shocked. I would like her to talk to me, tell me anything. I would do anything to go back to that visit. I miss her.
Amanda's Dreams(granddaughter):
i have had 2.
my first one was you (Deb) and me, my mom and aunt Laura were sitting around the kitchen table, eating gram's spaghetti and sauce. I was licking the sauce off my plate saying how nobody made sauce like that, and I was trying to get every last drop. She suddenly appeared and said "you know where i keep the sauce, go in the closet and get a jar to bring home". She said don't worry, only you can see me. I asked her if she was OK, she said yes, asked if she was in pain , she said no, and then she told me the "oysters" in her stomach were no longer hurting her ( I assume that meant ulcers?) Then in my dream the front door swung way open and then slammed shut-I woke up to the slamming of the door.
My second dream was the most recent one. I woke up at 4 am sitting on the edge of my moms bed ( I was in mass for Xmas) I woke up b/c someone woke me up. When I woke up I could smell her perfume, and the cigarette that, in my mind, she just smoked. It took me a minute to remember what woke me up and it was Gram. She was standing in front of me-I could smell her, and could hear her voice. I reached my hand up and felt her face. I could feel each and every wrinkle-and her hair. I asked her if she was OK, and she said yes. I asked her if she hurt, and she said no. I asked her why she had to go away, and she said --That is something I can not tell you.
Both days, i felt very strange after. Cried, and felt heavy, but light--the weirdest combination of feelings.
I only hope that I (and you!!!) are lucky enough to see and talk to her again.
my first one was you (Deb) and me, my mom and aunt Laura were sitting around the kitchen table, eating gram's spaghetti and sauce. I was licking the sauce off my plate saying how nobody made sauce like that, and I was trying to get every last drop. She suddenly appeared and said "you know where i keep the sauce, go in the closet and get a jar to bring home". She said don't worry, only you can see me. I asked her if she was OK, she said yes, asked if she was in pain , she said no, and then she told me the "oysters" in her stomach were no longer hurting her ( I assume that meant ulcers?) Then in my dream the front door swung way open and then slammed shut-I woke up to the slamming of the door.
My second dream was the most recent one. I woke up at 4 am sitting on the edge of my moms bed ( I was in mass for Xmas) I woke up b/c someone woke me up. When I woke up I could smell her perfume, and the cigarette that, in my mind, she just smoked. It took me a minute to remember what woke me up and it was Gram. She was standing in front of me-I could smell her, and could hear her voice. I reached my hand up and felt her face. I could feel each and every wrinkle-and her hair. I asked her if she was OK, and she said yes. I asked her if she hurt, and she said no. I asked her why she had to go away, and she said --That is something I can not tell you.
Both days, i felt very strange after. Cried, and felt heavy, but light--the weirdest combination of feelings.
I only hope that I (and you!!!) are lucky enough to see and talk to her again.
Erin's Experiences(granddaughter):
OK so signs from Gram.....
So the night/morning that she passed, I was sleeping in Amanda's room at her house with the door closed. It was just Lucas and I (Carlos was still in MA). We slept with the door closed because Amanda's cat Otis is such a pain in the butt and likes to sleep on your head and that is NOT OK with me....so anyway, that night/early morning he and Caesar my cat rammed their bodies into the door multiple times to open it....they had never done that before. I kept waking up and throwing them out....and they kept doing it and doing it. I have a friend who is a medium and when Gram passed I emailed her and asked her if she could give me something from her. This is what she wrote back to me:
hi Erin,
I'm in pedi right now, i just got back from vacation. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. she was a very loving person in this life as she is on the other side. Erin i don't really try to connect with people here at work but am making an exception for you love :) she says that "she loves you and that it was her time. not to worry about her she is in good hands and is very happy. she said that you need to be strong, that you are doubting your self and that you need to focus.
she will always be with you Erin. she loves you very much and says that she will always be around you. she told me to tell you to start to look for signs. birds.. i think it will have something to do with birds. Lucas might be seeing her soon( she didn't tell me that i just know that he will) you might wanna give it a few weeks and ask him.
Erin, your grandma love you and you need to let her go. she will always be with you and she will always love you and be with you. you will always be able to talk to her and she will always hear you, and listen to you. you might not feel like it because you cant see her, or because you have accepted her death. but know that she IS with you and IS with you right now. open yourself up to it and just try it. once you do you will feel her and maybe even see her.
Erin, i hope this helps you and i hope that it makes you feel better. let me know when you start to see the signs and if Lucas does see her!!
love ya
ps. she says she sat on your bed that night for awhile before she left
A few weeks later I had a dream that I was on a ledge looking down into down town Middlebury and I saw her walking down the street holding hands with two little kids. In my dream I had my cell phone and I kept trying to take pictures of her and it wouldn't work and I kept getting really upset because I knew that nobody would believe me! When I woke up...I thought that the children in my dream were Earl and I ....It's just the first though that came into my mind I guess....but then a few days later, I found out I was having Twins...and then I thought...that was her, with my Twins.
So again, I emailed my friend, and told her about my dream. This is what she wrote back to me:
AS FAR AS YOUR DREAM GOES THAT WAS YOUR GRANDMA COMING TO YOU AND THOSE WERE YOUR BABY'S YOU SAW!! ERIN DON’T BE SAD ABOUT YOUR GRAMMIE SHE IS STILL WITH YOU AND CAN STILL HEAR YOU ALL THE TIME!! ERIN DON’T THINK BECAUSE YOU CANT SEE HER SHE CAN SEE YOU CAUSE YOUR DEAD WRONG!! SHE IS WITH YOU ALL THE TIME AND WHEN THOSE BABIES COME YOU WILL SEE IT MORE AND MORE. I HAVE A FEELING THAT SHE IS TAKING CARE OF THEM ON THE OTHER SIDE AND WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM HERE ON EARTH. ERIN JUST TALK TO HER. FEEL HER AROUND YOU! SHE DIDN’T LEAVE YOU. YOU NOT BELIEVING THAT SHE IS THERE IS WHAT IS MAKING HER PULL BACK. YOU NOT ACCEPTING THAT SHE HAS PASSED AND MOVED ON TO A BETTER HAPPIER LIFE MAKES HER PRESENCE TO YOU WEAK. JUST HAVE FAITH! AND YOU WILL SEE A LOT OF GOOD THINGS COME ABOUT. NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK THOUGH SHE IS THERE AND ALWAYS WILL BE. AND WHEN IT IS YOUR TIME TO GO SHE WILL BE THE ONE COMING FOR YOU TO TAKE YOU HOME.
SHE SAYS THAT SHE IS THE BABIES SPIRIT GUIDE. AND THAT SHE IS LIKE A MOTHER TO THEM ON THE OTHER SIDE. THEY ARE ALWAYS GONNA SEE AND HEAR HER SO WHEN THEY ARE BORN, ALWAYS TALK TO THE BABIES ABOUT HER AND THEY WILL SHOW YOU THAT THEY KNOW HER TOO. JUST AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD!!
After that I didn't dream about her for a while, then a few weeks ago I had a dream that I was at her house and Grandpa was taking a nap. In my dream Carlos was going to start vacuuming, and I told him not to while Grandpa was sleeping because Grandma was going to get pissed. Then I said, where is she anyway.....and right at that moment all the family members that were on the front porch where we were parted and there she was, with her white shirt and blue slacks, just like she always was. I walked over to her and gave her a HUGE hug...I even had to bend down to hug her like I always did. I could feel her warmth and smell her and it was just as it always was. We stopped hugging and I said "Grandma, I'm having twins!" and she said " I know!" and I said "I love you and I really miss you." and she smiled and then I woke up.
It was so real....and writing this now is making me bawl my eyes out because it felt so real and I wish it would have lasted longer....or even better had been real.
So that's it so far. Hope this helps. I think about her all the time, everyday in fact and wonder, wow....I wonder if it's going to be like this the rest of my life. Missing her so badly. I cry sometimes so hard, it's like I just found out.
Lucas talks about her too....and Grandpa and when he talks about Gram he talks about Jacob too (the baby we lost last year). It makes me think that he gets some messages too. He talks about how she died but Grandpa didn't die. And that Jacob died too and that they are in Heaven.
Jennifer's & Autumn's Dreams (granddaughter and great granddaughter, respectively):
So after we did this project (the project was that Autumn had to make a poster of the 5 most important events in her life, meeting Gram was one of them) we went to bed. I woke up this morning and was like OMG ! I had a dream about my grandma ! She told me she loved and missed each and every one of us very much and that she may be gone in person but here in spirit. She smiled and did her cute little laugh :) It was so real !!! So i took a shower and got ready then woke up Autumn to get her ready . I never told Autumn about my dream .. As she's sitting in the tub she says mom I had a dream about grandma. I was like you did ?!?! She said Yes and she said she loves and misses me ! ♥ I just thought it was so weird that we both had the same dream !!! Anyways so in my dream she said You know Amanda is right ! I didn't understand what that meant until I got on line and started looking through her Facebook . Then i went on Erin's wall she had a status that read is really trying to find the Christmas spirit..... but lost without her gram.. i posted a comment on there that said I know :( and a few other people had made a comment ..... But when i looked at Amanda's i knew right what she meant by You know Amanda is right ! Amanda had written I am the opposite. I m trying to be OVER Holiday spirited -because you know Gram would be pissed if we let it go by like any other day ! It's Amazing how real this dream was ♥
Patience's Sign(granddaughter):
The day Gram died, the family gathered at her house in the morning. There was a monarch that stayed with us the whole time we were outside--It loved Autumn and landed on a lot of the Grandkids. I hadn't really seen many monarchs all summer. But starting that day it seemed like they followed me everywhere: in our field behind our house, waiting for me when I pulled into Gram's driveway. I went outside my house one morning and started talking to Gram. I asked her if she was going to give me a sign, something that meant she was there. I asked if it was going to be birds--an idea Erin's psychic had suggested because of her love of birds--then a butterfly literally flew in front of my face. It wasn't a monarch but it sort of screamed out to me to stop being stubborn and accept that these monarchs might mean something.
When I went to Gram's grave in August to say goodbye before going to college, I had a really hard time. I mean, it was pretty bad. I said a lot: that I missed her, I loved her, but the lot was just silent. There was nothing around. No birds, no dog barking in the background. Everything was still. The last thing I said was "I just want to see you again someday." That was when a big shadow appeared on the ground beside me. I looked up and a massive monarch flew above my head, so close I thought it was going to get tangled in my hair. I felt a surge of energy in my stomach and chest. I denied the whole monarch thing until that moment.
When I went back to school I still saw them. My friends would ask me how I keep seeing those damn butterflies, I said I didn't know.
Whether it is a sign or not, at least seeing a monarch makes me think of her every time, and that's comforting.
So, those all of the signs that I have had or that others in my family has told me about. When more comes my way, I will add these to the collection.
We love and miss Mom/Gram very much. Her signs to us give us something to hold onto and make us just a little stronger every day, just like she would have hoped for.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Open Letter To My Mom on Christmas
Well, it's Christmas Mom. One of the biggest days in the Hurlburt household, and we didn't have you there. And you were greatly missed. This is one of your most favorite days in the world. A day that you always looked forward to because you were spending it with your family.
I started the day going over to your house to cook one of your turkeys that you had in the freezer. Now, as a vegetarian I have to say, that is a pretty gross job. Sticking my hand in its ass and neck to pull out the innards and all that yucky stuff...but I digress. I was over to the house about 6:45 to make sure that I got the bird in the oven in time so we could eat at 1:00.
Dad did his usual, "hello", from the bedroom when I walked in, and I had to chuckle, cause I remember when he would do that when I was visiting you sometimes and you would roll your eyes. I feed the cat cause she was yawling her head off as she always does at morning and evening feed times. And Keira was let out, but had to bite the door on her way out; like she always did with you too. And I yelled "Keira" to make her stop just like you always used to. Keira came right back after she went to the bathroom cause she knows that she gets a "cookie" for coming back without being called. She misses you Mom. I can tell. Dogs have that deep bond like humans do. I do my best to give her enough love, I believe we all do but I think it pales in what you would do for her. You were so good to her. The cat is the same pain in the ass as you well know. All she cares about is eating and sleeping in either Dad's recliner or his kitchen table chair.
But we are giving her all the spoiling just like you used to too.
Susie came over today to help out cause it was Christmas morning and us kids were with our kids or spouses for the morning. She has been God-sent Mom, she is helping so much with taking care of Dad. She makes him laugh and she feeds him well. He enjoys her company. But he misses you terribly too. He asks about you often and it is painful to watch him go through this. I think that we kids appreciate so much more than we did before what it took for you to take care of Dad with all of his health needs. I wish I had known the work that it took to take care of him because I would have tried to pick up some of the slack for you. I know that we all would have helped pick up the slack. But it wasn't in your nature to "burden" your children or anyone, for that matter, with something that you thought was your responsibility.
I left your house for a few hours and had the tree at my house but you weren't far from my thoughts all morning. I miss hearing your voice on Christmas morning; I remember when I'd call, I'd hear on the other end "Merry Christmas". So cheerful and happy cause we were all going to be getting together soon.
We went back to your house about noonish; of course I was running late as usual. And Laura , Larry and Kailey were there, and Amanda and Nick had just pulled in before me. Jr and Marlaina and the rest of their kids weren't there because they were a little sick and we didn't think that Dad should be around anyone that is sick cause it takes him so long to recover from a cold. Earl, III came next, followed by Russ, Patience and Chris. And then Norma. It was pretty funny watching Dad sit in his chair at the kitchen table and watch all the activity. He was watching Norma, Laura, Me and the others trying to get the meal to the table. It took all of us to do what you used to do pretty much by yourself. I said to Dad, "look at all the people that it takes to do the work of what Mom used to do by herself." And he just nodded. Well, we finally got everything on the table by 1:30ish.
After lunch, Dad asked about you a couple of times and when he does so, it is with sadness. It is painful to look in his eyes and see the emptiness that he feels without you. I can feel it when I look in his eyes. Sometimes when I respond, I can't look at him. It hurts too much.
We then had Dad open his presents. He is comical when he does stuff like that, you know how he does it. He makes some kind of joke about it. And he makes people laugh when he does that. I got him the game Uno. Remember when we used to play that all the time. That and Yahtzee. We had such fun playing games. I found a picture not too long ago. It is of you, Laura and me and we are playing a card game. And in it we were laughing our asses off. You could just feel the laughter in that picture. I remember it so well. I asked Dad today when we were playing Uno, if he remembered playing Kings Four Corners. He said no but I am sure you would remember it. We had fun, and in Dad's usual way, he beat us most of the time.
We missed your wonderful holiday treats that you made each year too. It is so sad to see all those empty tins where you would put those treats.
This year, I tried to give something special to all of your kids and grandkids for Christmas. Just a small piece of you for them to keep. I took your special recipe book and photocopied all of your recipes and made a booklet for them. It had 30 pages of your best recipes ever; and all of your favorite holiday treats that you used to make. I laminated them or put them in a plastic sleeve and then bound them in some twine. The cover sheet was entitled "Gram's [or Mom's] Holiday Treats (and other recipes from her coveted recipe book)." It had several pictures of you on it; All of them are of you smiling cause that is how I remember you most. There is also one that I put in that is of all of your children and grandchildren; you would remember that one, you used it one year for your Christmas card. I then made three of your favorite holiday treats; Rice Crispy Treats, Coconut balls, and Fudge WITH nuts. I typed a note to the grandkids and reminded them of how special you were (although, I did not have to remind them, they know so well) and how much you love them (again, I did not have to remind them). I boxed it all up and gave it to them. I also made one for Caleb cause I know that you loved him as your own grandchild, and I know that he loved your holiday treats too. I made 13 copies for grandkids and 6 for kids (Bonnie is included, of course).
I also gave to your daughters, a bottle of your favorite perfume that you used to wear. I had my own already that I had of yours. I remember right after you passed finding that perfume bottle. I picked it up and sprayed a little and closed my eyes. It was like you were right beside me or had just walked by. It brought you back to me for that moment; a wonderful moment.
Well after all the presents were opened and the card game was over, Dad took his nap and people left. Norma called me to say that she went down to visit you and sprayed a little of your perfume on a tiny stocking that she placed on the wreath that is on your grave. That was a beautiful gesture.
I left Dad at around 5 on Christmas night as Laura was making dinner for him. He is doing ok with all of us. I did want to tell you that I appreciate so much what you did for Dad all of these years; the good care that you took of him, and the love that you gave him. One of the Christmas gifts that I gave Dad, was a picture of you and him together in the mid-70s. You both looked great. I wanted him to have the ability to have a picture of you and him at the table so that he can look at it often and I hope that it gives him good memories of you.
These past several months have allowed me to feel closer to Dad. I am able to be one on one with him, unlike before when I used to ask you to ask Dad if he wanted to go see Uncle Bernard, or go to the dump with me, or if I could borrow his truck, or whatever it was. I would go through you to get to Dad. Or I would just say a couple of things to Dad and then talk with you. I see a side of Dad that I didn't appreciate enough before. I see him as a funny, gentle man. Sometimes very vulnerable and that makes me sad and scared. But I also see the man that was my Dad that was strong with a firm hand in his younger days, a man that could scare the shit out of me just by you saying "wait til your father comes home". I can laugh at that NOW Mom, it was not funny then!!!
It has been a tough day Mom, I won't lie. We miss you terribly. All of us do. I only hope that you can see me, us. I hope that you can see what an impact you have made in our lives, an impact you still are having on our lives. You were the thread that held us all together. We are all struggling without you; feeling the terrible loss of you from our lives. But the lessons you had given us when you were here, and with you gone, have been priceless and a blessing. You gave so much then and still are giving with you gone. That is a very special ability and says alot about who you are and your character. I love you more than you will ever know. I can only strive to live up to who you are and leave such an impact as you did.
Merry Christmas Mom. I hope that you have a peaceful day where you are and that you are enjoying seeing old friends and family.
Please visit me in my dreams...
I started the day going over to your house to cook one of your turkeys that you had in the freezer. Now, as a vegetarian I have to say, that is a pretty gross job. Sticking my hand in its ass and neck to pull out the innards and all that yucky stuff...but I digress. I was over to the house about 6:45 to make sure that I got the bird in the oven in time so we could eat at 1:00.
Dad did his usual, "hello", from the bedroom when I walked in, and I had to chuckle, cause I remember when he would do that when I was visiting you sometimes and you would roll your eyes. I feed the cat cause she was yawling her head off as she always does at morning and evening feed times. And Keira was let out, but had to bite the door on her way out; like she always did with you too. And I yelled "Keira" to make her stop just like you always used to. Keira came right back after she went to the bathroom cause she knows that she gets a "cookie" for coming back without being called. She misses you Mom. I can tell. Dogs have that deep bond like humans do. I do my best to give her enough love, I believe we all do but I think it pales in what you would do for her. You were so good to her. The cat is the same pain in the ass as you well know. All she cares about is eating and sleeping in either Dad's recliner or his kitchen table chair.
But we are giving her all the spoiling just like you used to too.
Susie came over today to help out cause it was Christmas morning and us kids were with our kids or spouses for the morning. She has been God-sent Mom, she is helping so much with taking care of Dad. She makes him laugh and she feeds him well. He enjoys her company. But he misses you terribly too. He asks about you often and it is painful to watch him go through this. I think that we kids appreciate so much more than we did before what it took for you to take care of Dad with all of his health needs. I wish I had known the work that it took to take care of him because I would have tried to pick up some of the slack for you. I know that we all would have helped pick up the slack. But it wasn't in your nature to "burden" your children or anyone, for that matter, with something that you thought was your responsibility.
I left your house for a few hours and had the tree at my house but you weren't far from my thoughts all morning. I miss hearing your voice on Christmas morning; I remember when I'd call, I'd hear on the other end "Merry Christmas". So cheerful and happy cause we were all going to be getting together soon.
We went back to your house about noonish; of course I was running late as usual. And Laura , Larry and Kailey were there, and Amanda and Nick had just pulled in before me. Jr and Marlaina and the rest of their kids weren't there because they were a little sick and we didn't think that Dad should be around anyone that is sick cause it takes him so long to recover from a cold. Earl, III came next, followed by Russ, Patience and Chris. And then Norma. It was pretty funny watching Dad sit in his chair at the kitchen table and watch all the activity. He was watching Norma, Laura, Me and the others trying to get the meal to the table. It took all of us to do what you used to do pretty much by yourself. I said to Dad, "look at all the people that it takes to do the work of what Mom used to do by herself." And he just nodded. Well, we finally got everything on the table by 1:30ish.
After lunch, Dad asked about you a couple of times and when he does so, it is with sadness. It is painful to look in his eyes and see the emptiness that he feels without you. I can feel it when I look in his eyes. Sometimes when I respond, I can't look at him. It hurts too much.
We then had Dad open his presents. He is comical when he does stuff like that, you know how he does it. He makes some kind of joke about it. And he makes people laugh when he does that. I got him the game Uno. Remember when we used to play that all the time. That and Yahtzee. We had such fun playing games. I found a picture not too long ago. It is of you, Laura and me and we are playing a card game. And in it we were laughing our asses off. You could just feel the laughter in that picture. I remember it so well. I asked Dad today when we were playing Uno, if he remembered playing Kings Four Corners. He said no but I am sure you would remember it. We had fun, and in Dad's usual way, he beat us most of the time.
We missed your wonderful holiday treats that you made each year too. It is so sad to see all those empty tins where you would put those treats.
This year, I tried to give something special to all of your kids and grandkids for Christmas. Just a small piece of you for them to keep. I took your special recipe book and photocopied all of your recipes and made a booklet for them. It had 30 pages of your best recipes ever; and all of your favorite holiday treats that you used to make. I laminated them or put them in a plastic sleeve and then bound them in some twine. The cover sheet was entitled "Gram's [or Mom's] Holiday Treats (and other recipes from her coveted recipe book)." It had several pictures of you on it; All of them are of you smiling cause that is how I remember you most. There is also one that I put in that is of all of your children and grandchildren; you would remember that one, you used it one year for your Christmas card. I then made three of your favorite holiday treats; Rice Crispy Treats, Coconut balls, and Fudge WITH nuts. I typed a note to the grandkids and reminded them of how special you were (although, I did not have to remind them, they know so well) and how much you love them (again, I did not have to remind them). I boxed it all up and gave it to them. I also made one for Caleb cause I know that you loved him as your own grandchild, and I know that he loved your holiday treats too. I made 13 copies for grandkids and 6 for kids (Bonnie is included, of course).
I also gave to your daughters, a bottle of your favorite perfume that you used to wear. I had my own already that I had of yours. I remember right after you passed finding that perfume bottle. I picked it up and sprayed a little and closed my eyes. It was like you were right beside me or had just walked by. It brought you back to me for that moment; a wonderful moment.
Well after all the presents were opened and the card game was over, Dad took his nap and people left. Norma called me to say that she went down to visit you and sprayed a little of your perfume on a tiny stocking that she placed on the wreath that is on your grave. That was a beautiful gesture.
I left Dad at around 5 on Christmas night as Laura was making dinner for him. He is doing ok with all of us. I did want to tell you that I appreciate so much what you did for Dad all of these years; the good care that you took of him, and the love that you gave him. One of the Christmas gifts that I gave Dad, was a picture of you and him together in the mid-70s. You both looked great. I wanted him to have the ability to have a picture of you and him at the table so that he can look at it often and I hope that it gives him good memories of you.
These past several months have allowed me to feel closer to Dad. I am able to be one on one with him, unlike before when I used to ask you to ask Dad if he wanted to go see Uncle Bernard, or go to the dump with me, or if I could borrow his truck, or whatever it was. I would go through you to get to Dad. Or I would just say a couple of things to Dad and then talk with you. I see a side of Dad that I didn't appreciate enough before. I see him as a funny, gentle man. Sometimes very vulnerable and that makes me sad and scared. But I also see the man that was my Dad that was strong with a firm hand in his younger days, a man that could scare the shit out of me just by you saying "wait til your father comes home". I can laugh at that NOW Mom, it was not funny then!!!
It has been a tough day Mom, I won't lie. We miss you terribly. All of us do. I only hope that you can see me, us. I hope that you can see what an impact you have made in our lives, an impact you still are having on our lives. You were the thread that held us all together. We are all struggling without you; feeling the terrible loss of you from our lives. But the lessons you had given us when you were here, and with you gone, have been priceless and a blessing. You gave so much then and still are giving with you gone. That is a very special ability and says alot about who you are and your character. I love you more than you will ever know. I can only strive to live up to who you are and leave such an impact as you did.
Merry Christmas Mom. I hope that you have a peaceful day where you are and that you are enjoying seeing old friends and family.
Please visit me in my dreams...
Monday, December 13, 2010
Happy Anniversary to you.
Well, today is Mom and Dad's 58 wedding anniversary. 58 years. I can't believe it. That is an incredibly long time to be married. I miss seeing her with Dad on their anniversary. I know Dad misses her so much just like we do. And it is so hard to see him without her. It is like he is missing a limb or something. When people say they are missing a part of themselves, it is literally true. A part of your soul is gone when your wife/husband/mother/partner dies.
I remember when Mom and Dad were approaching their 50 wedding anniversary. Mom could not wait to celebrate. She was so excited to reach that milestone. We held a really fun party for her and Dad; complete with live music and food and friends. I know that they had a great time. It was such a great day. We were so happy for them. We laughed so much.
Last time, I wrote about a letter that I had written to Mom and Dad on their anniversary over 20 years ago. I reprinted the section that I wrote to Mom on my last post. This time I am going to reprint the section that I wrote to both of them in honor of a great set of parents who gave so much to their children over all else.
Mom & Dad: What a Team! You two keep each other young and keep each other going. Your a great symbol for all of your children. We have all married wonderful people and have really good relationships. You both have done all this for us. Thanks for all you've shown us. For you two are the core of this whole big beautiful family and we love you and need you still for added guidance. Who is it that we all call for unanswered questions no matter how small the questions; you always have a good answer. What an inspirational duo! We love you always!!!
Here's to you Mom and Dad!
It is especially difficult this year because right on the heels of their anniversary is Christmas. And boy did Mom love Christmas! She would start her shopping soon after Christmas the year before. No kidding. She loved shopping for her family. She also loved putting up her outside lights of Santa and the reindeer. She would put it on a timer so she could enjoy it from dusk til she went to bed. Norma just put up the outside decorations for Dad to look at. That was really great. I don't think I could have done it. It is still difficult for me to do some of the stuff that Mom would do. It is still too close to the bone.
Mom would also start her holiday baking. She made so many good, tasty treats. Mom had such a great time making things that her kids and friends would enjoy. This year, Patience made some great Gram goodies for Thanksgiving in her memory. And she did a great job, everything tasted so good. Gram is very proud of her I'm sure.
It is hard to go to the house and go on the porch where she kept all of the goodies she made and see the empty tins where she kept her treats. The were always full of rice crispie treats, fudge, magic bars, joe froggers, crescent cookies, sand tarts, gingerbread boys and girls, peanut clusters, almond joys candies, peanut butter balls, date balls, no bake cookies, and pies too. She made so much that she would make up plates for people and send them off to her grandkids and kids. She was a great cook.
She loved the holidays. She loved doing for other people. That's really what she was all about. She did all of this for her family cause she knew that we loved eating her delicious treats. She knew that we would all enjoy what she did; cooking for her family.
I would laugh too cause she loved fudge, but she loved rice crispie treats the best; and she would make a big batch and would eat about a quarter of them right off. And she would smile that "you caught me" smile. God I miss that smile. I miss seeing her at the kitchen table with her nightgown on and her leg swinging. She always would swing her right leg when she sat there. I miss seeing her chew her gum and playing her word circle games. I miss her fresh smell that she had right out of the shower every night with her hair slicked back. And the wood stove cranking. The kitchen was so warm and toasty all the time. I miss the simple things that are in no way simple, but comforting.
I remember telling Mom several years ago about this radio station, 92.9, that played all Christmas songs from Thanksgiving on. She immediately turned it there. She loved it and always had that station on for the month. I can still see her now, how she would bop her head side to side to the music when it was on the radio. Some of the Old Gene Audrey songs, Oh, God, how she loved them. I miss that so much. I can't listen to that station this year cause I just will start crying thinking about her and what we are all missing. It is so painful when you know how important something is for someone and they aren't here to enjoy it any more. It is painful!
It is still one day at a time. I still think of her all the time. All the time. I think of what she would be doing getting ready for the holidays. Thinking of how she would be getting everything set to send out or to bring gifts over to her family in the area. I think of how she would exude the energy of the holidays and how it made her so happy that they were here. I think of how she would just make people happy; feeling her energy. I know that we would feel that energy when we were with her. The holidays will not be the same without her; the energy will not be as strong nor the Christmas lights so bright.
Our shining star is not atop our tree this year.
I remember when Mom and Dad were approaching their 50 wedding anniversary. Mom could not wait to celebrate. She was so excited to reach that milestone. We held a really fun party for her and Dad; complete with live music and food and friends. I know that they had a great time. It was such a great day. We were so happy for them. We laughed so much.
Last time, I wrote about a letter that I had written to Mom and Dad on their anniversary over 20 years ago. I reprinted the section that I wrote to Mom on my last post. This time I am going to reprint the section that I wrote to both of them in honor of a great set of parents who gave so much to their children over all else.
Mom & Dad: What a Team! You two keep each other young and keep each other going. Your a great symbol for all of your children. We have all married wonderful people and have really good relationships. You both have done all this for us. Thanks for all you've shown us. For you two are the core of this whole big beautiful family and we love you and need you still for added guidance. Who is it that we all call for unanswered questions no matter how small the questions; you always have a good answer. What an inspirational duo! We love you always!!!
Here's to you Mom and Dad!
It is especially difficult this year because right on the heels of their anniversary is Christmas. And boy did Mom love Christmas! She would start her shopping soon after Christmas the year before. No kidding. She loved shopping for her family. She also loved putting up her outside lights of Santa and the reindeer. She would put it on a timer so she could enjoy it from dusk til she went to bed. Norma just put up the outside decorations for Dad to look at. That was really great. I don't think I could have done it. It is still difficult for me to do some of the stuff that Mom would do. It is still too close to the bone.
Mom would also start her holiday baking. She made so many good, tasty treats. Mom had such a great time making things that her kids and friends would enjoy. This year, Patience made some great Gram goodies for Thanksgiving in her memory. And she did a great job, everything tasted so good. Gram is very proud of her I'm sure.
It is hard to go to the house and go on the porch where she kept all of the goodies she made and see the empty tins where she kept her treats. The were always full of rice crispie treats, fudge, magic bars, joe froggers, crescent cookies, sand tarts, gingerbread boys and girls, peanut clusters, almond joys candies, peanut butter balls, date balls, no bake cookies, and pies too. She made so much that she would make up plates for people and send them off to her grandkids and kids. She was a great cook.
She loved the holidays. She loved doing for other people. That's really what she was all about. She did all of this for her family cause she knew that we loved eating her delicious treats. She knew that we would all enjoy what she did; cooking for her family.
I would laugh too cause she loved fudge, but she loved rice crispie treats the best; and she would make a big batch and would eat about a quarter of them right off. And she would smile that "you caught me" smile. God I miss that smile. I miss seeing her at the kitchen table with her nightgown on and her leg swinging. She always would swing her right leg when she sat there. I miss seeing her chew her gum and playing her word circle games. I miss her fresh smell that she had right out of the shower every night with her hair slicked back. And the wood stove cranking. The kitchen was so warm and toasty all the time. I miss the simple things that are in no way simple, but comforting.
I remember telling Mom several years ago about this radio station, 92.9, that played all Christmas songs from Thanksgiving on. She immediately turned it there. She loved it and always had that station on for the month. I can still see her now, how she would bop her head side to side to the music when it was on the radio. Some of the Old Gene Audrey songs, Oh, God, how she loved them. I miss that so much. I can't listen to that station this year cause I just will start crying thinking about her and what we are all missing. It is so painful when you know how important something is for someone and they aren't here to enjoy it any more. It is painful!
It is still one day at a time. I still think of her all the time. All the time. I think of what she would be doing getting ready for the holidays. Thinking of how she would be getting everything set to send out or to bring gifts over to her family in the area. I think of how she would exude the energy of the holidays and how it made her so happy that they were here. I think of how she would just make people happy; feeling her energy. I know that we would feel that energy when we were with her. The holidays will not be the same without her; the energy will not be as strong nor the Christmas lights so bright.
Our shining star is not atop our tree this year.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thanksgiving and simplicity
I had my first dream of my Mother last night. It was brief, a few seconds. But the weird part is that I don't remember seeing her only hearing her voice. I woke up calm and unsure of what to think. I am still at that point.
I also went to a florist because I was looking to see what could be made up to put on Mom's grave for the winter season. Unfortunately, not much. However, I asked them if they could put together some greens with holly, and some other reds to make it seasonal. I picked it up and it is lovely. Mom would have loved it but hated that I spent money on her like that. I had it at Mom and Dad's house for Thanksgiving. It really was nice on the table.
Thanksgiving was busy for me. Which probably was a good thing. I took the morning shift with Dad and began some cooking over there. I cleaned the house and porch (where we were to have lunch) and set the table and did all kinds of stuff to keep me occupied. Marcel Paul took over Mom's role of cooking the turkey. Mom had one in her freezer and Marcel made that along with stuffing and gravy. Everyone loved it. Mom would have loved that we used her bird ..."use it up" she would say. Don't want to waste anything in the Hurlburt household. Amanda made the mashed potatoes, a casserole, and some desserts. Patience made several of Mom's special treats for everyone; peanut butter balls, rice crispy treats, and fudge (Mom loved fudge). She really took on Gram's role of making some of her incredible goodies, and that was special. And delicious too, Gram would have been proud!! Other people brought things too.
Everything went as well as could be expected, there were 18 people there which was nice. Lots of food and great to have family around. I managed to make it until all the food was on the table and as I stood in front of the stove, I just stopped working and felt overcome with sadness. It was obvious to me at that point that Mom was not there and that there is a gaping hole in the day. I was able to walk away without being seen and have a little crying moment in the bathroom. Enough to release some of the pain and go back out to the porch.
After almost everyone had left, I took the arrangement down to the cemetery to put on her grave. I stayed for about 20 minutes and really cried. The arrangement looked very nice there and I have to say that she has the loveliest grave in the cemetery. We make sure that hers is the most beautiful for a wonderful and loving Mom.
I posted the other day that I was glad that Thanksgiving was over and that was all that I could say. And it is true. And I got to thinking about what it really means to be thankful. Of course I am thankful for all I have in my life, that is a given. But I thought about what I was thankful about when I think of Mom. And this is what I came up with:
I am so thankful that I was born to Catherine Josephine Cormier Hurlburt.
I am thankful that Mom was young enough when she had me that she was able to be a very cool Mom in not only my eyes, but my friends as well.
I am thankful that she let me be me and supported everything that I chose to do.
I am thankful that she taught me how NOT to take myself too serious and to laugh at myself when appropriate.
I am thankful that she showed me what compassion is and why it is important to be a compassionate person.
I am thankful that she practiced loving her children unconditionally and without judgement because we learned by her example to love our children that way too.
I am thankful that she did the same with her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
I am thankful that she showed me why it is important to be a giving person with your time, money, and energy.
I am thankful that she taught her children what family is about and why it is important to keep the ties strong; we are able to put that lesson to use now.
I am thankful that she was with us for nearly 76 years of life.
I am thankful that I moved here nearly 7 years ago and was either able to spend every day visiting her or talking with her on the phone.
I am thankful that she showed us what strength is...because we all need to call upon that one often now.
I am thankful that she taught me that the simple things in life are often the most precious.
I am thankful and proud that she is my mother and I love her.
I recently remembered something that I had given to my Mom and Dad about 23-24 years ago when Russ and I were just married only a couple of years. We were broke as a young couple and Mom and Dad's anniversary was coming up. I was not sure what I could get them that was special AND what I could afford. So I did the best thing that I could and I wrote something to them. And here is an excerpt of it:
Happy Anniversary
Mom: What energy you have. Sometimes I get so tired just looking at you, never mind trying to keep up with you. And you're such a fun person to be around, always so excited about new things, different holidays, and especially how very proud of your children you are, who in return I can say "WE" are so proud of you for being our mother, putting up with everything that kids do when they're growing up-but always standing by us throughout everything. Keeping us on the straight and narrow. You're such a beautiful lady too! Those sparkling eyes (that I can say thank you for I have the same eyes), wonderful smile that could warm the heart of anyone, but most important, warms the heart of your children and your husband as well. I love you for everything you've done for us and I'm sure everything you keep right on doing.
I found this letter that I had written to them in her box where all of her important papers are located; birth certificates, baptisms and wedding certificates. I found a photocopy of it too. That photocopy means to me that that simple act of writing these feelings down to her meant the world to her. That it meant so much in fact that she wanted to have copies of it around. And it gives me comfort to know that it meant that much to her.
It's the simple things Debra, that's what I now say and practice. It is time with family. The love we all feel for each other and our family. And it is the ability to continue to enjoy being with each other. These are the key elements.
Now isn't that simple! Thanks Mom for continuing to teach me. You are the best!!
I also went to a florist because I was looking to see what could be made up to put on Mom's grave for the winter season. Unfortunately, not much. However, I asked them if they could put together some greens with holly, and some other reds to make it seasonal. I picked it up and it is lovely. Mom would have loved it but hated that I spent money on her like that. I had it at Mom and Dad's house for Thanksgiving. It really was nice on the table.
Thanksgiving was busy for me. Which probably was a good thing. I took the morning shift with Dad and began some cooking over there. I cleaned the house and porch (where we were to have lunch) and set the table and did all kinds of stuff to keep me occupied. Marcel Paul took over Mom's role of cooking the turkey. Mom had one in her freezer and Marcel made that along with stuffing and gravy. Everyone loved it. Mom would have loved that we used her bird ..."use it up" she would say. Don't want to waste anything in the Hurlburt household. Amanda made the mashed potatoes, a casserole, and some desserts. Patience made several of Mom's special treats for everyone; peanut butter balls, rice crispy treats, and fudge (Mom loved fudge). She really took on Gram's role of making some of her incredible goodies, and that was special. And delicious too, Gram would have been proud!! Other people brought things too.
Everything went as well as could be expected, there were 18 people there which was nice. Lots of food and great to have family around. I managed to make it until all the food was on the table and as I stood in front of the stove, I just stopped working and felt overcome with sadness. It was obvious to me at that point that Mom was not there and that there is a gaping hole in the day. I was able to walk away without being seen and have a little crying moment in the bathroom. Enough to release some of the pain and go back out to the porch.
After almost everyone had left, I took the arrangement down to the cemetery to put on her grave. I stayed for about 20 minutes and really cried. The arrangement looked very nice there and I have to say that she has the loveliest grave in the cemetery. We make sure that hers is the most beautiful for a wonderful and loving Mom.
I posted the other day that I was glad that Thanksgiving was over and that was all that I could say. And it is true. And I got to thinking about what it really means to be thankful. Of course I am thankful for all I have in my life, that is a given. But I thought about what I was thankful about when I think of Mom. And this is what I came up with:
I am so thankful that I was born to Catherine Josephine Cormier Hurlburt.
I am thankful that Mom was young enough when she had me that she was able to be a very cool Mom in not only my eyes, but my friends as well.
I am thankful that she let me be me and supported everything that I chose to do.
I am thankful that she taught me how NOT to take myself too serious and to laugh at myself when appropriate.
I am thankful that she showed me what compassion is and why it is important to be a compassionate person.
I am thankful that she practiced loving her children unconditionally and without judgement because we learned by her example to love our children that way too.
I am thankful that she did the same with her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
I am thankful that she showed me why it is important to be a giving person with your time, money, and energy.
I am thankful that she taught her children what family is about and why it is important to keep the ties strong; we are able to put that lesson to use now.
I am thankful that she was with us for nearly 76 years of life.
I am thankful that I moved here nearly 7 years ago and was either able to spend every day visiting her or talking with her on the phone.
I am thankful that she showed us what strength is...because we all need to call upon that one often now.
I am thankful that she taught me that the simple things in life are often the most precious.
I am thankful and proud that she is my mother and I love her.
I recently remembered something that I had given to my Mom and Dad about 23-24 years ago when Russ and I were just married only a couple of years. We were broke as a young couple and Mom and Dad's anniversary was coming up. I was not sure what I could get them that was special AND what I could afford. So I did the best thing that I could and I wrote something to them. And here is an excerpt of it:
Happy Anniversary
Mom: What energy you have. Sometimes I get so tired just looking at you, never mind trying to keep up with you. And you're such a fun person to be around, always so excited about new things, different holidays, and especially how very proud of your children you are, who in return I can say "WE" are so proud of you for being our mother, putting up with everything that kids do when they're growing up-but always standing by us throughout everything. Keeping us on the straight and narrow. You're such a beautiful lady too! Those sparkling eyes (that I can say thank you for I have the same eyes), wonderful smile that could warm the heart of anyone, but most important, warms the heart of your children and your husband as well. I love you for everything you've done for us and I'm sure everything you keep right on doing.
I found this letter that I had written to them in her box where all of her important papers are located; birth certificates, baptisms and wedding certificates. I found a photocopy of it too. That photocopy means to me that that simple act of writing these feelings down to her meant the world to her. That it meant so much in fact that she wanted to have copies of it around. And it gives me comfort to know that it meant that much to her.
It's the simple things Debra, that's what I now say and practice. It is time with family. The love we all feel for each other and our family. And it is the ability to continue to enjoy being with each other. These are the key elements.
Now isn't that simple! Thanks Mom for continuing to teach me. You are the best!!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
For the Love of Family
Yesterday, November 13th was a beautiful Fall day. I was able to go outside and do some yard work. I have not been up to doing that in a long time, and my gardens sure looked like they had been neglected. And I thought of Mom most of the time. And I think back to when my Mom lost her Mom, my Grandmother. She was about my age now. She was so strong during that time. She seemed to pick herself right back up, never skip a beat. I am not sure how she did it, I think that part of it was that she was from an era that you just kept going. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I cannot do that. I am not strong like her.
I am still so crushed by this loss. What is wrong with me? I thought I was so strong and independent; thought I was just like her. But come to find out her strength surpassed me. She is such a force.
I remember my Grandmother's funeral. I remember my Mother before and after Grandma's death; my mother kept it together. She helped her sister, my Aunt Irene, with the funeral preparations; she helped take care of her father, Shirl Ovitt, when he was left alone after Gram died. I remember coming to Vermont to visit my family and my mother would go get my Grandfather at his house in East Middlebury to bring him over to have dinner with her. Then she would take him home. I remember saying to her how do you do this and work and sleep and keep your house and, and, and... And she responded that this is her father and she loved him and it is what she wanted to do and what was right. She helped take good care of him after my Grandmother passed. I appreciated that then, and I appreciate AND understand it now.
We have a great video somewhere here of my Grandfather Shirl spending Christmas at our house after Gram died. He was a such a funny guy. I can see why Mom wanted him around so much. I get what my mother did and I respect her so much for what she did.
But the strength that she had, just blows me away. I think back and just am humbled:
She had 5 children in six years. She worked to the day for each of them. She was working at the old Topp's Restaurant in Middlebury (now where Breadloaf Construction is located) when she had my oldest brother, Earl. She told me that she was cleaning up while in labor with him. She went to the hospital AFTER she was done with her work. She came home after each child was born and went pretty much right back to work. No questions, no discussion, that just what you did. She raised her family well and that is why her children have such a work ethic because of her and my Dad. Nothing is for free and if you want something you gotta work for it she would say.
She also worked very hard in her and Dad's vegetable garden. It was the most incredible garden. At the time, we didn't think it was the most incredible garden; trust me, we hated it. That was because we HAD to do chores. We had to help with all the work of planting a garden; from laying down fertilizer, to tilling, to planting, to watering, to weeding, to picking, to help canning, to putting it to bed in the Fall. And the garden was huge. The garden took up most of what is their backyard right now. The food that was produced was what we ate for the winter. So we had to have a good garden. There is this picture of us standing in front of the garden; what a riot, we all look like some rag-a-muffin kids. We all laugh so much when we see that picture. Mom did too. She knew what we went through in our younger years. But that's just the way it was.
As I was the youngest, and when all the other kids were in school, I was able to go with my mother to where she worked. I was very lucky, I was able to see what she did everyday. I was able to be with her everyday before I was in school. That was a very precious time for me. She would take me and I would help her with her work. Then she would let me watch a little TV and get me some kinda treat. When I was older and in high school, I was able to ride to high school and back with Mom after she got out of work. I would go shopping with her everyday after work at Greg's, actually it was Stan's Market then; Stan Stefanski.
When I graduated from High School, I was engaged (too young stupid girl) and my mother, although never said don't do it said instead, "...you know, you really should live with someone before you marry them, you never really know someone til you live with them." Well I did then live with him and soon after moved out. She was so right. I then moved to Rochester, NY, because of someone special in my life. She too never said anything negative but always supported my decisions. I was very young now that I look back at that time. I had nothing then, no money, no car. I walked everywhere and live with the most minimal of things. I called one day and said that I wanted to move back home. So the very next day she drove 7 hours to pick me up with my Dad, then we turned around and drove 7 hours back. I will never forget what she had done for me then. And I will never forget what she has done for me in my life.
I guess that is why I am so crushed by the loss of her. I can never give back everything that I believe I owe her. Even though I know exactly what she would say..."you kids have given me so much and that I am so blessed with you."
So history repeats itself. I will help take care of my father with my family and make sure that he is taken care of because this is my father and that I love him and it is what I want to do and what is right.
I get it Mom, you were right. Thank you again, and again, and again...
I am still so crushed by this loss. What is wrong with me? I thought I was so strong and independent; thought I was just like her. But come to find out her strength surpassed me. She is such a force.
I remember my Grandmother's funeral. I remember my Mother before and after Grandma's death; my mother kept it together. She helped her sister, my Aunt Irene, with the funeral preparations; she helped take care of her father, Shirl Ovitt, when he was left alone after Gram died. I remember coming to Vermont to visit my family and my mother would go get my Grandfather at his house in East Middlebury to bring him over to have dinner with her. Then she would take him home. I remember saying to her how do you do this and work and sleep and keep your house and, and, and... And she responded that this is her father and she loved him and it is what she wanted to do and what was right. She helped take good care of him after my Grandmother passed. I appreciated that then, and I appreciate AND understand it now.
We have a great video somewhere here of my Grandfather Shirl spending Christmas at our house after Gram died. He was a such a funny guy. I can see why Mom wanted him around so much. I get what my mother did and I respect her so much for what she did.
But the strength that she had, just blows me away. I think back and just am humbled:
She had 5 children in six years. She worked to the day for each of them. She was working at the old Topp's Restaurant in Middlebury (now where Breadloaf Construction is located) when she had my oldest brother, Earl. She told me that she was cleaning up while in labor with him. She went to the hospital AFTER she was done with her work. She came home after each child was born and went pretty much right back to work. No questions, no discussion, that just what you did. She raised her family well and that is why her children have such a work ethic because of her and my Dad. Nothing is for free and if you want something you gotta work for it she would say.
She also worked very hard in her and Dad's vegetable garden. It was the most incredible garden. At the time, we didn't think it was the most incredible garden; trust me, we hated it. That was because we HAD to do chores. We had to help with all the work of planting a garden; from laying down fertilizer, to tilling, to planting, to watering, to weeding, to picking, to help canning, to putting it to bed in the Fall. And the garden was huge. The garden took up most of what is their backyard right now. The food that was produced was what we ate for the winter. So we had to have a good garden. There is this picture of us standing in front of the garden; what a riot, we all look like some rag-a-muffin kids. We all laugh so much when we see that picture. Mom did too. She knew what we went through in our younger years. But that's just the way it was.
As I was the youngest, and when all the other kids were in school, I was able to go with my mother to where she worked. I was very lucky, I was able to see what she did everyday. I was able to be with her everyday before I was in school. That was a very precious time for me. She would take me and I would help her with her work. Then she would let me watch a little TV and get me some kinda treat. When I was older and in high school, I was able to ride to high school and back with Mom after she got out of work. I would go shopping with her everyday after work at Greg's, actually it was Stan's Market then; Stan Stefanski.
When I graduated from High School, I was engaged (too young stupid girl) and my mother, although never said don't do it said instead, "...you know, you really should live with someone before you marry them, you never really know someone til you live with them." Well I did then live with him and soon after moved out. She was so right. I then moved to Rochester, NY, because of someone special in my life. She too never said anything negative but always supported my decisions. I was very young now that I look back at that time. I had nothing then, no money, no car. I walked everywhere and live with the most minimal of things. I called one day and said that I wanted to move back home. So the very next day she drove 7 hours to pick me up with my Dad, then we turned around and drove 7 hours back. I will never forget what she had done for me then. And I will never forget what she has done for me in my life.
I guess that is why I am so crushed by the loss of her. I can never give back everything that I believe I owe her. Even though I know exactly what she would say..."you kids have given me so much and that I am so blessed with you."
So history repeats itself. I will help take care of my father with my family and make sure that he is taken care of because this is my father and that I love him and it is what I want to do and what is right.
I get it Mom, you were right. Thank you again, and again, and again...
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